Couch 234: Ready, Set, Go!

Artie, continuing the conversation from the Dear T thread, I think you have a "both/and" situation here. You had a real, rich, meaningful relationship with L AND she made plenty of space for you to explore your fantasies and projections within the relationship. I don't know exactly what she said, but I doubt she managed to keep her real self out of the therapeutic relationship for an entire decade.

Artie,
I agree with the others on this thread and the other. Your perception of L was/is real. Your relationship with her was/is real. Even if part of it was fantasy, it was still real for you. It helped you grow and heal. There's a quote that kind of relates: that the version of you in you mind doesn't actually exist. We can flip that and say L's version of herself doesn't actually exist. Yet your version of her (and her friends and family's version) does! I hope this quote doesn't confuse things for you. I'm just saying that you love and respect a real person.

This is interesting, Scarlet. Thanks for sharing!

Thank you both. This is some good stuff for me to think on. It only really gets me down at night, when I'm laying in bed and can't sleep, but I think all of this is going to be helpful to do some thinking/writing about after I get off work today (on break now). I really like that quoted stuff Scarlet, I like it a lot.

oooooohhhhh like this - we only "exist" as we are in relationship to other people.

And that's what's so confusing for me I guess. For most of the past 10 years she would go on about how she brings her whole self to our sessions, the relationship is real, etc every time I would talk about how weird the relationship is and how it's fake and stuff. She even told me a couple of times when one of my dreams about her echoed something she'd been thinking about but never mentioned - that because of the connection between us I'd picked up on the things somehow - maybe that freaked her out more than she let on and that's why she pulled back and did the 180. I don't know. Doesn't so much matter anymore anyway. I'm out of it now, just need to give myself time to heal from the loss of the relationship. Y'all are right and I don't care what she said. It felt real to me, so it WAS real to me. And that's all I need to know.

It's good that I can think/write about this during the day without getting all sad. If I figure enough of it out during the daylight hours, I'm sure it'll stop bothering me at night at some point! Oops breaks over. Better get back to work. Thankfully today is just an 8 hour day since it's my 6th day.

Artie, is the concept that you never knew your therapist as a "real" person an idea which she has encouraged or one which you have arrived at yourself? I am interested to know because I have been having quite a strong response to many of your postings about your ending (obviously my own projections about my therapeutic relationship).

One of the responses I have had is a mixture of sadness and frustration. I think being told no to the letter and the notion of the relationship having been fantastical or imaginary are really hard things to process. And yet in this post-ending stage, you can't process it with her and you are left with it. You sound like you are struggling and I think that's really hard to do alone. After all, no one understands the relationship in the way that you and your therapist do.

She said it straight up: "You don't really know me." I don't remember exactly what I had said before that but I'd been talking about things I was going to miss about therapy with her. Obviously I was talking about therapist-her but maybe she didn't get that. I don't know. It's only recently that she started telling me I was being romantic or whatever. I know I took that and ran with it, so part of this is on me, too.


And, that last part, therein is the problem I think, that she and I apparently understood "the relationship" differently & that's what I'm stuck with trying to accept I suppose.


I wish I could process this with her, but that's not a possibility so here I am trying to process it here. You guys are a big help though, seriously. I will get there. I probably just need to give myself more time, and a little more grace.

I'm so damn rational when the sun is up.

I don't think you both have to completely agree on the texture of the relationship in order for you to both know the relationship better than anyone else. You know if from your side, she knows it from hers, and you each know something of what happens between you. No one else knows these various aspects like you two, even with your differences.

For what it's worth, I think she has behaved in a cowardly way. It's easy to say you didn't know her, it's a dodge. Of course you didn't know her in the way you know you a friend or lover, but you each knew the intimacies of what happened between you - and that is the part she could have honoured. I wouldn't be able to end on these notes. In Gestalt terms, it seems like there is lots of unfinished business and unresolved desires. Maybe this always happens at the end of relationships, but I would want more if I was in your position.

Thank you for that. And you're right, that there is unfinished business between us but I didn't see that 3 weeks ago because well, I guess I was still feeling pretty rejected over her saying no to the letter (while still blaming myself for wanting it in the first place) but y'know that's exactly the "more" I wanted from the letter. The honoring of what did happen between us instead of her suddenly acting like I invented it all. It wasn't even just that she said no - it was the way she said no - she said it was "too much pressure".


