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velcro003
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Default Jan 21, 2022 at 09:38 PM
  #341
Dear T: I appreciate it SO much that you called to check in on me today. I felt like our session on Wednesday was off, probably bc of the covid news you got/your bday...but you redeemed it today. Talk to you next week!

E: Thanks for the email. It really makes me feel a little bit better knowing my T's seem to care about my well-being, even when not in session.

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Default Jan 21, 2022 at 09:50 PM
  #342
I'm irritable. Maybe next week I'll open the session by talking about how therapists have more narcissistic traits than the general public. I can read you some excerpts from studies.

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Default Jan 22, 2022 at 11:00 AM
  #343
I'm just laughing at a conversation we had the other week where you were confused and thought I was going to go to Chuck e Cheese and I was confused by your reaction and I said "why?" And you said "because your a 28 year old man." And you looked legit scared even though I had no plans on going there.

Sometimes our misunderstandings are pretty funny.

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Default Jan 22, 2022 at 02:04 PM
  #344
I wish I had gone for a walk last night when the snow was fresh and lovely. There's something so melancholy to me about snow melting. Probably a remnant of childhood when this signified an end to fun and snow days from school.

What shall my goals be for today? I failed to do any cleaning in my room yesterday, so I should probably do that. If I just did the recycling, that would be a big improvement. Unload the dishwasher. There are other things I'd like to make goals, but I'm really trying to stick to goals I know I can 100% manage if I choose to.

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Default Jan 22, 2022 at 03:18 PM
  #345
Dear T,

I think our discussion yesterday was well-timed with that yoga/meditation reboot course starting last night. It helped keep me in a thoughtful state, one of self-care, rather than of negative thoughts. Well, along with some of what you said to me. Though I slept very poorly and was a bit panicky for a bit this morning, so it's not all sunshine and roses.

But then, once I calmed down some, I went ahead and did today's meditation/breathwork component, and it seemed to help calm me more (I know, I know, what have you been suggesting off and on all along?) Just did the yin yoga/meditation part, and we were supposed to journal right after that--poorly timed with D and H getting home right as I was starting the journaling part (I'd intended to do that tonight). But I think I came up with some good thoughts that actually tie into the end of yesterday's session. So I think I'll share those with you Monday (they're short!).

So I'm trying!
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Default Jan 22, 2022 at 04:20 PM
  #346
Dude. There's something else you were right about, that you said last time we met; it really doesn't, does it? Yesterday I didn't even notice when it was what used to be our session time. I thought about it at like 4pm or something when I went to the grocery store, which leaving my house is in the same direction as your house so... muscle memory? ha.

Once our January overtime is done with, I'm going to start attending those weekly zoom drum circles. I'm not sure how I'll feel if we both happen to show up at the same one. Huh. I know we already discussed if that happens, so I suppose I'll just plan to go with what we already decided and not worry about it.

Other than the continuing covid crap, and working too much, life post-therapy is pretty darn good.
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Default Jan 22, 2022 at 06:09 PM
  #347
I feel like you are honestly a bit worried about the age thing. Since next month I'll be older then you but I act and look so much younger it can become confusing. I personally can see past that and can forget about it during sessions. But I am not sure if you can. I know last week you seemed uncomfortable when I asked what month you were born. I was just wondering. I don't care.

But its like the song Riptide

"I just wanna I just wanna know, if you're gonna, if you're gonna stay."

I just don't want to be screwed over by another person because this one would hurt. The last therapist was a transphobic bigot. So I didn't care that it was personal. I just sometimes get transfernce T vibes from you and I still believe I am not 100% over her either.

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Default Jan 22, 2022 at 08:02 PM
  #348
If I lose my job, will you split your income and pension with me? We don't necessarily need to get married (I know you are already married to that wretched butch lesbian who plays golf); although in many ways this would be the most obvious way to proceed. We could draw up a monthly standing order from your bank account to mine, set at a realistic but generous amount. Alternatively, you could sign over the rights of various assets and investments which you might have, but this seems like it might involve more legal process than marriage or monthly payments. I feel quite flexible about the means and method, but something needs to be done ASAP because I cannot continue working. I am not one of life's natural producers and I don't want to get all Marxist about the matter, but you are a terrible parasite. You need to learn to contribute. It can be a financial gain for me, a personal development quest for you.
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Default Jan 22, 2022 at 08:31 PM
  #349
I feel kind of sick about some social realities (for want of a better term) of my situation and fear I might have a massive emotional blowout if I keep thinking about it. The list of things I’m angry about seems to be getting longer each week at the moment. Yesterday morning I felt so serene and powerful; now, like I need to book myself into one of those rooms where people break plates and stuff with a baseball bat. I feel like I need to take you with me to show you how angry I am. Maybe you already have an inkling, though.
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Default Jan 22, 2022 at 08:36 PM
  #350
I feel like uber eats shouldn't bug me to order something when the roads are all icy.

Anyway, I had a pretty decent day today. I wonder if what I did when I woke up helped. As usual, one of my first thoughts on waking was that I felt surprisingly optimistic. I think that usually gets the ball rolling on my rumination cycle where I feel anxious that I will start feeling bad and it's a self fulfilling prophecy. I can't remember exactly what I told myself, but the intention was to interrupt that train of thought before I start worrying. I think it was something vaguely encouraging, but not toxically positive.

