Not ready for these topics in therapy

Long story short... I'm now seeing a "new" therapist after my old one left way back in the end of July 2021 because she was an intern only there for a year. The transference was intense with her (my first therapeutic relationship...the transference was both maternal and erotic) and so I think it's safe to say her leaving has been traumatic for me. I have had a hard time through the process of transferring over. Not only am I seeing a new therapist. It's a man, which I'm not sure I'm totally comfortable with; but his schedule has also been so packed it's been hard to get my needs met for therapy. It's been really rough. The only reason I'm seeing him is because she personally recommended me to him since he was her supervisor.

Anyway, today I was really looking forward to going to my session, as there was a few weeks where I couldn't see him due to the holiday break and availability in his schedule. The holidays were so hard due to a lot of different factors but a lot of it had to do with my old therapist and the holidays. However, I ended up having a really rough session because my therapist was asking me questions that I wasn't ready to talk about yet. It was connected to the erotic transference so he was asking me personal questions about sexual things in my life and I'm not the person that can lie so I simply said I'm not ready to talk about it to all of his "sexual" questions. Due to what my answers were, I know he has to know what happened to me, and I'm really upset by this. It took me 5 months with my first therapist to talk about anything sexual and this just got brought up without me even wanting it to. I feel like things were revealed without me being ready and I don't know how I feel about this going forward now. I don't think I can leave the relationship because I told myself I'm done with therapy if it doesn't work out with him, but if I leave therapy, I think I will become so desperately sad that I will gravitate towards serious suicidal thoughts. So I'd just like to know if anyone can relate. It's been a really rough day. A really rough few months.... a really rough year.

I'm sorry you're going through such a tough time.

It's okay to want to take your time opening up about anything! You have a right to your privacy and boundaries.

I've been with L for almost 3 years, and tomorrow will be the first time I've ever talked to anyone about my sexuality. I've mentioned facts here and there to some people, but never actually discussed it. So good job to you for opening up after 5 months!

If you're up for it, I would talk to your T about how you felt. Maybe setting boundaries with him will help strengthen the relationship? If you're willing to try.

I second talking to him about how you felt about his questions if that's something you feel comfortable with. It's completely normal to not open up about all topics immediately. Maybe you two could agree on something like that if you don't want to discuss a topic and he asks questions, you would suggest to change topics, so he won't ask further related questions?

I can definitely relate to not wanting to discuss everything at first. There have been things I have only told my T after 5 years, and not minor ones. Sexuality especially can be uncomfortable for many people to talk about and I assume lots of people wait with that until they feel comfortable with the T, which might take a while. Sometimes, it sucks a bit that Ts might have a hunch about something - say that a certain kind of trauma occurred - and they will ask about it, so you're kind of put on the spot. Either you answer the question although you don't want to, or you say you don't want to talk about it, which is an admission of sorts either way. I think your T probably didn't mean to cross any boundaries, some people have trouble voicing something on their own and asking questions can help. But of course now he kind of knows, although he doesn't really know exact details, which is still uncomfortable. A good T will, however, respect that you're not ready and will wait for you to bring it up on your own after you've set your boundaries regarding it.

First, I get it. It can take me time to want to talk about certain topics with a therapist, even if I've talked about them in therapy before. So I completely understand your reluctance. I agree with the others that you should talk to him about it.

Also, I hate to say this, but if he was your former therapist's supervisor, there's a good chance he already knows quite a bit of information about you. As, being an intern, she likely would have had to fill him in on her cases (and from my understanding--having seen an intern myself once and based on how he explained it to me--intern therapists can use client names with their supervisors, though the supervisor also has to keep it confidential). So he may already know the answers. And he may incorrectly be assuming that because you talked about it once, you're willing to talk about it again.

It also could be that he's not the right fit for you. I do wonder if the fact that he's male could be affecting you here as well. I'm female (cis, heterosexual) and actually feel more comfortable talking to male than female therapists, but I know the opposite can often be true. And it can also just depend on the personality and style of the therapist rather than their gender or age. It could be worth checking into other therapists (you can often have a free 15-minute phone consultation) to see if there's someone else who could be a better fit if you don't feel comfortable with him. But it's definitely worth trying to talk to him about it first.

This new T seems to be pushing too hard, too fast. First he needs to establish trust and only then, provided you were willing, discuss whatever topic.

I am glad you clearly told him you didn't want to talk about it.

