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Rive.
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Default Nov 23, 2021 at 03:57 AM
  #1
If your therapist let you down, did or said something that hurt you or make you angry etc. would you bring it up and tell them? Or do you keep it in (and maybe it might erupt at a later time over a trivial 'incident')?

If you told them, were you met with positive responses or defensiveness? Do you regret telling them?

Interested in your experiences.
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Default Nov 23, 2021 at 06:27 AM
  #2
In theory you should talk to them.

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Default Nov 23, 2021 at 06:37 AM
  #3
I've learned to tell L everything including when I feel hurt, upset, or anger with her. She's always been good about me expressing myself. She says it helps her tune into me, and allows her to understand and empathize. She's told me she's proud of me when I express such emotions. We have a few saying: "Talk it out instead of act it out" and "more to know, more to love". She says all feelings shouldn't be met with criticism or punishment, but kindness and compassion.

Rive, you doing okay? What's been your experience?

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Default Nov 23, 2021 at 06:48 AM
  #4
I tell her and we talk about it. Nearly always it has a positive outcome. Sometimes I haven't quite got what I needed from telling her or her response was off, but I've followed it up at a later date. I've never felt unable to tell her or that she wouldn't want to hear. She openly encourages me to tell her how I feel.
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Default Nov 23, 2021 at 07:01 AM
  #5
I tell her and it's almost always productive. Usually first she gives me a lot of time and space to tell her exactly how I feel and how I interpreted the thing that happened, and then sometimes she will apologize (if she messed something up) and usually we talk about why I might be reacting that way and what it means (especially if, say, she did something that triggered a trauma thing). I've been really upset over very small things and things that aren't even her fault, and she doesn't get defensive. I try to express my anger in a constructive way (no yelling, etc), and it's always been well-received. I think it's her way of modeling that all feelings are okay and we can make sense of them together.
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Default Nov 23, 2021 at 08:08 AM
  #6
Quote:
Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel View Post
Rive, you doing okay? What's been your experience?
Not too great at the moment... thank you for asking, Scarlet.

It has not gone particularly well before. It does not help that my default is that whatever I feel is *my* problem, it is a small insignificant thing & that I should just 'get over it'.

It truly helps to read your various experiences - whether it goes well (and how your T responds accordingly) or not so well, with possibility to bring it up at a later time... even for 'small' things. It is encouraging.
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Default Nov 23, 2021 at 09:17 AM
  #7
I generally tell them. I've been met with a range of responses. Lately (like the past year or two), my T has been very good about listening and doing his best to understand and explain (and apologize in some cases) without being defensive.

In the first couple years I saw him, he did tend to get defensive if I told him that something hurt me (and sometimes would say things that hurt me more), and it tended to lead to a rupture--in one case, causing me to terminate, though I ended up going back a couple weeks later. I feel like the pandemic has made him more empathetic and humble (or maybe my terminating? as he seemed to shift after that, which happened about 6 months before the pandemic).

Ex-MC and ex-T both tended to get quite defensive. It was weird with ex-MC, because he was someone who would tend to be self-deprecating in general, but then if I was actually critical or mentioned that I was hurt, he would refuse to take responsibility at all. The final time, he was also gaslighting me, which ultimately led to us terminating (though I tried to repair it for a couple months).

I do feel like it's important to bring things up more quickly rather than letting them fester (or avoiding them altogether). I do think some of the ruptures with my T were in part *because* I held smaller hurts in, so really erupted when something became the last straw, so to speak (though I'm not discounting his role in them). Now I bring stuff up quickly (as does he), and it tends to get resolved quickly, instead of turning into a big thing.

I think another way that it's improved is before I would maybe send some long email saying how I'm upset, he might also respond in a long email, and tone tends to seem harsher in email. Now, I *might* send a brief email saying that something bothered me, but that I want to just discuss it in session. Sometimes he'll reply briefly clarifying his meaning and/or apologizing, other times, he'll just say we'll talk in session. It tends to go much better when we actually talk about it.
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Default Nov 23, 2021 at 09:17 AM
  #8
I usually struggle with saying something right in the moment, unless it makes me really mad. But if it's something that still bothers me a few days later, I always bring it up. So far, it has never went badly. We talk it through, T apologizes for missteps and explains what was going on, what he meant, whatever is needed. I think if I'd not tell him, it would erupt at some point and I'd rather resolve it when it's fresh.
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Default Nov 23, 2021 at 09:34 AM
  #9
Wow LT. Your ex-MC seems an odd fish (self-deprecating but unable to take constructive criticism when it comes from a client?! What the heck?). I will skip the gaslighting etc. as that shows his true colours. I am sorry you were hurt by T when he used to get defensive pre-pandemic & by ex-T and ex-MC who got defensive. That sucks..

