[ScarletPimpernel]

L wrote this to me today:

Knowing that answering is confusing or harmful, yet not answering could also be distressing to you and maybe unhelpful or distracting.

I asked her a question about her opinion on the secret. This quote was about her anxiety about answering the question.

To me it sounds like she is not just assuming, but thinks she "knows" how I will react to her answer. I don't feel it's right for her to assume something like that.

I'm wondering how you would feel if your T started assuming things about you and making judgment calls for you.

[atisketatasket]

My therapists assume things about me all the time and it drives me nuts.

I don’t know L, but based on what you quoted she doesn’t seem to be assuming to me. Putting quotes around “knowing” and “is” suggest to me that she’s saying in fact she doesn’t know for sure, i.e., she’s not assuming, hence the quotes. At least that’s what those quotes would mean if I used them like that. The whole sentence seems to indicate uncertainty to me, not assumption.

But maybe I’m misreading since I don’t know the context.

[ScarletPimpernel]

I apologize. I put the quotes on those words, not her. I'll try to take them off...

[atisketatasket]

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

I apologize. I put the quotes on those words, not her.

Oh, okay, thanks for clarifying. Well, then, it would bother me if a therapist thought they knew something about me for sure. Especially if they were wrong.

But in that case, a lot would depend on whether they’re willing to adjust their assumptions or get rid of them or whether they cling to them like a life raft and refuse to let go.

[unaluna]

This sounds to me like what artie has been going thru with her t? Its not what the t thinks or says that matters - its what WE say TO OURSELVES - can we face THAT? What does it mean to US?

[ScarletPimpernel]

Originally Posted by unaluna

This sounds to me like what artie has been going thru with her t? Its not what the t thinks or says that matters - its what WE say TO OURSELVES - can we face THAT? What does it mean to US?

Right now, my issue isn't whether she will or won't answer the question. My issue is that she's assuming she knows how I'll react if she did share her answer.

I feel it's her right to answer or not, but it's my right to feel however I feel in either of those situations. And I might not be hurt or confused. I might be one or the other, both, or even none! Maybe I'll feel relief and understood? I don't know, so how can she know?

And anyways, our first rule in our relationship is 100% honesty. Whatever she feels or I feel, we should be honest with eachother. And we always say that we use the bricks thrown at us to build our castle. And our foundation is honesty, our history, and our commitments and agreements.

[ScarletPimpernel]

I'm just really upset. I can't sleep. For the first time (I think), I feel judged by her. She's projecting her fears onto me. It's my right to feel whatever it is that I feel! She can have her thoughts and feelings too. She can be anxious and worried. I'm not trying to take that away from her. I jist want the respect and confidence that "we" can handle this.

[NP_Complete]

Maybe this is something best handled in session and not over email.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Originally Posted by NP_Complete

Maybe this is something best handled in session and not over email.

Agreed. I've asked her for a phone call before Tuesday's session, to start processing asap.

[Rive.]

My T makes assumptions about me.. Frankly, I make assumptions about my T as well.

Humans in general make assumptions about one another all the time. It is painful when it is T as they should 'know' us. But they are human. I would set the record straight if you feel T got you 'wrong' and I would tell her so.

[ElectricManatee]

At the core of her statement is care and concern for you, which might be a good thing to try to hold onto. That said, she could very well be wrong. Sometimes my T isn't able to immediately recognize the ways I have grown and she worries I'll react strongly to something when I have developed the ability to hear certain things with more equanimity. When she makes false assumptions like that, I tell her how I feel and she usually has the good sense to listen and incorporate that going forward. I think this is likely how things will go when you get the chance to talk about it in session. You can work through it with her.

I would also encourage you to think about how you're doing and maybe slow down a little if this current bit of therapy work is stressing you out a lot or putting a strain on how you feel about L and the therapeutic relationship. You can go whatever pace you need to in order to stay stable and connected. That regulation (or even asking L to help with that regulation) can be part of good self care.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Originally Posted by ElectricManatee

At the core of her statement is care and concern for you, which might be a good thing to try to hold onto. That said, she could very well be wrong. Sometimes my T isn't able to immediately recognize the ways I have grown and she worries I'll react strongly to something when I have developed the ability to hear certain things with more equanimity. When she makes false assumptions like that, I tell her how I feel and she usually has the good sense to listen and incorporate that going forward. I think this is likely how things will go when you get the chance to talk about it in session. You can work through it with her.

