[velcro003]

I have been seeing an art T for about 6 months. Though, I know her from the inpatient stays I had. She started a private practice, so I found her there.

The problem is, is I think I am WAY too attached to her for the small amount of time I’ve been seeing her. She allows me to email on weekends, after our friday sessions. I re-read these emails over and over until the next exchange.

I feel like I think about her more out of session than I do with my regular T, whom I’ve seen for close to 7 years! This makes me feel guilty.

If you ever felt too attached either too soon, or just in general, how did you work it out? Or did you just silently hope it’ll go away, which is my current game plan.

[Omers]

I clicked right away with “awesome T”… We have been working together just over three years now and he has been amazing with me and I have made SO much progress. The only downside I see is that I am trying to work with a second T (an art T) and she is lacking some skills and experience (that wouldn’t have bothered me before awesome T) and I have no patience for her or working on the relationship when I know how great it can be when things just click.

[Lostislost]

I've been seeing my T for almost 6 years now. I do feel attached to him but in a different way from the start.

There was a point when I first started seeing him when everything got messy, I remember crying to him on the phone that he wouldn't want to see me anymore because I was too needy and attached to him. He said that wasnt the case, and that being attached to him or any safe care giver was a good thing, otherwise they can't help us.

I think that it turns into a more relaxed attachment after while, where you feel more secure and you don't need to be in constant contact to feel close to them.

[velcro003]

Originally Posted by Lostislost

I think that it turns into a more relaxed attachment after while, where you feel more secure and you don't need to be in constant contact to feel close to them.

This is what I am hoping for. The only scary thing is that I do think I am pretty securely attached to my regular T. We’ve been seeing each other for almost 7 years, and i “clicked” with her right away.

But this relationship with art T, while I also clicked with her immediately, feels so much more intense on part-which scares the shite out of me.

[LonesomeTonight]

I got attached to my current T (Dr. T) pretty quickly. It did cause some issues/conflict in the beginning. He didn't seem to understand my attachment or why it happened as quickly as it did. An example is from when he was going out of town maybe a few months into my seeing him, and I struggled with it. He didn't seem to get it and said later that it was because I hadn't been seeing him for that long. So he didn't understand how I could miss him.

And of course there's the infamous stone story, where he thought it was "weird" or "creepy" if holding the stone *that he gave me as a transitional object* comforted me if it was that I associated with him in particular vs. the therapy space in general.

It all felt very rejecting and a bit shaming, which is bad for someone who has anxious/insecure attachment already. So then I just tried not talking about it, but then it would become apparent in other ways. Like when I emailed him while he was away to make sure he was still alive, and he thought I was joking around, so responded in kind, like "You're too funny. No, I haven't been eaten by a lion or a bear." That led to a bit of a rupture.

As I'm typing all this, I'm thinking to myself: Why did I stay with this T? (Was I replaying/reenacting something from my past, like with my father, say?) I mean, I did terminate for a little bit a few months after that following a couple other ruptures. But I went back because I just had this feeling like he could still help me. Apparently I was right because he has.

He's completely changed how he is regarding attachment (at least how he is to me about it). I'm not sure if it's from working with me specifically (my explaining it, seeing how I reacted to things, etc.), from doing further research/consulting about it, from the amount of time he's seen me, and/or some shift in him personally, perhaps as a result of the pandemic (he's seemed much more empathetic and warm since it started).

Anyway, I'm rambling. Have you talked to your Art T about this at all? How does she seem to be about attachment in general? Despite some of my experiences with Dr. T, I still think talking through it can be the best way to go. In my experience, trying to avoid talking about attachment or hiding how attached you feel can actually make it more intense (my experience with ex-MC at one point). So maybe try talking about it with her?

[LonesomeTonight]

I had another thought, too. I've seen you post in Dear T wondering when Art T will get back to you. Is she fairly inconsistent in when and how she responds? Like does she sometimes respond that day, sometimes take a day or two? Or maybe not at all? Or is it sometimes really brief, other times longer?

Just wondering because I think part of what led to so much attachment to my ex-marriage counselor was that he was very unpredictable in how and when he'd respond to emails and return phone calls. So it was a sort of intermittent reinforcement--like with mouse studies that found when mice sometimes get a treat for stepping on a button and sometimes they don't, and it makes them press the button more compared to those who always or never get a treat (hopefully I'm explaining that correctly!). So if you never know when or how she'll respond, perhaps that contributes to the attachment? Can you email with your regular T?

Dr. T is fairly consistent in replying to emails in the morning, so if I send something the day before, it's not until the next morning that he'll reply. But he's also very predictable in doing so, which I think eased my attachment a bit. Then he randomly starting replying to me in the evening sometimes, so then it would be like, "Maybe he'll write back tonight? Oh, it's 9 pm, he won't reply till the morning now I guess." But that seemed to intensify the attachment some. Now he's back to mainly replying in the mornings, except a couple weeks ago, when he accidentally deleted my email so didn't reply, and I was a bit frantic by noon that day.

