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View Poll Results: Would you tell your T your sexual fantasies?
I would tell my T 7 33.33%
I would tell my T
7 33.33%
I have told my T 1 4.76%
I have told my T
1 4.76%
Nope! I would not and have not. 7 33.33%
Nope! I would not and have not.
7 33.33%
Other (Please explain) 6 28.57%
Other (Please explain)
6 28.57%
Voters: 21. You may not vote on this poll

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ScarletPimpernel
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Default Jan 18, 2022 at 04:31 PM
  #1
L and I are talking about my sexuality (among other things). She was saying a future step could be discussing fantasies in detail and teasing them apart to find what what the positives are. Would you tell your T fantasies? The details? Have you?

My heart was racing thinking about introducing her to the private things in my head. However, I am tempted to in the future. I want help processing my sexuality, understanding it, and accepting it. I'd also like help with the fantasies (I have this ingrained idea that you should only have sexual thoughts about your current partner...probably from my days in church). So either accepting these fantasies that are outside my relationship or changing these thoughts to others that I could be more accepting of.

Would you do this? Have you done this?

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Default Jan 18, 2022 at 04:37 PM
  #2
I only discussed sexual issues as they pertained to either history or present - more factually than fantasy. But I'm a rather left-brained, concrete sort of thinker - I'm honestly not much of a fantasizer about things. That's probably why it was not something we discussed - wouldn't have been particularly productive. Kind of the same reason we did almost no dream work - I almost never remember dreams and I have very little interest in doing so.

I think if this is something that would be helpful to you, then go for it.
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Default Jan 18, 2022 at 04:50 PM
  #3
I would not bother unless it was somehow relevant to why I was hiring a therapist.

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Default Jan 18, 2022 at 04:53 PM
  #4
No, I wouldn't. Though, I'm asexual and don't have very many sexual fantasies that I can think of. It's not related to why I am in therapy anyway and therefore is none of her business. I would probably even be offended by such a suggestion from my T.

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Default Jan 18, 2022 at 05:01 PM
  #5
I would find this very intrusive. I might talk about the nature of my fantasies or my sexuality in general, but the details of my fantasies or experiences are no one else's business. I definitely wouldn't respond well to her suggesting such a thing; if I were ever to share details, the idea of this would have to be wholly initiated by me. I need control. I feel threatened by her having access to all parts of me.
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Default Jan 18, 2022 at 05:11 PM
  #6
I said that I have told my T, but only a certain one that is actually somewhat tied to a phobia I have. It's something over which I feel shame, so being able to share it and feel that I was still accepted by him was helpful to me. That he didn't think I was disgusting. I had also told ex-T and ex-MC about it and was accepted (it did lead to a very funny exchange with ex-T that I won't go into here, and it helped to be able to joke about it--actually, my current T, Dr. T, and I have joked about it. I know it might sound like a negative thing to joke, but it can help me see that someone is OK with it rather than horrified).


I guess I've shared a few sexual dreams with him as well that were unrelated to that. However, I'm not sure I'd want to tell him details of other sexual fantasies. I guess maybe if I felt they were holding me back in some way, like if they were leading to shame. Or if was something I wanted to tell H about, but was afraid to, and he could maybe help me figure out how to tell him (nothing fits in that category right now though).
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Default Jan 18, 2022 at 06:44 PM
  #7
Other. I have told her sexual fantasies, but no in the typical sense. They are fantasies but not things I actually enjoy sexually. I want them to happen but it has nothing to do with physical pleasure but rather punishing myself and "reenacting abuse" as she likes to say. I probably wouldn't have told her these fantasies if not for the fact that I have made them happen in the past and recklessly endangered myself.

Personally, I don't feel the need to tell her about fantasies unless I act on them and they are a problem that I need help sorting out.

If I did want to talk about this, I would probably consult with a more sex-positive therapist. She is more of a sex-negative and everything is a reenactment of abuse type of therapist. Which is fine when that take is accurate, but not so helpful otherwise.

