Are ruptures normal?

It feels like I keep having ruptures or misunderstandings with L. I'm wondering if it's normal. She says they are "very common in therapy when there is a history of abandonment and interpersonal pain and trauma". She says that's where a lot of the healing takes place. It's just exhausting for me to keep going through it. However, we do always work things out in the end, and we are getting through them better and better each time. She usually isn't defense, just supportive, understanding, and empathetic. I know I've had ruptures with other Ts. Ex-T was almost weekly. I even remember a few with T. Maybe it seems like a lot because I've been with her for awhile now?

Anyways, I was just wondering if it's normal and other's experiences.

From what I understand, yes - they are normal for those individuals that are working on abandonment and interpersonal pain/trauma. Like L says.

I guess the theory is that because of our trauma/history, we never learnt that ruptures (or misunderstandings and differences) can exist in caring/loving relationships while remaining our authentic self -- or simply remaining in the relationship. Something about love and conflict/anger/hate existing within a healthy and safe relationship.

And yeah the rupture/repair cycle repetition is suppose to teach us that it is safe. I think there's something with some of us about early early needs not being met... those early ruptures... like upset infant not being seen as upset so there is no/little emotional regulation done by the mother. Maybe the baby is quiet and fusses very little so the mommy doesn't really pay huge attention to the fussing because she doesn't realize that if there is any fuss it is really a big deal for the baby. Or maybe the baby is really fussy and mommy can't figure out what is the issue so the mommy finally gives up. In both cases - the babies dysregulation is not resolved (enough times, effectively enough) thus a rupture occurs.... and if the mommy doesn't return in the right way for that specific baby... the repair portion.. the rebuild of trust doesn't occur.

Or that's some of how I understand it ... from what my T has talked about and what I read.... all based on some of the theories that are out there.

Me and Ex T had a lot of misunderstandings. A lot of struggles and difficulties. Right from the beginning all the way to the end. But I learnt from it. I learnt a lot from it, and like with you she never got defensive. Not that she showed me anyway. I think learning how to work things through is good for you. Learning how to fall out, and repair the relationship is important I think. Elio said it all better than me, but yes, it was common in my therapy.

My T says it's not only normal, it can be a good thing too. And as Elio explained very nicely, people with certain kinds of issues or trauma will have more problems with dealing with the conflicts that come up. I think differences in relationship are normal, having trouble handling it is something to work on.

I'd differentiate of course, if it's every session and it doesn't get worked through, you'd probably need a second T just to process all the ruptures from the first one... that's not normal or good.
Having them from time to time, sometimes more sometimes less, is pretty standard I think. It's not any different from other close relationships. I fight with my partner, my friends, my parents, my grandparents, sometimes even my closer neighbors. There's people I constantly only fight with and those I don't usually try to interact with. But there will always be moments where for whatever reason, we are bothered by the other person's actions or what they say and react to that. This is true for almost everyone.

I by now am pretty convinced it actually can be a good thing, especially in therapy. If your T, like L sounds she does, reacts properly and you can learn from the experience, over time the reaction should get less, also leading to more understanding. Actually, just yesterday I had an example of this with my T in session:
I remember once my T said something - no idea what anymore - that bothered me. I got really, really dysregulated, cryed, probably my tone of voice changed a lot too, though I still remained respectful and everything. I was still able to talk to him, but I certainly wasn't in the mood to cooperate or understand what's going on.

Yesterday, my T was quiet for most of the first 10 or so minutes of my session, although I brought up various topics that I would have liked to breach and I think there might have been some good stuff in there. I, finally, came to my last option for topics, which was more about the past than present, but I didn't feel like talking about it too much, it really was a last option. He reacted a bit to that, but at some point we both got quiet again. If that goes on for too long he usually asks what I'm thinking about, so I just waited until he did that and then told him I was bothered by how he wasn't talking. We talked about it for like a minute or two, but I wasn't really THAT mad, I was a bit irritated moreso. And then we were able to talk through why maybe I was bothered that at some points he talks less and more just listens, if he's still there and pays attention.

Through the repeated ruptures by now I've kind of learned that they do happen from time to time, but they don't destroy the whole relationship. And through that I can also regulate myself more and we can talk about deeper connections in a way that it sticks more, so that hopefully some day I'll also be able to do the same thing outside of therapy.

