[Etcetera1]

Earlier I posted on here about how I have two needs that family/friends can't take care of, while I can't and won't try "deep" therapy ever again:

- To let out raw emotion vomit along with anger
- Talk about emotionally intimate relationships a looot

There was a good idea that I should try an online site like betterhelp, if only betterhelp offered a way to easily find or pick a therapist that would fit these very specific needs, I don't have thousands of $$ to spend on the site while trying to find a therapist that can actually work with me on this the way I'd want it.

I think my needs morphed since then. I've found some really decent relationship books so I'll just read those, and so I'll just manage somehow about that need of talking about relationships in general. As far as talking about my actual relationships...past and current, a lot of that is taken care of too with these readings. And I no longer need to do the raw emotion vomit either, I've sorted some things in my life so I don't have that need anymore

Now I'd like someone who I could schedule a talk with for 1 hour maybe every second day, yes online is great for this. Now you could say I can use betterhelp or a similar site. The problem is again about how to put what I exactly need and I still don't know if these sites can help me find a therapist quickly and efficiently.

But I'll try to verbalise what I'm looking for now:

I realised my subconscious is still hard at work figuring out a lot of mess from my life, including my past (not childhood). And if I neglect focusing on this and don't verbalise the insights from time to time, then my mood will eventually drop really low and it will get in my way of living my life.

So I want to do this talk regularly to get out these thoughts. If I discharge my subconscious every 2nd day for 1 hour that seems like a good way to avoid getting too low eventually.

Me journalling on my own is too time consuming. I do do it regularly but it's effortful, time consuming, because I have no way to keep positive enough to not have to go too deep so I waste a lot of time getting around that, long hours, and it's also what makes it so effortful to the point of it being almost painful.

This used to be way worse but I no longer want the lows getting in my life anymore at all!!

So what I am looking for if talking to someone for 1 hour, I noticed that this whole process is a load more efficient, to try and bring up thoughts and do productive emotional processing, if someone else is very positive encouraging like they give me affirmations or validation not sure the exact thing they would be doing. Affirmations for sure though and I'm not sure if there's anything else.

I know this from experience, someone used to talk with me a bit (online), we scheduled 1 or 2 hours at a time, and he was able to get stuff out of me, he lightly challenged me in an encouraging and attentive way to try and talk about stuff without him talking too much, he did talk just enough to get me to start on getting it out of myself, and he did those affirmations that kept me from getting too deep or low and so it made the emotional processing actually very productive.

The thing and the big trick here is that if I don't receive this affirmation and encouragement to get emotional things out of my mind and actually put them into words, then my mood will remain overly low and my brain naturally responds with detachment to that. So then I will not have access to my own feelings, or put words to them, let alone verbalise in a clear way, and I will not be able to discharge my subconscious in an effective, efficient way. Only via long hours of effortful and nearly painful journalling and reflecting like I said, when I get low enough and so I know I have to force myself to get through it to be able to do things in my life.

How would I put this, explain what I'm looking for, in a simple way if I tried betterhelp or a similar site?

Does anyone on here get at all what I was trying to describe? I never had that kind of experience with any actual therapist in IRL therapy btw. I just had the luck with running into this guy online who was able to do this for me.

[Etcetera1]

I'm rethinking this. It's still a liability for me to do regular one-on-one talks about my personal issues. Because it means I have to deal with more emotions, feelings coming from the other person so if the therapist is being negative about something, then I'll be pulled down by it and if she/he doesn't try to repair the negativity then I'll lose trust and that's a big liability and burden for me if I have to deal with loss of trust after I opened up to someone that much.

So I'll just schedule talking in support groups and try to make myself bring up stuff.