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Default Jan 18, 2022 at 09:12 PM
  #8
By fantasies, I mean good or bad ones.

For me, I feel all my fantasies are bad. Some are acceptable by many, some not.

L is very sex-positive. And she's very comfortable about all aspects of sex.

I do want to work on this. It's one of the aspects of my life that really bothers me. If I can learn to accept myself and my past, it could bring so much relief.

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Default Jan 18, 2022 at 09:55 PM
  #9
I never saw any need to discuss my fantasies with a therapist or anyone else for that matter. Maybe if my sex life or fantasies bothered me or caused some kind of turmoil I would, but otherwise I see no need. If this aspect of your life effects you negatively, then certainly it might be a good idea to share and see if you can find peace
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Default Jan 19, 2022 at 02:02 AM
  #10
No, as they were not relevant in my therapy or a bothering subject or a problem to me. If they are and you want to share them with a T, then why not.
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Default Jan 19, 2022 at 02:40 AM
  #11
I said that I would, even though I haven't, because pretty much any topic is something to explore if it's on my mind and seems important. For whatever reason, my sexuality is one of the few aspects of my life that doesn't trigger toxic shame. And for what it's worth, I don't think there is anything wrong with fantasizing about somebody besides one's spouse. You are not defined by your thoughts, including your sexual thoughts. Thoughts and actions are very different things.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel View Post
I do want to work on this. It's one of the aspects of my life that really bothers me. If I can learn to accept myself and my past, it could bring so much relief.
That seems like a good reason to discuss it!
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Default Jan 19, 2022 at 03:34 AM
  #12
I think at some point I will, so I said I would. It's relevant to my worst issue, so it makes sense to discuss it with T. Currently though, I am not comfortable with discussing it and I don't think we need to discuss it anytime soon. First of all, we must have a stable working relationship, meaning I need him to commit to therapy long-term, before I'll consider going there.

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Default Jan 19, 2022 at 05:35 AM
  #13
I said other because it's not clear cut for me. I HAVE shared certain aspects, mainly in connection with sexuality (I consider myself heterosexual in life but have some lesbian fantasies), but not in any detail at all, only that I've sometimes watched videos of lesbian stuff. The other issue for me is that I'm attracted to my T and thoughts of her sometimes pop into my mind, but I feel totally unable to share that and honestly don't think I could. Like Stopdog indicated, I think I'd have to assess whether it would be helpful to share or just make things more complicated.
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Default Jan 19, 2022 at 07:09 AM
  #14
The topic is not relevant to my therapy. So if T were to ask me what yours did, it would feel intrusive and frankly, voyeuristic.

However, reading your post, it seems this is something you would like to work on, are grappling with and/or would like to explore. In that case, it might be uncomfortable but I would. Bringing things out to the light tends to decrease their impact, normalise or be helpful in some way...
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Default Jan 19, 2022 at 09:21 AM
  #15
Quote:
Originally Posted by ElectricManatee View Post
... And for what it's worth, I don't think there is anything wrong with fantasizing about somebody besides one's spouse. You are not defined by your thoughts, including your sexual thoughts. Thoughts and actions are very different things.
My T has said similar, in regard to sexual fantasies, how we can't control our thoughts.
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Default Jan 20, 2022 at 07:57 AM
  #16
I haven’t talked much about my sexual fantasies with a therapist but I would if I felt disturbed by them or if it seemed like an important topic for some other reason.
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Default Jan 21, 2022 at 05:28 AM
  #17
If it were something that is important to me, I'd do it when I felt comfortable. I don't have specific issues regarding sexual fantasies, but other "fantasies" such as suicidal ideation and sometimes we talk about the details of such thoughts. At the very least, it has helped me to not feel so alone with those thoughts, kind of like having a reminder of my T when I'm alone and think about similar stuff.
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Default Jan 21, 2022 at 01:12 PM
  #18
I think I will eventually, I think they're really important but the idea of telling them makes me want to throw up.

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