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Lostislost
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Default Jan 27, 2022 at 04:41 AM
  #1
I've seen the same T for the last 6 years. I'm definitely a different person now to when I started, although this might've been the case anyway just given time. I had a baby 5 months ago, and since then my mental health is just awful. I used to be a healthy weight, I used to get out and see people and do things, go places. Or I used to smoke a lot of weed to help me cope with things, or act out, have sex with people etc.

Since having a baby I can do none of these things...my body is so much bigger now, I'm breastfeeding so don't smoke, my body doesn't work when I have sex, I'm in constant pain from labour still. All I have is food and that's obviously just making everything worse. I feel like therapy should have given me some different skills to cope over all this time? Am I wrong? I don't know what to do. My T says I seem to be coping well since having a baby, but that's because I have to..right? Like I can't do any of the stuff I used to do because I'm not allowed, not because I don't want to.
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Default Jan 27, 2022 at 05:14 AM
  #2
I wonder about that, too. Whether doing and wanting are ultimately all that different. I'm afraid that I don't have an answer for you, but I do hope your T will see that you are struggeling with that the new lifestyle is one of forcing yourself to adher to new rules, instead of adhering to them because you have inherently changed. I also don't really know if he should have prepared you for it, but I feel at least now, he ought to help you cope with the situation as it is presenting itself.

I do think you can give yourself some grace regarding your weight. Having children affects everyone differently and going through the additional strain of not being able to default to your usual behaviour takes courage and strength. It's okay to not controll all aspects of life for a while and perhaps once you have weaned your baby, you can relax your strict rules a bit and watch your food instead.

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Default Jan 27, 2022 at 07:44 AM
  #3
I’m can’t diagnose you but I had all those feelings after the birth of my daughter. My obgyn diagnosed me postpartum depression. She gave me some antidepressants and had me go to a therapist who specializes in ppd. It took awhile , but I finally worked my way through it. Go easy on yourself and I’m told ppd is somewhat common

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Default Jan 27, 2022 at 07:53 AM
  #4
I don't think you're failing at therapy. Having a baby really changes things. In fact, for me, having a baby is what led me back to therapy after a long hiatus because I struggled so much to cope.

Breastfeeding was difficult for me in the sense that it sort of tethers you to your baby (we couldn't get my daughter to take a bottle for a long time, so pumping didn't work for me either). It can lead to you feeling "touched out," like not wanting anyone else to touch you (certainly not sexually). It also literally burns a lot of energy, so it makes sense that you're hungry all the time.

Try to give yourself more credit--you say you're not doing certain things, like smoking weed, because you're "not allowed." However, I imagine plenty of people resume smoking weed anyway, whether will still breastfeeding (despite the risk), or they may choose to stop breastfeeding so that they can smoke weed (not that there's anything wrong with stopping breastfeeding).

Is there any chance you could have postpartum depression? I struggled with that, along with postpartum anxiety, though didn't fully realize what was going on at the time. It made me reluctant to leave the house, to see people I cared about (friends, family), etc. Even taking a walk around the block with my daughter in a stroller seemed overwhelming at times, let alone, say, going to the store. But I eventually learned that doing those things helped. Of course, we're in a pandemic now, so I completely understand if you might not want to take your baby to public places. And not sure where you live, but where I am, it's 15 degrees right now, so not good for a walk around the block!

But I would consider the possibility of postpartum depression if you haven't. It could be making you feel worse about how you're coping right now than you really are. And your T saying that you're coping well--do *you* think you're coping well? Is it possible you're not being completely honest with your T about everything you're feeling--including possibly regrets about having a baby (it's natural to have those feelings), wishing you could just be alone sometimes, etc.?

I feel like mothers get this message that they're supposed to be overjoyed about having a baby and aren't supposed to think any negative thoughts, let alone share them. But such thoughts are quite common, including when the baby grows into a child--my daughter is 10 now, and this is something I've discussed with my T fairly often. He even admitted to me once that there have been times that he's regretted having his son. So if you've had any thoughts like this, it can help to discuss them, even if you feel guilt about them, like I did. Or maybe not so much regret about becoming a mother, but just missing your old life, when you had less responsibility and could come and go as you pleased. And when you weren't in pain.

For the pain, maybe you're already doing this, but is it possible to get some physical therapy or other treatment for that? You could consult with your OB.

Finally, I'd try talking to your T about alternative coping strategies, things you can do at home. (It's something I've had to do with the pandemic, as some of my strategies were going out places.) Sorry this is so long--hope it helped in some way. Feel free to PM me, too.
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Default Jan 27, 2022 at 10:00 AM
  #5
Thank you AliceKate, yes I hope to get control back over my weight when I stop breast feeding. At the moment it really feels like all I do is sit and feed or rock him. I used to walk a lot and visit lots of places, I also used to smoke constantly which was instead of eating.

Thanks wheeler, I did get referred when I was still pregnant to the mental health team in the area, but they discharged me when they found out I had a private therapist. If it gets any worse I think I must have meds to try as everything is too hard.

Thanks LT, and for sharing your experience. I have told my T how I feel honestly but I do feel pretty stupid, as I used to go on about wanting a baby aaaall the time and he never seemed to think it was the best idea. It took us years to conceive. I had given up tbh. I didn't think it would be in a pandemic of course which has made it harder. I've thrown money away paying for baby classes and not going as I am just too exhausted to go when the time comes. I don't think I realised that babies are never happy to just sit and watch or play for a bit? Mine won't do 5 minutes on his own. I don't have any friends or family close to help in any way. I was so sick through the pregnancy with HG (was it you that said you suffered this too?) So my body image is messed up, I've gone up and down between 9 and 15 stone in the last year and worried I'll never like myself again.