I would also encourage you to think about how you're doing and maybe slow down a little if this current bit of therapy work is stressing you out a lot or putting a strain on how you feel about L and the therapeutic relationship. You can go whatever pace you need to in order to stay stable and connected. That regulation (or even asking L to help with that regulation) can be part of good self care.

Yes. When emailing L my feelings last night, I realized that I need to do what I'm asking her to do. I need to hold onto her core-self and to our history. She did write that out of care and concern; not meanness or malice. She's looking out for me and trying to protect me. While I disagree with her and her words hurt, her intentions were good.

You're also right: I might be taking things to quickly. I had a lot of good energy to put into this, but after yesterday's comment and my energy being redirected, maybe it's time to slow down the revealing of sensitive and tender information and start processing all that's been said. Processing will help me go at a better speed for both me and her I think.

[susannahsays]

I understand where you're coming from. Yet I can't help but wonder if her assumption is reasonable given how sensitive this topic is for you. Without knowing what her opinion is, I'm not sure it makes sense to make the assumption on your side that she's out of line.

While I allow that assumptions can make an *** of you and I, I also think assumptions are a normal and necessary part of interacting with people - if you generally wish to avoid being offensive. We all have opinions that we can reasonably assume would cause harm. For example, my therapist can assume that telling me she thinks I deserved to be physically abused by my parent would be at best unhelpful and probably harmful.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Originally Posted by susannahsays

I understand where you're coming from. Yet I can't help but wonder if her assumption is reasonable given how sensitive this topic is for you. Without knowing what her opinion is, I'm not sure it makes sense to make the assumption on your side that she's out of line.

While I allow that assumptions can make an *** of you and I, I also think assumptions are a normal and necessary part of interacting with people - if you generally wish to avoid being offensive. We all have opinions that we can reasonably assume would cause harm. For example, my therapist can assume that telling me she thinks I deserved to be physically abused by my parent would be at best unhelpful and probably harmful.

Her assumptions could be reasonable. I might feel confused or hurt. I doubt it would do serious harm though. I just feel that honesty and transparency is first and foremost, AND I should feel free to feel whatever it is that I feel.

You are right: we make judgments and assumptions everyday to protect ourselves or others from harm. It's a natural and can be a healthy thing that all animals do. For me, I feel like my situation is more about trust: trust in me and our relationship, that we have the skills to deal with whatever lies ahead.

[susannahsays]

I understand your POV. The only other thing I will say is that I personally don't see her not being honest here. Lots of therapists, I suspect most in fact, have a tendency to say whatever they think the client wants to hear or what they believe they should say as a therapist (which may not resemble the truth at all). In that way, I think declining to answer a question is being very honest - as it is often more comfortable to give the answer someone wants (or you think they want). No, she isn't being transparent in terms of her opinion, that is true. She is being transparent in her thought process though.

I guess what I'm saying is that it's possible to interpret her disclosure as a sign of trust rather than only a sign that she thinks you can't handle her opinion. I can only speak for myself, but if I don't trust someone, but need to maintain the relationship for some reason, I'm probably going to fib/lie rather than go down the road your therapist has. It isn't worth it to me to tell them that I'm not comfortable answering, thereby opening myself up to further discussion. Refusing to answer in itself feels vulnerable, and all the more so if I disclose why. Just another way to look at the situation.

[comrademoomoo]

Maybe this offers you the opportunity to explore how you can tolerate someone not being 100% transparent. She is withholding something from you (albeit with your best interest in mind) and in so doing she is implicitly, and possibly unconsciously, demonstrating that she is separate from you. She is not completely accessible to you. I imagine that opens up some attachment wound for you.

