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LostOnTheTrail
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Default Jan 20, 2022 at 08:55 AM
  #1
Hi, all.

Does anybody else find they struggle to express what it is they really want to say at the beginning of a therapy session?

I'd been building up to today's session for six months, as I wrote a letter to my friend following his death in June. I wanted to wait until we were able to resume working in person to address it.

I spent half of the session talking about my reasoning, rather than actually picking the letter apart. I wanted to read it aloud, but chickened out very early on.

I am trying to remind myself that it's OK if this was more the beginning of a conversation.

Am I alone in struggling with this? If you do too, how have you managed to work on it?

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Default Jan 20, 2022 at 09:04 AM
  #2
No, you're not alone. I really have a problem with avoidance. If my therapist doesn't actively engage in unearthing what I'm thinking about, it's likely that I will hem and haw and get nowhere. Or find myself talking about random stuff that isn't a good use of therapy time.

I haven't really done much about it tbh. It sometimes helps if I text her or tell her at the end of session that we need to talk about something next session so that I don't have to rely on myself to bring it up. But that doesn't necessarily help me "get to the point."

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Default Jan 20, 2022 at 09:12 AM
  #3
"Talking about random stuff that isn't a good use of therapy time..." is another one of my tactics.

I'm kind of wondering whether adjusting to being back in person might be part of the equation. I had a really strong feeling that this couldn't wait much longer...but now I'm second-guessing myself.

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'Somewhere up above the great divide
Where the sky is wide, and the clouds are few
A man can see his way clear to the light
Just hold on tight, that's all you gotta do...'

Steve Earle - Fort Worth Blues

'You have all the grace you need for today, and today is all that matters.' - Steve Austin
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Default Jan 20, 2022 at 09:26 AM
  #4
Personally, I do better with this in-person. Mostly because she can see me better and apparently my body language gives stuff away. For example, I always find myself looking at her bookshelf which is the opposite direction to her and sitting as far away as possible when I need to talk about a certain subject. For some reason, I find it much easier to actually look at her face and make eye contact remotely. I rarely did that in person.

Unfortunately, I moved a few hours away from her, so in person isn't really practical anymore.

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Default Jan 20, 2022 at 09:38 AM
  #5
Eye contact has never been easy for me. My previous therapist lost that within the first ten minutes of me crossing the threshold.


I think I was better at making eye contact with R remotely, but that was the only way I could feel that she was present.

It's almost as if she's meeting with two different versions of me. When we worked remotely, I couldn't argue with the feelings that needed to be expressed.

Prior to working remotely, I was very emotionally honest in session. I suppose it's just a matter of time to get that back. I'm sorry you aren't able to see your therapist in person.

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'Somewhere up above the great divide
Where the sky is wide, and the clouds are few
A man can see his way clear to the light
Just hold on tight, that's all you gotta do...'

Steve Earle - Fort Worth Blues

'You have all the grace you need for today, and today is all that matters.' - Steve Austin
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Default Jan 20, 2022 at 10:01 AM
  #6
I have trouble getting to the point at times, too, especially if it's something I'm anxious about discussing, such as about the therapeutic relationship. So then sometimes I end up talking about other stuff, notice that there's only 20 minutes (or sometimes only 10 or fewer) left, then suddenly bring it up. Which often doesn't tend to work out so well, as they're generally topics that need more time than that.

I've occasionally done what Susannah mentioned, with emailing my T before the session to say "I want to talk about x tomorrow. Please help me bring it up." Or something like that. Which has helped the few times I did that, because then he'll say early on, "So you wan to talk about x?" I also sometimes will start talking about something in a session and say, "I don't want to spend the whole time on this" or "I have a few things to discuss today." That also helps, as he'll usually prompt me partway through with something like, "You said you had another topic for today?"

I often will have notes on what I want to talk about, but that still doesn't tend to help me get to the main topic. So very recently, I've started sharing those notes with him, with an asterisk (or two) next to more important topics and "quick" or "brief" after a couple others (to make sure we don't spend that much time on them). It's been helping so far. We're meeting remotely, so I've been texting him the list at the start of session. Then we can both refer to it. In person, you could presumably hand the list to your T.

So maybe try one of those things? I suspect, like you said, how it could be related to your getting used to in-person sessions again. Or maybe you still aren't quite ready to discuss it? Have you told your T that you're having difficulty getting there? Maybe she could help some.
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Default Jan 20, 2022 at 10:09 AM
  #7
Thanks, LT.

Those are all good points. I think this feels like a big deal because it is. R is open to email, so I can send notes ahead of time. I'm simultaneously surprised that I actually managed to begin the conversation, and yet it didn't quite feel like enough...maybe because of the 'wasted time' at the beginning.

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'Somewhere up above the great divide
Where the sky is wide, and the clouds are few
A man can see his way clear to the light
Just hold on tight, that's all you gotta do...'

Steve Earle - Fort Worth Blues

'You have all the grace you need for today, and today is all that matters.' - Steve Austin
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Default Jan 20, 2022 at 02:02 PM
  #8
HUGS Lost. This happens to me a lot too.

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Default Jan 21, 2022 at 02:50 AM
  #9
Hugs Lost. Yes, I do this some with Awesome T... did it today. It is almost the entire experience with art T. Try to be gentle with yourself. It will come.

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Default Jan 25, 2022 at 10:03 AM
  #10
Yes. This. Definitely.

If I don't pre-prepare T with a written heads-up before the session, I'm likely to waffle on about everything except the thing I really want to talk about, or skate over what's really important and leave the session knowing that I didn't go into as much detail as I needed to and kicking myself for it.

New-T is a great one for saying 'it has to be at a time that's right for you' and won't push me on anything. Unfortunately on some topics it's never going to be the right time, so I need her to push me.

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Default Jan 25, 2022 at 11:31 AM
  #11
I tend to bring in the most important issues later in the session. Not sure why but it takes a while for me to build up. Maybe I need time to gauge how I am, how T is, and the whole feel of the session, before I talk about trickier issues, but of course that can backfire when I panic and realise there's only 20 minutes or so left.
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