I'm thinking at this point though that it would likely do more harm than good for me to try talking with her about it. She is who she is, I am who I am, and it's over now whatever it was or wasn't. Time and distance will help, of this I am sure.

They cancelled 2 hours of our 6th day overtime today!! Woo hoo! I got off work 20 minutes ago.

I can well understand that she does not feel accessible and that you anticipate further hurt from her. I imagine that is part of the struggle. Ugh. Keep talking to us.

Thanks. I just realized something else - now that I understand what I actually wanted from the letter, I can write it to myself. (Which she had suggested that I do, but I didn't know what to say when I tried.) So I am going to do that.

I once wrote a letter to myself. I put it away because I wrote it when I was with ex-T. L has my binder of all of ex-T's stuff. This vacation she took pictures of my letter and sent them to me. She suggested I re-read it. Wow! I was one smart chick back then. There was a lot of good advice I gave to myself. I'm glad I saved it and that L had me read it.

I hope the same healing comes from your letter! <3

Thanks, Scarlet!

(and you're still one smart chick! )

I'm gonna make some more of those crocheted butterflies. Once I have a dozen of them, next time I go out I'm going to start dropping them in random places, with little cheerful poems, for people to find.

Hugs to people struggling if you wnt
My new battery operated lawn mower works btter than i expected especially on the longer grass. It has a fair amount of grunt but it is light and easy to manoeuvre which is what i found hard about the old one that place pulling the ripcord repeatedly to start it nearly did me in. The battery lasted about 25 minutes on about 3/4 charge but it went through some tough grass so i think it will do well when the grass is shorter. Thinking about getting another battery to swap over mid mow but maybe i should use chrging time about 2-3 hours to rest i will see.

My therapist situation is not sexy and will probably get lost in the shuffle, but I’m very seriously miserable about it and really need advice, so here it is.

Saw Info yesterday. Fashion report: blue cashmere sweater, gold pendant and earrings, bell-bottom jeans with pearls sewn all the calves. Crocs.

Two sessions ago she suddenly interrupted me ten minutes in when her email went off and she realized she double-booked (was supposed to be talking to some group of students at the same time). She literally cut me off mid-sentence. I don’t mind so much that she screwed up and double-booked but I very much mind the way she handled it.

We did meet after that so we could talk about it. She didn’t charge me. But it wasn’t particularly useful. And yesterday she indicated that she expects everything to be a-ok again because we talked about it oh, and she didn’t charge me. (Apparently when a therapist makes a mistake, it’s over in half an hour, but your parents make a mistake, it takes years of therapy to resolve, because according to her, she didn’t really do anything wrong, she just triggered me.)

A bunch of other stuff came out yesterday too. Like she complained I never smile in welcome. This is true, because I view therapy as worse than the dentist and I do not look forward to it. I pointed that out, and also that if she wants me to smile, she could smile first. But apparently she can’t do that, because she should mirror me. I can’t mirror her?

And there were other complaints, like I won’t let her in, or how I control her access to my emotional life. And, well, yes. Has she not heard a word I’ve said the past 4 1/2 years? Therapists are not trustworthy. People are not trustworthy. And it’s a well-known characteristic of the hearing-impaired that they very closely control themselves around the hearing. It’s a survival tactic.

And that last bugs me. Because even though my hearing and the negative happenings around it at work have been my main topic of conversation in therapy for over a year, she still can’t put it together what it means to live with that disability. She claims she does know because her brother was a dwarf, but, uh...no, she observed her brotger, she was not him. I suggested a good book on living with the hearing impaired and she said she’s read it. That was six months ago. Nada. Better not to say you will if you won’t.

I’m about 85% to firing her. There’s no good reason not to. She’s mediocre as a therapist at best. The only thing that’s keeping her on is she does fill some emotional need that Visa doesn’t, nor my friends and family. I just can’t really define it, so I don’t know if I can leave it.

What I would really love is responses about the above. Even if it’s “she’s always been a quack and I don’t know what you ever saw in her.”