Anyway, just something else to consider.

[velcro003]

I know I SHOULD talk to her about it, but there is no way I can. At least not right now. I don’t know what she feels about attachment, though she has written me a note to keep at home that says she is happy to keep working with me, and let me take home some pretty tissue paper from her office to use in an art project. So that seems like she is ok with attachment, but I don’t know.

We haven’t talked much about our relationship, with the exception of me always afraid she is sick of me/that i am too much. She (so far) has always reassured me that she isn’t sick of me/I am not too much. I think that is about as far as I can go to telling her that I feel quite attached.

[susannahsays]

Can you talk about it to your other therapist?

[ElectricManatee]

Originally Posted by velcro003

I know I SHOULD talk to her about it, but there is no way I can. At least not right now. I don’t know what she feels about attachment, though she has written me a note to keep at home that says she is happy to keep working with me, and let me take home some pretty tissue paper from her office to use in an art project. So that seems like she is ok with attachment, but I don’t know.

We haven’t talked much about our relationship, with the exception of me always afraid she is sick of me/that i am too much. She (so far) has always reassured me that she isn’t sick of me/I am not too much. I think that is about as far as I can go to telling her that I feel quite attached.

This whole bit of information tells me that she already knows about your feelings and is okay with them. Your reactions to her and to your own intense feelings are really normal for somebody with attachment things up work through. I think the chances of her being surprised or upset if you talk to her about your feelings are vanishingly small.

[ScarletPimpernel]

When I first talked to L on the phone, I knew I was going to get attached. Then after I had my intake with her, I was attached. I couldn't stop thinking about her. I wanted to see her asap. But I was still with T for another month and I couldn't. But I had a ton of guilt feelings for already being attached to L. I felt like I was cheating on T. That feeling lasted a long time. Especially when T came back from maternity leave and I chose to stay with L. I knew I was making the right decision for me, but I felt like I abandoned T. Both L and T worked together reassuring me, encouraging me, and supporting my decision. Now, after almost 3 years, I've come to terms with my attachment to L. It's intense still, but becoming more secure. And I no longer feel I've abandoned T. T is still there when I need her. I now have two great therapists.

I think it does get better. But I found talking to both of them and both of them working together really helped me come to terms with it all.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by ElectricManatee

This whole bit of information tells me that she already knows about your feelings and is okay with them. Your reactions to her and to your own intense feelings are really normal for somebody with attachment things up work through. I think the chances of her being surprised or upset if you talk to her about your feelings are vanishingly small.

I agree with this assessment.

I hope what I said about Dr. T wouldn't at all scare you off from talking to her about it. If she did these things for you on her own, I agree that she's likely aware of the attachment (though maybe not to the degree) and OK with it.

[velcro003]

Originally Posted by susannahsays

Can you talk about it to your other therapist?

I could, but I don’t think I actually can. She knows I cringe when we talk about our relationship. I mean it took me SIX YEARS to admit to her that I cared about her. Lol.

Originally Posted by ElectricManatee

This whole bit of information tells me that she already knows about your feelings and is okay with them. Your reactions to her and to your own intense feelings are really normal for somebody with attachment things up work through. I think the chances of her being surprised or upset if you talk to her about your feelings are vanishingly small.

Thank you for this. Maybe she does. I kind of wish I knew, but I am entirely too scared to bring it up to her.

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

When I first talked to L on the phone, I knew I was going to get attached. Then after I had my intake with her, I was attached. I couldn't stop thinking about her. I wanted to see her asap. But I was still with T for another month and I couldn't. But I had a ton of guilt feelings for already being attached to L. I felt like I was cheating on T. That feeling lasted a long time. Especially when T came back from maternity leave and I chose to stay with L. I knew I was making the right decision for me, but I felt like I abandoned T. Both L and T worked together reassuring me, encouraging me, and supporting my decision. Now, after almost 3 years, I've come to terms with my attachment to L. It's intense still, but becoming more secure. And I no longer feel I've abandoned T. T is still there when I need her. I now have two great therapists.

I think it does get better. But I found talking to both of them and both of them working together really helped me come to terms with it all.

Thanks Scarlet. And YES, it feels a bit like I’m cheating on my T. I don’t like it, and could never tell her this.

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

I agree with this assessment.

I hope what I said about Dr. T wouldn't at all scare you off from talking to her about it. If she did these things for you on her own, I agree that she's likely aware of the attachment (though maybe not to the degree) and OK with it.

Thanks LT-and no, you didn’t scare me off