As I read your posts, I was reminded of my unpleasant but persistent desire to control my therapist. Expecting complete honesty, and being threatened by anything less than that, feels like a need to control aspects of the relationship. A kind of panic. I say this without any judgement. The threat of dishonesty (or even the perception of such a threat) is very hard to navigate when trust is paramount.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Originally Posted by susannahsays

I understand your POV. The only other thing I will say is that I personally don't see her not being honest here. Lots of therapists, I suspect most in fact, have a tendency to say whatever they think the client wants to hear or what they believe they should say as a therapist (which may not resemble the truth at all). In that way, I think declining to answer a question is being very honest - as it is often more comfortable to give the answer someone wants (or you think they want). No, she isn't being transparent in terms of her opinion, that is true. She is being transparent in her thought process though.

I guess what I'm saying is that it's possible to interpret her disclosure as a sign of trust rather than only a sign that she thinks you can't handle her opinion. I can only speak for myself, but if I don't trust someone, but need to maintain the relationship for some reason, I'm probably going to fib/lie rather than go down the road your therapist has. It isn't worth it to me to tell them that I'm not comfortable answering, thereby opening myself up to further discussion. Refusing to answer in itself feels vulnerable, and all the more so if I disclose why. Just another way to look at the situation.

Oh, I think she's being honest. Very honest. All I meant by saying honesty first and foremost is that it's our rule, something we depend upon. Probably in a typical relationship, 100% honesty isn't something you can't expect (I don't know anything about "typical" relationships!). In my relationships I am as honest as I possibly can be, however, I'm not very open with them.

As far as transparency: yes, L is being very transparent about her thought process and feelings. I appreciate it so much. And, after some thought and communication with her, I believe she just doesn't have an answer yet. She said she wants to do more talking with me and more thinking on her own. She says right now her answer would be "I don't know". So I guess she is being transparent in that regard too.

My main issue was telling me how I would feel by her answering the question. She apologized and said she actually wrote that by mistake. She meant "could" be confusing or harmful. Because of our agreement to honesty, I believe her.

I have a phone call scheduled with her this afternoon. I think she's focused on the why she doesn't have an answer yet. But I think I'm okay with the ambiguity for right now.

I've been trying real hard to practice my wise-mind and emotional regulation through this. I've been trying to be accepting to other's perspectives. It's hard for me, but I hope you all see I'm trying.

[susannahsays]

I can definitely see you are trying. And I know it's hard. I would also have a hard time with this, although for different reasons (I have a problem with wanting to control the therapist and make her conform to my expectations or beliefs. Actually, I kind of have that problem just in general...).

[comrademoomoo]

Just as a side comment, it doesn't even matter if you aren't trying hard, Scarlet! Sometimes I put in zero effort to my responses and reactions! This stuff is really hard and it's fine to not put in your best effort all the time. We are imperfect creatures. In my therapy, I let out the foul little creature who resides in my dark heart ... and my therapist loves me (of a kind) despite this. You don't need to be best girl.

[LonesomeTonight]

First, I hope your phone call goes well!

Are you partly struggling with the fact that she doesn't have an answer yet? This is a completely different situation. But it makes me think of a few years ago, when, at the end of a session, I had said something to Dr. T about his wanting to say "I care about you." And he said he was willing to say "I care about your well-being," but not so sure about saying that. And I called him (the only time I did that, actually--always email or text) and left this weepy voicemail about wanting him to say "I care about you."

He texted in reply, saying he wasn't so sure why those specific words were so important to me. He offered me an earlier session, including one the next day, but said he wasn't sure if he'd have enough time to think about it before that. I think I ended up taking that session anyway. But it bothered me that he had to put so much thought into it--like, in my mind, either he cared about *me* vs. just my well-being, or he didn't. And if he had to think about it, it suggested that he didn't care about me (he wanted to choose his words carefully). Things are very different with him now--I still don't think he would say those actual words, but he's explained why--personal vs. professional life and also not related to the amount of care--and I get it and accept it.

But anyway, that was a long story just to say that I understand how it can be difficult if someone is unsure how to answer something and needs to think about it. In this case, I think L is just trying to be really careful and not just say the first thing that comes to her mind, because she knows how important this is for you (as opposed to how Dr. T was at the time, which was more along the lines of holding boundaries).