Seems to me they must be normal for some of us. L told me something similar after the first one we had in the beginning of year 2, where I'd hung up on her during a phone session. What I remember her saying when I finally got up the nerve to call her and apologize, is that this is a relationship, and it's damaged, but not broken. And like other relationships, it can be healed. In my head at the time, I didn't quite understand that - I had things like this swirling around in my head: you mean you don't hate me now? You won't hold a grudge forever because I hung up on you? You mean it's not the end of the world that I was rude?

I haven't had many ruptures with my T...maybe 2, earlier on. But I believe we'd have more ruptures if I wasn't so afraid of conflict with her. I tend to agree, or at least validate, whatever she says. I feel like we don't go deep enough, over all.

My T thinks ruptures are an important part of therapy and many times they are even started or created unconsciously because we need to work something through. Sometimes I think it is just two people trying to navigate an intimate and unusual relationship that is often fraught with emotions, old wounds and triggers. I know we learn and grow from everything but ruptures with a T are so incredibly difficult when you are in them that it can be hard to see any way out . I recently had a rupture with my T that is not yet fixed and it is incredibly painful. I am not sure if we can work through it this time.

I don't know if "normal" is the right word, but they are probably not unexpected and more par for the course for clients with abandonment and attachment problems.

Honestly, I had never heard of the word "rupture" in relation to therapy until I started reading posts here on PC, and I don't think I was particularly prone to them because those were not my particular issues. (I had all sorts of other issues but not those in particular).

I think for those of us who go to therapy for issues other than abandonment/attachment, when we run into a disagreement with a therapist (or anyone in our life to be honest), we just address it in the moment and move one. We don't tend to dwell over those disagreements or fear that they are a precursor to abandonment or an indication of judgment. They are just points for discussion that we handle in the moment and that's just the end of it without lingering problems.

So it isn't like we don't have disagreements, but they don't linger or rise to a level that we would ever think of as a "rupture."

It makes me feel messed up though. Like they're always my fault. I know L says there's no good/bad, or fault. It's a dance between two people. But I just feel like I'm to blame because I'm the one who struggles with things like abandonment, rejection, relationships, or even object constancy. So I feel the blame.

This time, this rupture is about feeling like she's busier and doesn't have time for me. Of course, I take this deeper: she doesn't want me, I'm not important to her, she's going to stop loving me, she's going to leave me, etc. And that stirs up my issues with perfectionism or favoritism, etc. Which are all my issues; I own them. So it's my fault.

I am learning to bring up all my "multitudes" even the ones that might be me running into her humanness or mistakes. This time, she did admit, finally, to being busier. She explained the things that have changed for her. That really helped me feel more sane, like I can trust my instincts. It came down to word choice: busy/change vs seasons. The later felt like an excuse and minimized what I was feeling.

We still have issues to work on. It's not all better. But I'd say this rupture is now fixable. I think I really needed my intuition validated. Not that I'm always right, but that I'm not insane.

You say you “feel the blame.”

One thing my husband had to figure out (he was the one with abandonment issues) was that he had to stop looking to apply “blame” to his experience of his emotions. It wasn’t about “fault.” Sometimes people just need to express feelings, or they need to clarify communication, or they need to just listen or be heard. When he stopped defaulting to “I feel bad so it must be someone’s fault” or “I feel bad so I must be bad,” it relieved MUCH of the “ruptures” in his life. He realized simple direct communication didn’t have to be baggaged with blame; he realized when he stopped the fault-finding and just explained what was going on or inquired about something that needed clarification, it took SO much stress off of him and off of his relationships.

Takes time to get there, but it really was that approach in changing his thinking and communication style that made major differences in his emotional health.

Artley has already explained it nicely, but I'll add my own thoughts too:

Issues in a relationship, especially within the therapeutic one, are not about blame. Rarely it's very clear who would actually be to blame. Of course, we like to blame somebody for all the problems, but in most cases it just doesn't work. People behave in certain ways due to so many factors, and many of them are not their fault. Maybe a certain kind of upbringing, or their genetics, or so many other things. And while there's situations where one should be very careful to keep their own factors in check, such as at work, in therapy it's almost the opposite.

