Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVIII

I miss you, yet I can't make myself attach to you.

I miss you. I still feel like something massive is missing from my life. Like I've lost something and no matter where or when I look I can't find it. When does that feeling go away? When do I 'get over it'? (Yeah, I know, you don't get over it....) Will I ever stop looking though? Wishing you all the best for this year, and wishing that somehow we can continue to find a way forwards... However that may be. Love me.

Dear New T,

And now I feel bad for not sharing yesterday!! Need to resolve this in my head... I'll take them a homemade treat in the week or something I think.

Not quite the way I wanted to start the new year, I feel I should have shared, but then I would have been upset because they hadn't let me know they were coming...

It's hard this life thing... Or do I make it harder than it needs to be I wonder??

THanks so much for answering my email earlier. I really dind't expecit that you would but i appreicate htat you did.love you

so much.

and i miss you sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much

I miss transference T quite a bit today. I guess maybe because I was snooping on her facebook last night. I swear I just self sabtoage for reasons I don't understand. In a month and 23 days it will be one year since our last session. Today I ate a pack of European chocolate smarties to help deal with these demons. Last therapy session with my current T I didn't mention my transfernce T at all. But for reasons I don't know remote is more productive and deeper then in person. And my transference T said that our remote sessions were deeper too. I dont mind doing them when I have to but I dont want to do it all the time.

But yeah I miss transfernce T today and I'm not giving much of a thought to my current T. Not in a bad way I am just not needy with her and I don't want her attention outside of sessions. I have noticed some good things from my surgery regarding my hormones and I don't have a crush on her even with my change in dose.

I just still have no clue why I can't get over my transfernce T and 3 therapists havent been able to help me yet either.

Hey E. I am kind of scared about how much I already feel attached to you. I know I've known you for a few years, but that was only in crisis. We've only been in therapy together for a few months, and I might be more attached to you than to my T I've seen for 6.5 years? That scares me.Will I ever tell you this? Nope!

I'm glad you were able to see me last night, even if it was sort of a holiday. I hope you went out after and had a good new year. I went to bed. Look forward to your email response.

The answer to everything isn't the hospital.

I'm going to have to do another telehealth appointment with you on Wednesday because my mom has an eye appointment she set up in October and this was the soonest they had. I'm not sure why she didn't tell me about it before today so I could have possibly rescheuled an in person session if I had known a few weeks ago... I also don't feel good still so telehealth may be for the best. I'll email you tomorrow.

Dear T,
This is the extremely rare time when I am actually hoping that schools will close due to snow. One less absence for D, at least. And maybe one more day for the superintendent to pull his head out of, you know...
Sorta wish I'd talked to you Thursday about D's p-doc appointment tomorrow, but oh well--I think I had still been considering postponing it at the time I met with you.. We'll just give him our observations and see what he suggests.


Love,
LT

I’m looking forward to talking with you tomorrow, even though I’m nervous about being overheard. Been up and down, today, mostly still over what I was telling you on Tuesday. It seems like a lot of people around me still see me as a child. Is it an old people thing, in general? I hope so, even though it’s annoying either way. I am a capable human being about to have a better late than never launch, dammit!

I wish I kinda were attracted to you because I feel like the song Stay With Me. The part that goes "but I still need love cause I'm just a man" not being attracted to anyone whos currently in my life but still having feelings for someone whos not honestly kinda sucks.

I just checked facebook and today is the 2 year anniversary of me discovering those mint candy bars that remind me so much about my transfernce T. If my stomach wasn't on fire with who knows what I might eat one right now.

I ate one and I feel better. I didn't tell my mom the reason I was eating them. But she seems to think the sugar made me feel physically better vs an increase in my endorphins type thing because of depression. And to be honest after switching from regular to zero sugar soda she may not be wrong that the candy bars legit make me feel better physically and not emotionally.

I'm playing with my kinetic sand just now (got distracted by it while cleaning off a shelf haha) and it of course reminds me of doing sand trays. Hmm, maybe I'll go to the dollar store and find some little toys I can use to make mini sand trays in there. Might be good. I love the feel of the sand.

Which reminds me! Dang it! I forgot to take a pic of my final sand tray!! Well, I remember what I did in it so I'm going to try to sketch it out after work. Oops, lunch is over gotta log back on.

Dear T,
No it’s not been a great holiday time. We got stuck home in a useless quarantine. I wanted to spend Christmas with my grandma and could not. I missed her, my parents, everything about my people. I don’t know why i hated to be stuck home with my family - I feel guilty about this. I feel guilty towards my girl, she’s totally drained me, us. I feel i/we have failed her big time.
Now I’m so angry at you having been away for one month on some wonderful holiday but at the same time miss you like never before. But I got pneumonia, so when you’ll text me saying “is next Wednesday ok for you?” I’ll have to say “no thanks, see you somewhere in the future”.
Great start. Rant over.

I was missing you a bit earlier and h was all why do you look so sad. So I put my tennies on and went for a walk, looked for a rock to practice a little divination work with, because I haven't been doing much of that lately... found one and stopped to hold it for a couple minutes, focused on its energy and the stuff I learned in that workshop, and it felt so calming and warm holding it in my hands and I got a clear message which was helpful in how I'm feeling about no longer seeing you. I put the rock back where I found it and continued on my walk.

Don't forget me completely, okay?

I can't allow myself to have a full-blown griefquake over this...however, Steve's fourth book should come out tomorrow. I realised this at 2:00am today, and the heaviness has been hanging around ever since.

His previous book was pushed back after everything happened, but I haven't heard anything about this one. It's almost as though it's fallen off the face of the earth...and that is hard to take. I think this book would have had even broader appeal than the last...and he had actually set the release date.

Dear T,
That session felt really connected today, which I appreciated. It seemed like you were doing just the right level of self-disclosure, enough where you were empathizing and not throwing up random boundaries, but not so much that it felt more friend-like. (Well, I guess you didn't need to share all the ingredients of that roasted kale recipe, but that's fine.) It helped to hear that you'd become emotional about losing a place, too.

Also, I'm sure this was obvious, but I'm incredibly relieved that you're no longer going away for a week later this month. In part because the time around my birthday is difficult for me (and this is a bigger birthday), but also because I'd be concerned about your catching Covid, with the current rates in our country (and the world, really--as maybe you were traveling out of the country). And our governor was just saying how this month might be our most difficult yet in the pandemic--so I imagine I'll be feeling the stress of that. So it helps to know I'll still have your support during that week.

I know you were half-joking about my "getting good counseling" being one of the (very few) positive things that happened in 2021, but your support has really meant a lot to me throughout the pandemic. You've helped me get through something that at times has felt insurmountable. I suppose I should actually say that to you at some point. I kept wanting to do that at the end of the pandemic, but will that actually ever arrive? Perhaps I'll mention it Wednesday, like not make some huge deal about it, but just to at least briefly say it.

Love,
LT

You really thought I must have been in a crisis last week when I emailed you. Last week I got a response in 5 minutes. Today I emailed you around 10 "without the details." and havent gotten a response yet. But I have open avalibilty all day tommrow so I was kinda hoping to hear from you.

I don't really know you at all, do I... It just dawned on me. I am not sure what to do with that yet. I don't want it to change things, but I fear that it may