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smileygal
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Default Dec 06, 2021 at 04:34 PM
  #1
Like many with childhood trauma one of my things is worrying about the other person, trying to take care of them or being understanding of the reasons why they might so something and thus rationalizing away difficult feelings. e.g. I understand why my parents had their own trauma and this contributed to why they did and didn't do what things that caused my trauma. This makes if difficult then to feel any anger towards them which is something I feel I need to feel at some point and work through. I also do this with my t. On high alert to what might be going on for her and rationalizing away things which then causes me to dilute my own feelings. e.g she recently had something big going on in her life and forgot to tell me something pretty big and important which was very hurtful as she would have known that I would be hurt by it so to 'forget; she hadn't told me showed some complacency. I get she is human so instead of feeling that hurt I leant into the 'she is human, she has a lot going on,'I'm being silly, we all make mistakes yaydadada

My question is how do you stop rationalizing things people doing especially with my T in order to face the feelings it brings up. Like I 'know' something was not okay but can't 'feel' that it was not okay as my rational brain won't allow it.
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Default Dec 07, 2021 at 01:20 AM
  #2
I've never had much luck with face- to- face therapy so I am really the last person on earth to offer advice. I can definitely relate to what you expressed in your post though. I also struggle with similar issues on a general level. Hopefully others here with more experience, knowledge and insight will see your post and respond with something really helpful.
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Default Dec 07, 2021 at 03:57 AM
  #3
Hello.

I think it might be a case of just being fully honest about how you feel. Even after you've rationalised the other person's behaviour and basically tried to give them a second chance etc, still ask yourself, 'how do I truly feel about them' or 'can I accept them into my life now' - questions like that. Being able to trust in the person might be part of the equation too.

I hope I've understood your question correctly.🙏

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Default Dec 07, 2021 at 05:53 AM
  #4
I often do this partially because when I mess up I hope people will be understanding and forgiving. I have necer abused people but still. In therapy we figure out the cause of my actions (trama mostly) and have learned to forgive myself. That being said, I can feel some empathy for a person while still be very angry and hurt it is important to all the hurt and honor it. It does not have to be one or the other, it is okay and normal to have conflicting feelings.

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Default Dec 08, 2021 at 06:56 PM
  #5
You can be very angry, hurt or disappointed by what someone did without concluding that they’re a bad human. What they did truly sucked but you don’t have to write them off as a person. You also don’t have to excuse it.

Rationalizing the way you’re talking about sounds is a way of rushing to forgiveness without allowing the relationship to experience the full messiness of anger and hurt. How comfortable are you with your own anger? How comfortable are you telling someone that they’ve hurt you?

I find that part really hard and I’d prefer to just decide that something isn’t a big deal or find empathy for the other person’s situation so I can explain their actions to myself. And then I can conveniently sidestep the really uncomfortable “you really hurt my feelings” conversation. Incidentally I also like to spend a lot of time judging how rational or justified my anger is. (Turns out anger doesn’t actually care.)

The problem is, that’s an important conversation to be able to initiate. And its important to know you can love someone, be angry with them, work it through, and come out the better for it.

So I think, who cares what her reasons are, she hurt you, you should tell her and practice experiencing the whole cycle of hurt, communication and repair.
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Default Dec 10, 2021 at 09:54 PM
  #6
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Originally Posted by Favorite Jeans View Post

So I think, who cares what her reasons are, she hurt you, you should tell her and practice experiencing the whole cycle of hurt, communication and repair.
Thanks for this. Yes, I think I need to allow my hurt and anger to surface first and give them the space they need and communicate them respectfully and hope that it can be repaired. Maybe the rationalizing of why can come after if at all. I do tend to over process so maybe stopping that somehow would help.
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Default Dec 10, 2021 at 09:56 PM
  #7
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I often do this partially because when I mess up I hope people will be understanding and forgiving. I have necer abused people but still. In therapy we figure out the cause of my actions (trama mostly) and have learned to forgive myself. That being said, I can feel some empathy for a person while still be very angry and hurt it is important to all the hurt and honor it. It does not have to be one or the other, it is okay and normal to have conflicting feelings.
Yes, this is a piece of it for me. Like when I do make a mistake or do something wrong I seem to have an need to over explain myself as to why I did it or how my reason for making the mistake to somehow show them I'm really not a bad person and hopefully they will be less angry with me and still love me...
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Default Dec 10, 2021 at 09:57 PM
  #8
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Originally Posted by mote.of.soul View Post
Hello.

