What are red flags in therapy?

Hi, some of you might remember me, I was out of the forum for some time. I know this issue was discussed a million of times, but I would be happy to hear your opinion.

I'm in therapy with the same therapist for 6 years, but I worry that my therapy became unhealthy in some aspects. I'm female, he's male, 10 years older than me, if it matters.

We occasionally hug, but it's okay, let's say... Somehow he blew me a kiss at the end of the session, it was a little weird, but also acceptable.

Once he congratulated me on my birthday using a flower emoji and a smile in one of the social networks, although we do not have any contact outside the sessions. We do not text etc.

He is subscribed to my public blog and also subscribed to my instagram, despite the fact that I have a private account.

Several times he told me very personal things with the proviso that he did not tell anyone or almost anyone about it. He has shared some personal experiences, that he had a fight with his wife, for example.

He has also said that I was the best client, that he did not want to lose me, once he has said that he loved me (it was occasionally, like "I respect you and love you, but... (something I don't remember)".

He has commented on my appearance that, like, I lost weight or, on the contrary, gained weight, that I have acne (thank you, I know), that I have an attractive smile (!). Yes, there were a hell of a lot of things that should not be in professional relationships (I think).

I don't know what to do. I'm attached to him (let's be honest) and don't want to lose him, but I doubt he is helpful for now. I know, I should discuss my worries with him, but I'm too chicken to do it, because I'm afraid he'd terminate with me immediately.

Am I overthinking, or are there really some red flags?

I think most here would agree that my relationship with my T really pushes what is and is not OK between a T and a client. So… IMO….
YES these would be red flags for me even though my T and I do some of them but there are several that T would never do!
There is another big difference too… it seems like with your question you are OK with some of them, iffy on others and maybe not OK on some. If I was uncomfortable or questioning anything with my T it would absolutely stop until we worked out what I am comfortable with.

Yes, you are attached. I would guess that you have a background where your boundaries either were ignored or intentionally violated. So having your boundaries ignored might be far more comfortable than the risk of telling T how they make you feel. It would also make it far more comfortable (familiar) to stay than to change Ts and venture into the unknown.

Trust yourself. You are asking the question for a reason.

I guess they can be red flags to some? If they are to you, then they are. You have a right to your boundaries and if you feel they've been crossed, then they have been.

L and I would do all of those things except tell me I'm her favorite or follow me in any social media. She does read my threads on here, but only if I share them with her. Then again, both L and I are both female.

I understand you're attached, however if these things bother you, you should definitely bring them up. If he's a good T, he'll welcome the discussion of boundaries. I know it will be hard. Maybe somehow take baby steps to test the waters?

I don't see any of those things are particularly red flaggy to me -- not in a "this therapist is completely unethical" kind of sense. But that's TO ME. They apparently bother you, so you have to decide if they are problems for you in your own therapy.

I honed in on your statement, "I doubt he is helpful for now." Sounds more like, to me, that you are doubting you are getting much help anymore from this therapist, and are really looking for justifications to end therapy with him.

The reality is, if you don't think the therapist is working for you any longer, you have the complete control to search out a different therapist for yourself, and you probably should do so.

Sometimes we just reach a point with a therapist that it is time to move on. Fresh eyes. That's okay to do, and often is a very smart move.

Hi, captgut!

I remember you

I think some parts of this depend on the country/background. For example I read a lot on here about therapists and clients hugging. That would in my opinion be highly out of order in my country, but if it's the US, I could see it more. That's just from my experience.

I do think that it can be normal for a T to share some personal things over time, if you've seen somebody for 10 years, it would be hard to imagine how not a single time something on their side came up. In those cases, it should be more of an "explanation" though, usually. Like "I had a fight with my wife, so maybe I'm a bit distracted" and not "man, my wife is so annoying sometimes, she just told me to do the dishes before our session!".

I think to me, the part about being on your instagram and posting on social media would be weird. Also, from what I remember from a few years ago, you do struggle with both attachment and your looks, do I remember that right? I'd say especially in that case, the comments regarding how he's attached to you and also about your appearance would be inappropriate or at the very least misguided.

You've been with this T for a while, most of these things sound like they might happen after a while in a relationship, and some of them can be bothersome. I don't think your T is immediately a "dangerous"/bad person because of that, but I think it would be helpful to discuss it with him. After all, therapy is about you and if you feel uncomfortable with some of this, it's fine to say so. I know termination right after that sounds scary, but I don't think it's the likely outcome. And if it were, I think you would be much better off with somebody else in the long run, a lot of growth happens when you can discuss your boundaries with somebody and establish them, to punish that by termination would mean the therapy wasn't too good to begin with probably.