CNS - Yep, I relate to speaking on the spot. And as you both rightly point out, it is 'festering' - which inevitably impacts on the 'relationship'. Well, at least on my side.
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Default Nov 23, 2021 at 09:51 AM
  #10
I just tell them. Once my T did something awful at the start of a session, I was so shocked I didn't say anything about it in session. When I got home completely lost my ****, lots of emails and screaming phonecalls happened. I still see him years later.

I don't regret telling him, there was some defensiveness, but he was me just like 'I'm human I make mistakes'.
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Default Nov 23, 2021 at 02:00 PM
  #11
I’ve really only ever been disappointed or let down when my T has had to cancel last minute. I’ve never told her that, though. My art T said she would LOVE it if i ever showed anger at her, but i hate it, so i doubt that would ever happen.
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Default Nov 23, 2021 at 03:01 PM
  #12
Sorry to hear you’re not doing too good right now, Rive. I hope things improve for you, soon.
My T actually hasn’t said or done anything that has truly upset me, by some miracle, but she did say last week that she hoped she hadn’t said anything that offended me (in general over the time we’ve worked together). So while I’m bad at bringing up when I’m upset with anyone, I have more confidence I could do so with her.
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Default Nov 23, 2021 at 04:05 PM
  #13
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rive. View Post
Wow LT. Your ex-MC seems an odd fish (self-deprecating but unable to take constructive criticism when it comes from a client?! What the heck?). I will skip the gaslighting etc. as that shows his true colours. I am sorry you were hurt by T when he used to get defensive pre-pandemic & by ex-T and ex-MC who got defensive. That sucks..

CNS - Yep, I relate to speaking on the spot. And as you both rightly point out, it is 'festering' - which inevitably impacts on the 'relationship'. Well, at least on my side.

Thanks, Rive. I do think that's part of what was so difficult with ex-MC--it was like I saw behind the curtain. It makes me wonder now if he was just sort of fake in his persona as a therapist, this super-caring, accepting, warm, fuzzy guy.


It is one thing I particularly appreciate about my T--even though he's been hurt me at times, he's been pretty up front about who he is as a therapist (and, from what he's said, it's pretty consistent with how he is in his outside life as well). He's actually said, "I'm caring, but I'm not warm and fuzzy" (words we've both used to describe ex-MC, with whom he worked at one point).
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Default Nov 24, 2021 at 04:28 PM
  #14
I don’t suffer nonsense. If my Ts have done something to upset me, I will talk about it very soon after it happens. Most of the time I’ll do it in the same session, though there have been instances of me sending an email with my complaints and we’ll discuss it next session.

I’ve had varying responses; it really depends on the situation. I’ve had therapists actively try to repair, even when I wasn’t initially willing, and therapists who would almost actively instigate. I know that I’m not always in the right in all situations, but I have never regretted sharing my experience.

I had a therapist tell me one that I was essentially their boss. Though they’re autonomous people and will act in any way they choose, it is up to me at the end of the day whether or not I continue to work with them.
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Default Nov 24, 2021 at 06:06 PM
  #15
Yes, absolutely. When I'm holding something back it's hard for me to talk about other things. My T has always taken it well and it's generally a productive conversation.
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Default Nov 24, 2021 at 08:36 PM
  #16
Tell them. With my current therapist we had a couple of appointments where she said something that bothered me. The first time I wrote a letter to her and she read it in our appointment. She handled it amazingly. She apologized for what she said, explained what she intended to day and asked how she could do better in the future. She was not upset liek I feared she would be. Since then if something hurts me I tell her and we always handle it the same way. It strengthened our relationship and my trust.

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Default Nov 25, 2021 at 03:10 PM
  #17
You guys seem to have pretty good Ts..

I like what you said daisydid i.e. we are their boss and we decide whether to continue with them or not.

And, nottrustin, I hear you re telling T... a part of me *really* wants to.

I have to admit there is an underlying fear(?) that if I were to speak, T would get defensive or angry etc. and T would be the one to dump me...!
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Default Nov 29, 2021 at 08:23 PM
  #18
If you have a therapist dump you, is that someone you really want to work with? Do you want someone to quit when things get a little tough? I had a therapist dump me once, and I was hurt in the moment, but that led me to a series of amazing therapists to follow so it worked out in the end.
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Book Nov 30, 2021 at 01:05 AM
  #19
I usually say something. Sometimes she's receptive and sometimes she's a bit defensive. I don't regret it either way. But I think it depends on your personality and if you see the therapist as an infallible authority or a flawed human. The former doesn't leave room for an imperfect response.

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Default Nov 30, 2021 at 09:55 AM
  #20
Thank you daisydid, words I needed to hear. You are very right. Why stay in a relationship where I have to edit my truth..

Good point susannahsays. I guess I do recognise T as flawed, without a doubt! It is more about.. making room for myself(?) rather than dismissing myself. If that makes any sense.
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