Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVIII

Dear T, I am starting to really dread Christmas day this year, it more stressful with everything going on. I hope you are okay and I hope to hear from you very soon. I know with the holidays you may not get back to me til the New Year. I just wish I did not worry so much.
Love
Cheryl

Dear T,
Sorry for the email, but I just feel sort of weird about how you reacted to a few things today and would rather kind of clear the air now vs. waiting to talk about it right before the holiday. I just want you to understand *why* I was asking those things. And I'm also hoping that this will allow me to get emailing out of my system, and I can abstain for Thursday evening through Tuesday afternoon (barring something really awful happening). Had this been a non-holiday week, and I was meeting with you Wednesday (and then Friday), I'd have just waited to talk to you then.

Love,
LT

I'm hoping you can make me feel better. I am pretty anxious right now about covid and I know it freaks you out too but I could just use some reassurance in general.

This severe anxiety seems to be coming out of nowhere. I woke up with it early this morning

I wish I could hold your hand again and feel close. I will forever miss that, I think.

Dear T,
I did really appreciate your response, including the self-reflection involved. I wish I was talking to you tomorrow though--really stressed about Covid and stuff. Though I suppose it's better that we're talking Thursday instead because it's less time between that and Tuesday's session. I do hope you'll have figured out what you are or are not willing to share regarding your vacation. I realized that it would have been better if you'd just said "I'm not really comfortable sharing any information"--it was the silence that was difficult for me, as I was just sort of rambling and throwing out questions, hoping you would give me *something*. I just worry about you and want you to be safe.

But I also wonder if it's easier for me to be outwardly worried about you? Rather than about my D (we are keeping her home tomorrow), myself, H, my parents, H's mom... Like am I projecting those fears onto you? Though you've also been a huge source of support for me over the past--what, 21 months now? (Ugh.) So I think it's natural that I'd fear you going away, whether briefly due to illness or longer-term, like from long Covid, or worse.... Plus, I mean, I love you, of course, platonically, but still.
Love,
LT

L,
I don't want to say goodbye to you today for the holidays. Three weeks without seeing you is a long time.

Okay as much as I’m concerned for myself, I am WAY more concerned about you. May you fail your tests today.

I made it to the cinema today, to see A Boy Called Christmas. "Grief is the price you pay for love, and worth paying a million times over." The closer I come to that figure, the less I agree.


One hand on chest, and breathe....

You said you want to try a sea urchin even though the outside is poisinous and its bland but you said my pumpkin spice latte and cheesy frito burrito combo sounds like diarrhea. Um. Ok. Its funny but so are our weight diffrences.

Oh God…
I don’t care if I get sick. What I’m worried about is you, because I know this is a Big Deal™️ and I’m terrified for you. Please let you be okay

I'm getting kinda weary of hearing all about your life during my sessions. You seem to be confused between a client and a friend.

T and E: Today has been THE longest day ever, and it is only day one of being back. Can I do it? I know you reminded me that I have survived every encounter thus far, but I swear it gets harder every year.

L,
Please don't forget the extended email and the Christmas email!

Thank you!!!

Hey, New T, I had a dream about you last night... Out of nowhere it seems. Actually, I had a few dreams last night, one of which included all my teeth falling out! I dreamt that you had decided you couldn't work with me anymore. Because I reminded you too much of yourself, and you hadn't done the work on that part of you necessary in order to work with me. In one way you were really nice about it, in another way you were so mean when I got upset. You told me to get a hold of myself, basically stop being a baby about it all. I was trying to explain that a big part of my journey has been about allowing these feelings. How I never would have got upset about things in the past, but that now I wanted to be different. But in the bath yesterday I was wondering if I really DID want things to be different after all. Feelings are SO hard!! This anxiety I am feeling over COVID and Christmas is crazy. I feel all jittery in my arms... I've had a headache for two weeks now and I am getting occasional chest pains. I can't speak to the doctor because they are all busy dealing with the boosters so I spoke to the pharmacy who suggested Kalms. So I am going to take those and see what they do. Doesn't help I've just been told we are short staffed over the Christmas weekend so I will have to work harder now and my Dad is stuck in self isolation because his day two PCR test hasn't arrived and now we don't know what to do! Hopefully he can book another one and get the results in time for Saturday. But yeah, some days I would rather go back to how I was before, but then I know I would t have any of the friends that I have now. I wouldn't have my wonderful other half and I wouldn't have experienced the love I felt from and for Ex T, so, maybe I have to take the poison with the pie??

Apparently I lied. I'm not going to stop typing here. I've been awake since 3:30am thinking about you and wondering where my work would have gone next had we not stopped. Not regretting that we did stop, because I know now that I can still do the work with the version of you that I carry with me, I just need to sit myself down and do it. Maybe after work today I'll start writing about it and see where that goes....

We had a great session today, with a small reminder of the progress I have made since last year. Thanks for also confirming my suspicions over mum putting herself down - I know my therapy isn’t about her, well I guess not directly, but we both suffered negative consequences of dad’s behaviour and I wish she would be willing to untangle her own skein and get better. Even now dad’s gone, I’m too tired of being in the situation, or at least of trying to shake off the phantoms, to give anything ‘above and beyond’ to her right now. Is that even my job anyway?
I do think she realises, deep down, what happened to her but she’s minimising it all. I’m just sad that she didn’t see she deserved better.
I can only be responsible for myself, though.

Its been 10 months today since my last session with my transference T. I wonder if she ever thinks about me. My current T was saying that I didnt mean as much as I thought I did to her. But I dont know. I hope she hasnt forgotten about me totally, but we had only been meeting for less then 2 years. So its not like I was with her for years.

I'm still just trying to process this currently in therapy. I think its just the time of year. This cant go on forever, eventually I'll have to let go and accept things.

You know L, it's a funny combination of feelings I've got right now. I'm thinking about you quite often throughout the days/nights this week. Maybe that's just me creating the new version of you inside like you were talking about? Since I finally let go of 'fantasy-you'? And at some point you'll stop popping into my head so often... I dunno. At any rate, it's all good, I'm settled with the decision and know it was time, no regrets.

p.s. I wish you could have met 'fantasy-you'. She was awesome. I miss her more than I miss you. If that's not weird enough....

Maybe I should write a little story with fantasy-you as the main character. That might be fun. Have her run off and join a traveling circus or something.