You could think of it as a kind of black or white thinking, which is also rarely how things tend to be.

Yes, things about people with abandonment issues make them more prone to being scared by disagreement or unpleasant interactions. But that's just how it is, it's not the fault of anyone with these issues. It makes sense in that bad interactions may lead to abandonment and we try to avoid that. It's an automatic reaction and not something you can affect too much, and reacting to anything that's perceived as abandonment will happen pretty quickly, at least for me. You can learn to manage that, and you're trying to do that.

I wouldn't blame somebody who got triggered by fireworks with the family, ran inside dropped to the floor, maybe tried to attack somebody else. I don't think people with other kinds of issues are to be blamed for the same reasons. In therapy, only one side really shows their issues, so it seems one-sided, but that doesn't mean it's not okay to have these instances.

Of course, this means that there will be maybe more issues than in other therapeutic relationships. But with a T like L you can look at it as practice, she doesn't just up and leave when you express your issues, she agrees with your instincts if they are correct but hopefully also is there for you enough that still have the support you need.

Thanks CNS! I do understand what you and Artley are saying.

L and I talked this morning. We were able to figure out what my triggers are: when I have needs or when I feel hurt. Also, that I am not used to change in people's lives, and the changes I have experienced in others tends to lead to abandonment. L is going through a lot of life changes making her less consistent and available. I'm going through major life stressors which increases my needs of her, but it hurts because she can't always be there...even less now. That's the dance. And like you were saying CNS, I'm having not just an emotional reaction to this, but a physical one. L pointed that out today.

All in all, I'm feeling more at easy, more understood, and more known. I really do hope to get better at this interpersonal stuff. I'm trying!

Rather than thinking about blame, is it useful to think about responsibility? As other people have said above, blame isn't a particularly valuable response because it's too blunt. Our relationships and emotions are far more nuanced and intricate than blame allows.

However, being able to work out what I am responsible for in a rupture is a part of my work. For example, I don't blame myself for being hostile towards my therapist, but I am responsible for identifying my feelings and processing them. My hostility is often *my* transferential response from *my* past: it is mine and she is not responsible for it. When she responds with defensiveness that is from *her* stuff: her feelings are not my responsibility.

Working out what is hers and what is mine helps me during ruptures and it helps me better understand my boundaries. I am not always very good at this and I still sometimes want to blame her for everything, but I can at least speak about being angry or blameful rather than lashing out. Sometimes.

Oh and another thing to consider is whether ruptures are normal for you in your relationships outside therapy. What are the parallels and what are the differences? How do you experience ruptures in life versus ruptures in therapy?

That was also something that was brought up this morning. Usually in my other relationships, if there is a disagreement or hurt, I'm to blame. The expectation is always on me. Like H always blames me in a fight. Or one time I set a boundary with my sister, and my dad scolded me for not helping her. Like I see L as the "healthier" one in the relationship, my family sees me as the "healthier" one. And even if they see a weakness in me, their expectations are still there because they say I have L.

As far as your other post comrade, I am making sure I own my parts, my issues, my baggage, and my dance. That is easy to do for me. I turn the blame onto myself. It's safer that way. I know it's a coping mechanism. It's familiar and it's safer. If it's my fault then maybe I can fix it. And if I can fix it, then maybe they won't leave me.

This illustrates my point really. You are assuming responsibility for things which aren't yours. You can fix, you can avoid her leaving, and so on. These are things which are beyond your control and yet you are mixing it all up together and trying to be you and decide how she will be too. Owning your parts also means only owning your parts. Blame and baggage don't help you work out your boundaries.

Oh, I know I can't fix things or somehow not make her leave. I was just stating that's where my emotional mind goes to.

L and I made huge progress yesterday on a different rupture. Well, it wasn't a rupture or a disagreement, but more of a misunderstanding on both our parts. I emailed her about my SI duringher vacation, and she thought I was reaching out to her when she wasn't there. We're learning how to have deeper conversations, more understanding, and using a common vocabulary. I feel so much more known and she feels less confused. We are understanding each other and working as a team on this. It feels so good to make progress.