I think it probably also helped that I had to walk to the gas station to get a charging cord for my phone. The gas station is only like a quarter mile away and it was nice and cold out. This would be the opposite of helpful during warm or even almost warm weather. I got myself some skittles as a reward.

I need to think of some non-food rewards. The problem is I'm trying not to accumulate more stuff. I have enough stuff. That's why food works so well. Other things that would be used up don't really appeal. I really don't enjoy bathing, so a fancy bath and body sort of thing doesn't feel like a reward. I guess I do really like lip balm and consistently use that, multiple times per day. That's an idea. Maybe a pot of that Savannah Bee honey lotion that smells so nice. Although that's a rather big treat since it's more than $20. Could be suitable for doing my taxes or worse, going to the doctor.

I wonder if getting up and going somewhere soon after waking, like today, would help my mood. Most likely it would. I guess I could go get a coffee after morning meeting. I will consider that. If going that early feels too icky, I could go at lunch. I can easily justify spending $15/week on coffee if it helps me break the negative spiral I've been experiencing every day.

No promises about any of this, though. That will just give me something to add to my anxiety cycle - another thing I'm worried will be too overwhelming for me to succeed.

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Default Jan 22, 2022 at 11:30 PM
  #351
L,
It's unfair that you let your family dictate whether we wear masks or not. I get you don't want to get sick for your wedding. And I 100% agree with it. But I feel it's slightly hypocritical. I can't ask that all your guests wear masks, sit six feet apart, and have adequate air flow so that you don't get sick during/after your wedding which would affect our in-person sessions...

I love you. I don't expect you to change anything. I just want you to see things from my perspective.

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Default Jan 23, 2022 at 06:33 AM
  #352
Today is 11 months since my last session with my transference T. I ate an Aero bar this morning. When I think of her I just remember the video sessions mainly. I am forgetting a lot of stuff about her.

To be honest current T one of the reasons I wanted to do a remote session besides the fact I had to was because our remote sessions are intense and I don't bring up my transfereence T during video sessions.

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Default Jan 23, 2022 at 11:33 AM
  #353
Dear T,
Pretty stressed about the dishwasher thing, especially how H was handling it last night, with snapping at me and throwing things in anger (not at me, of course). He handled the recent minor sink leak so well, that I thought he was over that sort of tantruming over something not working. I briefly thought about emailing you, but realized I could manage it. At least he seems much more rational this morning.

I find it interesting that something like that, where you'd think it would lead to great anxiety on my part, I just sort of switch into "figure it out" mode, where I'm researching what repair might cost vs. getting a new one (we're going with that, as the one we have is really old anyway and is likely near the end of its lifespan, even if we fix this issue). Ordering some compostable disposable plates and utensils. Etc.

But then something seemingly minor can send me into a total panic. Maybe it's partly that if H is freaking out, then I automatically shift into rational mode? I don't know, but might be something to discuss. Especially as that can seem to come out with our parenting, too.

Hm, also, maybe the breathwork and yin yoga earlier in the day had just put me into a more calm mindset?

Love,
LT
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Default Jan 23, 2022 at 12:57 PM
  #354
Not good. Bad. Fml.

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Default Jan 23, 2022 at 02:19 PM
  #355
L,
I am NOT challenging you! Stop challenging me! I asked for empathy and understanding... There's a huge difference: you were exposed, I have never been. You are very social, I am not. You're having a party, I visit with limited family not very often.

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Default Jan 23, 2022 at 06:02 PM
  #356
I'm sick of all these empty promises. I was told 10 years ago that therapy and meds would make me better and I've been doing that for the past decade, yet here I am still wanting to die, only fatter and akathetic.

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Default Jan 23, 2022 at 06:18 PM
  #357
I am in a different kind of email limbo now. I actually sent the email we were talking about. I have no idea how this will pan out. We will talk about it either way, I feel.

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Default Jan 23, 2022 at 06:24 PM
  #358
I had a bad dream about my family member that recently died. In it, I realized I was dreaming and that he's dead. This is something that has happened with other people/pets that are gone. Usually it's actually kind of good. I don't actually believe in an afterlife, so it's not like I think they are visiting me in my dreams. But somehow it still feels therapeutic to be able to tell them that I miss them. To hug them again and just... I don't know, appreciate being with them knowing that it's only temporary. Hard to explain.

Anyway, this dream wasn't good. I started crying a little bit and told him I missed him. He got really cold and told me to stop it.

Ugh. Maybe it's because he didn't die of natural causes? Because I can't help but wonder if I could have made a difference? Because part of me is angry with him for being so careless? I am not angry at him for relapsing. That's something I can understand. I find it harder to get over him not taking any measures to mitigate risk. Not do it alone. Have some narcan just in case and someone to administer it. At the same time, I understand this may have been something completely impulsive, that he was so desperate that he was careless.

This was my first dream of him since he died. With others, I have dreamed of them multiple times. I hope that next time is different.

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Default Jan 23, 2022 at 09:37 PM
  #359
You heartless, duplicitous, biped.
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Default Jan 23, 2022 at 10:34 PM
  #360
L,
I know you have a life and a lot going on right now, but would you please think about me, check your emails, and respond?! I'm tired and can't stay up much longer waiting for a reply...

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