I think it might be a case of just being fully honest about how you feel. Even after you've rationalised the other person's behaviour and basically tried to give them a second chance etc, still ask yourself, 'how do I truly feel about them' or 'can I accept them into my life now' - questions like that. Being able to trust in the person might be part of the equation too.

I hope I've understood your question correctly.🙏
Thanks for your reply. I am working on trying to be more honest with people when they have hurt me or when I am angry with them as it was something I didn't or couldn't do growing up.
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Default Dec 11, 2021 at 02:05 AM
  #9
There's a difference between rationalizing away feelings and giving someone the benefit of doubt. In my experience, the other person's intentions play a role. I've been learning to temper my anger reactions by asking if I actually know the intentions of others or if I'm making an assumption about what another person's reasons are for saying or doing something. And my reactions (anger, sadness, fear etc) need to be at a level that matches someone's intentions. If I don't know what the other person intended when they said or did something, I don't know what my reaction should be.
It may be cliche and corny, but I use "I feel (blank) when (blank)." And actually ask the other person what their intentions are. Its helped me quite a bit in healing certain traumas, avoiding ptsd triggers that still exist and to identify toxic people in my life (by toxic I mean they negatively impact my wellbeing).
When I'm starting the difficult conversation or facing what could be an unpleasant reaction by someone else, I start by telling them it isn't my intention to hurt them and I don't want to assume that what might be difficult for me will be difficult for them. I give them the benefit of the doubt that they have their own issues without rationalizing away any impact it has on me and how I feel.
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Default Dec 11, 2021 at 05:04 AM
  #10
This sounds a little like circle living that L taught me. You have your core-self as the center circle which is who a person is: beliefs, morals, etc. Then the next outer circle is thoughts, feelings and actions. Your thoughts, feelings and actions do not make you who you are. I don't think you're rationalizing away your feelings per se. I think you might be practicing circle living. You can see that a person's thoughts, feelings, and actions don't make them who they are. I can do that with my parents too. They went through child abuse growing up. They tried to do better with their children, but imo they failed with all 3 of us. However, they are not bad people. Their core is good.

I think your issue is you're combining your own self-core with others. You mention you feel your feelings are silly. You're reacting to their thoughts, feelings, and actions as a reflection of yourself. You're allowed your own thoughts and feelings without sacrificing them for the other person.

Also remember that feelings are not bad. Feelings shows you how the environment or situation feels to you. They are healthy, all the range: anger, hurt, sadness, jealousy, joy, etc. You don't need to put yourself down for how you feel. And it's good to express them as well as your needs (I'm learning this right now in my therapy).

So I don't think your "rationalizing" is all "bad" and definitely not silly. If you feel it's a problem, definitely bring it up to your T. You can explore with your T these feelings you have about rationalization.

One more thing: maybe you feel like you're forgiving a person too quickly. Remember forgiveness is more about you than the other person. Forgiveness allows you to move on. Again, you can process this with your T.

Also, maybe you have underlying feelings that scare you, so you push them down.

Sorry for the unorganized thoughts. It's 2am here and I was just kind of going with the flow of my thought process.

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Default Dec 13, 2021 at 10:54 AM
  #11
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Originally Posted by mote.of.soul View Post
Hello.

I think it might be a case of just being fully honest about how you feel. Even after you've rationalised the other person's behaviour and basically tried to give them a second chance etc, still ask yourself, 'how do I truly feel about them' or 'can I accept them into my life now' - questions like that. Being able to trust in the person might be part of the equation too.

I hope I've understood your question correctly.🙏
Good post

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Default Dec 13, 2021 at 01:36 PM
  #12
I just read a really great post on instagram from an unknown therapist that I follow that was very relevant to this topic and really resonated with me and what I feel I am doing so thought I would share...It said...

Blind compassion is one of my all time favourite unhealthy coping mechanisms.

I get to skip anger and go straight to self righteous 'understanding'? Yes please! My ego loves nothing better than evidence that I am 'so much better and more developed' than others.

Understanding that mistreatment usually comes from unhealthy coping mechanisms doesn't make it okay to be mistreated.

Be careful you don't bypass your own anger, need, for distance, or self-protectiveness by being overly compassionate.

Feel your anger, react in a way that honours what you need, THEN find compassion.

Jumping straight to understanding could be a defense mechanism that will keep you stuck in unhealthy dynamics.


I do sometimes think 'I'm just so compassionate and understanding of others' as if it is my super power when really perhaps it is partly an unhealthy coping mechanism to avoid feeling anger etc
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