I would also tell him, if you meet up again, something to the effect that you were not comfortable and felt pushed to disclose when you were not ready and/or you need him to take things slowly - i.e. at YOUR pace. I am surprised he doesn't know that, being a supervisor and all.

Tell him to shut up and to stop being so nosy.

I don't think saying you aren't ready to talk about sex stuff with a man you barely know reveals much. I do agree with LT that he probably already knows the basic outline of whatever you're worried about revealing - probably not a ton of details, but a general idea. Assuming you discussed this with the intern therapist.

I have been with my therapist for almost 3 years and have not even touched that topic, she knows it will take time for me to feel safe enough to talk about things. I think your t needs to know that this is something you are not ready to talk about and to back off. If he cannot respect that then please find someone else who will respect and not pressure you.

I don't think I can leave the relationship because I told myself I'm done with therapy if it doesn't work out with him, but if I leave therapy, I think I will become so desperately sad that I will gravitate towards serious suicidal thoughts.

You are entirely free to rethink this kind of unhelpful promise to yourself. This is like locking yourself into a prison cell to which you hold the key but refuse to use it and then lamenting that you’re a prisoner.

It might be helpful to consider the likelihood that there are other therapists out there who are better for you.

I really agree with what you said about answering vs not. Looking back, I wish I would've just stayed completely silent after his questions so that would give him the least information without lying.

I think he is respectful of my boundaries because he did not pressure me to answer at all after I said I was not comfortable talking about whatever it was he asked. I don't think he knows I'm super fragile around that topic. After my avoidant answers (trying to give the least away without lying), he said he wouldn't be surprised if I would have something erotic in my past. This just tore me apart because I was NOT ready for him to know and I am 99% sure he does know this detail about me from what he said. It makes me very upset because I just wasn't ready, but it wasn't really his fault entirely.

I am really unsure if he knows this about me or not from my old therapist. Before I started seeing him, I assumed he knew so much about me, but when I asked him what she revealed to him, he really didn't have much to say (and he does pride himself on being very open with the truth) so I really have no idea if this specific detail got brought up or not. It's hard to believe anything when you don't trust anyone.

As far as being the right fit... it's extremely complicated for me. I could write paragraphs about the topic in my situation. I talked about this with my old therapist before she left and we both thought it would probably be beneficial for me to see a male because of certain reasons. Like I said, I could type forever the reasons of staying or going with this therapist, but it's SO complicated.

I think I do plan on telling him how I was affected when I see him next week. That is what everyone is saying I should do, and I agree. I think just with the flow of conversation, it wasn't entirely his fault. I'm okayish talking about the erotic transference (but not in specific details) but I think he then assumed it was ok to ask questions about sexual things in my past, and I'm definitely not. It was just a blurred line for my boundary.

I agree that your comparison is probably relevant and true. The reason I say this is that there's been so much pain involved in trying for these relationships, it's becoming more and more difficult to risk trying. With every "cutoff" in the relationship, the suicidal thoughts are more appealing because they don't seem as painful. I hope you can understand they just come from a place of extreme hopelessness.

I do understand and I definitely didn’t mean to be glib.

The part I don’t get is that, unless I’ve misunderstood, this is quite a new relationship, right? So you don’t need to be all-in commitment-wise? You could be trying him out? Yeah it sucks to interview new Ts and yeah your previous T thought you and he would be a good fit. But is that enough to land him the job?

If he’s not a good fit, its not a cutoff, its that you interviewed a candidate who turned out to be wrong for the job. Or, you know, you terminated him during his probationary period. Whatever.

You’re not at all wrong or defective here. Finding a good match can be very hard.

That said, maybe he’s a great match and you just need to discuss what didn’t go well. I’m just flinching a bit at your sense of being so wedded to this one dude.

There are a few reasons I am hoping it works out with him in particular, which are a little personal, but it's not even so much that I'm determined to make it work with him. The relationship is newish... we've had sessions together since November so it's not like I've only seen him a couple of times. It's just that we haven't been seeing each other consistently with his schedule (which makes the situation even more complicated for me).

What I'm tired of is trying to find safety in people and it either working out great but then they leave, or really not knowing if I need to give it more time or it's not working out. I'm at the latter right now with him and it's emotionally exhausting to have to find someone else, wait even longer possibly to see someone. There is just a lot of unknowns right now for me and I can see it going either way with it working out with him or not.