[ScarletPimpernel]

I know I just posted about counter-transference, but I've also been wondering about the client's transference.

I have maternal transference with L. I know it and she knows it. Last session we went into detail about the depth of my feelings for her. (That was terrifying btw!)

So I'm wondering: what is the goal with transference? Like is the goal to overcome(?) it? To not have that type of transference? Like is there a way for me to not think of L like a mother? Or am I supposed to just accept it will always be there? Will I always see her as a mother-figure?

I know and understand that transference can be a useful tool to explore deep emotions and trauma. But I also know she will never be my mother...no one can ever fill that need completely. What I lost growing up, I will basically never find. Yes, L can soothe and comfort me and meet some needs and wants, but she just can't fill the deep hole inside me.

So I'm just wondering what the end goal of it is?

[Favorite Jeans]

I don’t know the answer to this question but…

I was thinking about this just yesterday in the context of being a parent. It occurred to me that my job as a parent is really to work myself out of a job. If things go well and my kids are able to individuate and come into their own, they won’t need me so much. I will always be their parent but I won’t be parenting them anymore and, hopefully, we will relate to each other as adults

And it occurred to me that maybe that’s a possible goal with transference? The relationship will always be special but the very young and needy parts will have more resources available to them? And the older parts will be more adept at recognizing needs and providing care.

When that happens some of the intensity of the transference can dissipate and while you won’t exactly be friends, you might meet more as equals.

[Waterbear]

Favourite Jeans almost hit it in one for me... I too used to have a huge gaping hole that I thought could only be filled by a mother figure. I sought that from my T. And, in some ways, she provided that for me, but it wasn't just my relationship with her that repaired the hole. It was what we built THROUGH the relationship. Through the known caring, through the pride and joy I saw she had in me. Through the consistency and support I built a life for myself and it is that which eventually 'filled the hole' somewhat I believe. Relationships other than the one I had with her. Hobbies and passions that I never had before. Feelings that had been repressed and cut off. A relationship with myself and an ability to care for myself and my young parts. I have a picture of a vast an barren land with a huge crater in it. All you will see is that crater. But build a civilization around the crater and fill it with meaningful things, and the crater suddenly isn't the sole focus point. From some perspective you could even forget it was there...

It will always be there, though, because you are right, you cannot ever fill that need completely, but with the right combination of the two things, I genuinely do believe that things can get easier in respect of that deep hole.

I'll caveat that by saying that because of the work I did, because everything was built on the foundation of the relationship, I don't think I'll ever be able to fully let go of my T, whatever that means. Even though she is no longer practicing...

Everything I see, everything I do, everything I hear, everything I have become reminds me of her. It's like there is, inside of me, half of me and half of her. I can hear her words when I encounter tricky situations. I can see her face when I hear the birds sing. I can feel her touch when I am sad and need soothing. How do you move on from that is the question I have right now. In a way, I don't think you can. In a way, I think you just have to accept that as part of the process, maybe?

To me, she will always be the Mum I should have had, and losing her has caused the kind of grief that I guess other people feel when they lose a parent that they loved deeply.

I hope I answered the question in some kind of way, from my personal point of view and experience?

[Just42dayK]

This is a good question that I am thankful yo asked. I am just now approaching the place that T is not and will never be what I created in my transference to him. To see that people can accept that and actually create a fulfilling life is encouraging and brings tears to my eyes. To actually heal that even with continual challenges sounds amazing to me.

[Rive.]

End goal... I guess first off, to be aware of the source of our wounding, be able to identify and explain the 'why' of our reactions or behaviours or strong feelings.

Bringing this awareness to light & exploring it together in therapy might help to find your needs met in 'real' life, rather than in the sole person of the therapist. By 're-directing' or having other people be able to fill some of those needs so that you (the client) won't have the therapist as the be-all and end-all human able to give you what you need (or needed).

More balance would be restored in terms of attachment / emotional intensity or focus. And yes, T might lose this power of being the one and only person able to fill what was/is missing.

[AliceKate]

I think positive transference of the client towards the therapist makes therapy more important/ a priority in the life of the client and as such is not an end goal in itself, but much rather a path to increase the (emotional, phsyical) available of the client towards working through their issues. The end goal should be (imo) to destroy the feelings of tranference once working through has been achieved and the client is okay with supporting their own happiness. Something like that.

[Jesla]

Maybe the end goal is to use the transference to help you heal?
I was thinking about this the other day. My therapist is like a big sister for me. I am the oldest so I always wanted a big sister. My therapist is just a few years older than me. So i sort of get to have that older sister figure. She is part teacher, part listener. Part advice giver, part wisdom giver, part annoying, part loving.