I feel like COVID ruined all the things I was hoping to do, and now I have a baby I will never get a chance to do them. I do fantasise about smoking etc but if anything happened to him I couldn't forgive myself. I can't pump either! He has a formula if he's hungry when I'm at therapy. I took him to therapy when he was 5 weeks but it was too awkward to feed him there and I couldn't concentrate. Yes I do miss just being able to make art or read a book. Sorry this is long maybe I should've said it in a PM!
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Default Jan 27, 2022 at 12:28 PM
  #6
My sister did what LT said, weaned the kid after 5 months and gave him the bottle. Partly because he wasn't good at breast feeding, partly because she smokes, like you do, and while she always wanted a kid, she decided her mental health was more important then breast feeding. I'm sure there are people that judge her for it, or would if they new, but I say **** them, happy parents, happy children, and if you need it, go ahead. She only does it at night when he is sleeping, btw, so there is minimal chance of it going wrong.

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Default Jan 27, 2022 at 05:11 PM
  #7
Five months is tough. You have had your baby long enough that the newness has worn off, you have a sleep debt that it feels like you'll never pay off, and the mundanity of spending every day and night with a infant makes you long for your old life. If you haven't had a baby before, it might be helpful to hear that some of these things get easier as your kid gets older and you will eventually get parts of your old life back. For me it really hit me that I felt like myself again when my kid was around eighteen months old, but I think it could have happened earlier if I had made it a priority.

Does your baby nap independently? My older kid would only sleep while being held for several months as a baby, and it was somehow both boring and exhausting. I felt like I could never do anything else, but it did eventually end. I like Janet Lansbury's stuff about independent play for babies, but she might also be a bit "out there" for some people.

I'm not just telling you that all this stuff is normal and thus doesn't warrant changes or support. I do think it's worth investigating meds for your mental health and help from your midwife/OB for the pain. You may be able to do pelvic floor PT or something to help. And as far as your T, maybe you can tell him about the urges to do self-destructive things being a symptom that you're not okay, regardless of whether you follow through. After my first was born, I kinda felt like I didn't have time to be depressed anymore and almost immediately developed chronic back pain instead. All that stress and emotion has to go somewhere, and hopefully your T can help you through it.
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Default Jan 27, 2022 at 06:22 PM
  #8
Thanks ElectricManatee, it is exactly as you describe. My baby will sleep in his pram if I get the timing right but not for long. It is my first baby so quite a shock. I think I will have to seek some help for my pain, it has been unbearable today. I'm afraid they will just tell me to lose weight, I know this would probably help but the more I try the heavier I seem to get.

Seeing T again on Monday so will emphasise my struggles a bit more then. He doesn't have children so I'm not sure he really gets what I'm on about? Therapy has become quite a pronounced part of my week now it's one of the only hours I am baby free. Thank you for the link I will check it out.
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Default Jan 27, 2022 at 06:50 PM
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I also want to add a postscript that even a little bit of childcare did WONDERS for my spouse and me. Everybody needs a break now and then, and having our toddler in daycare is good for all three of us (our new baby is too young but will also be going eventually!).
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Default Jan 27, 2022 at 10:31 PM
  #10
Can I just say that every single thing you’ve written sounds normal and relatable? Not normal in the sense of don’t worry its no big deal but just… of course people miss their unhealthy coping habits when they give them up! Sometimes the longing for whatever it is goes away with time but sometimes it just doesn’t (which is why people talk about recovering from addiction as an ongoing process).

And babies are tedious. They’re sweet and we love them but they’re tedious and demanding and its so hard when you don’t get regular breaks.

I totally second the recommendation for pelvic physiotherapy and for even tiny intervals of childcare. Even someone to be with the baby while you’re in another room for an hour can be helpful.

Can you also just be nice to yourself about body and weight changes? Like you’ve just made a whole human in your body and continue to nourish him primarily/entirely with your body and we’re in a stupid pandemic and you’re in pain. It’s A LOT. Maybe give your body lots of gentle care and not so much judgement?
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Default Jan 28, 2022 at 07:50 AM
  #11
Thanks, this pandemic is definitely stupid and hard. Makes me too afraid to go to baby groups and do things incase we get sick or he gets that RSV thing that is putting babies in hospital.

I don't have a support network, I haven't spoken to any other mums since I gave birth (except my mum but that's a whole other story lol) so it's hard to know if I'm doing anything right or what's normal.

I can't afford any kind of childcare, we are on that line of earning just enough to not qualify for any benefits. But we do try to take in turns when he's home and can hold the baby for a bit. I will try to be kind to my body..I know our bodies can do these amazing things. I think food is just my last comfort that I'm allowed to have, and I was so sick and lost lots of weight in the first half of my pregnancy, now I can't stop eating. I'm sure a lot of it is boredom/comfort eating. Hopefully it will get better as baby can move around more and I can't sit still so much!
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Default Jan 28, 2022 at 11:49 AM
  #12
Just wanted to chime in: I haven't had kids, but from what I've read lots of women struggle with similar things. Of course with mental health on top it's even worse. Little sleep, stress, a lot of change in your life, now the pandemic on top... maybe there's a place online similar to this forum for moms? That might help. Also, I've out of interest binge-watched baby-steps on youtube, maybe a podcast like that can help too?
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Default Jan 29, 2022 at 05:21 AM
  #13
I have posted stuff in Facebook groups for mums, but I've had no response or just judgment for the smoking, sex, self harm etc. I just really thought therapy would've helped me cope better than I am! I could try and look for another forum like you said and check out the podcast, thanks.
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