I think it makes sense that you're having doubts about him. To me, it sounds like he is meeting some sort of social need through you. That he's making disclosures because they make him feel good without regard to you. I don't think that's very healthy.

It makes me uneasy that he has told you things that, allegedly, no one or very few people know. The insinuation is that there's a secret that you aren't to tell others that's just between you. And that he has told you that you're his favorite, etc. I don't think a therapist acknowledging a preference like that is in the client's best interests.

Commenting on your weight and acne seems manipulative and passive aggressive to me. I can't think of any context where those observations would be helpful to you. Who does he think he is that he thinks it's appropriate to comment on your appearance? That seems like a huge presumption to me, one that is more likely to be harmful than helpful.

Do you think he has helped you make progress on your goals in the six years you've been seeing him?

ETA - FWIW, I don't know if I'd talk with him about his behavior. I think all too often, clients do this and get manipulated into ignoring their own concerns. I'd keep my own counsel and decide what to do without his input.

I think the important thing here is that his actions are making you uncomfortable. If your therapist says or does something that makes you uncomfortable, you should absolutely tell him that. Even if he's not doing something objectively "wrong" it's important to explore why his actions affect you this way. I don't think you can make much progress in therapy if you don't feel comfortable with the therapist.

I see you're worried that he'll terminate therapy if you bring things up, but if your choice is between termination and therapy with a guy who makes you uncomfortable and can't handle talking about it, you are better off terminating.

I am seeing a lot of red flags. He is blurring boundaries, creating confusion and a level of intimacy that is inappropriate. That is not ethical and he is not being professional. Plus, there is not just *one* thing but an accumulation of red flags.

There are basic standards of practice that your T is not respecting: blowing you a kiss?! He is crossing the line by blurring boundaries - he is not a friend or a relative or a lover. Would it be acceptable for a teacher to blow a kiss to their student?? Would it be okay for your mechanic to blow you a kiss?

Friending clients on social media is another ethical big no, no.

Telling you are "I was the best client, that he did not want to lose me" is highly inappropriate. How is that therapeutic?! That comment is self-serving and frankly creepy. He is not serving the client's needs but his own. Even if the client feels they have grown and want to leave, here is the jilted T crying "Please don't leave me"?! Likewise re commenting on your physical appearance. It is like he is grooming you.

There are many grounds for malpractice in there.

I think ChickenNoodleSoup raises a good point saying that it may depend on culture/background. I for one would find a lot of what you have written about uncomfortable and unhelpful. I'd talk to him though, and keep your own council on top of that. Maybe you can write some things down, like lines you will not let him cross and if he crosses them, you can terminate him.

I agree with some of the others in that I don't think he'd terminate you for bringing it up, unless perhaps you did so in a threatening way.

I felt like I should clarify my POV a bit re not bringing this up with your therapist.

I don't think it makes sense to confront a therapist about their unethical behavior and expect them to be ethical in their response.

Therapists, like everyone else, can be defensive. The behavior in this case might not be the very worst, but nonetheless flagrantly violates the rules of ethics therapists claim are so important. The usual defense therapists use to defend themselves against such charges are to distract attention away from themselves and to try to discredit the client.

I think of it like this. Would I make a meeting to let my surgeon know they botched my surgery? Would sitting down with them and talking about it make sense? I don't think so. If I wasn't certain of my belief that the surgery was botched, I could consult with 3rd parties. I certainly wouldn't book another surgery with the same surgeon to allow them a chance to prove they aren't completely incompetent.

Not everything needs to be talked through.

If you feel you must include him, I advise that you communicate your concerns in written form outside of session. I know I do much better with criticism, deserved or not, when it is not provided "live." I prefer a chance to overcome any initial impulse to react defensively or shift blame - an impulse which is unfortunately all too common among people in general. And therapists are just people.

That would make me super uncomfortable. When therapists overshare it creeps me out. I feel like the client doesn't need to know that much about the therapist. Unless its trival things. And Especially when it is not related to stuff. The therapist I had before I moved told me she suffered from a mental illness for a bit that did not relate to anything I was going through. She also admitted that I had an annoying personailty but I didn't really mind her saying these things to me since I just wanted to please her. With my current therapist I don't really notice any legit red flags except for a few odd comments that I just chalk up to maybe being a bit naieve and inexpirenced.

It's a guy and you are not. Hence, to me all these things are red flags.

(Assuming you both being heterosexual)