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Default May 25, 2022 at 07:51 PM
  #321
Hey L. I'm doing pretty okay so far with H and this stent thing. I may feel differently once it's actually scheduled, but I know I can talk to my Mom about it because of when my dad had his put in both times (i think it was two? I don't remember it's been awhile) but I'm sure she'll remember.
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Default May 26, 2022 at 08:05 AM
  #322
Dear T,
Sorry about that email, but I knew if I didn't send something, I'd be thinking of it all session tomorrow, then awkwardly blurt something out at the end and feel weird and worried about it (so I'd end up emailing you anyway). Or I'd keep it in, and that would cause its own issues. I hope you read it in your morning email window, not so much because I want a quick response, but I wouldn't want you to read it in between clients and have those feelings dredged up. Though I imagine if you started reading it and realized it was a bad idea, you could stop and finish it later.

Of course, now I'm going to wonder about a response all day (I should have sent it earlier, but I didn't realize I should send it vs. tell you tomorrow until I was in the shower, so....). When you may just wait and say something tomorrow morning. But that's OK. I'm telling myself that's OK. And just a "thanks" or something is fine--I hope I made it clear that I wasn't looking for an explanation, considering that I literally said that. I also figure if it something personal vs. something in the news, I gave you a sort of out, where you could just imply that it was because of the news.

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LT
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Default May 26, 2022 at 08:33 AM
  #323
I won't be able to see you in the day because M is working as much as possible...because everything is costing so much money now.

I won't be able to afford a babysitter, I'd rather not bring the baby to therapy as it's the only time I get to do something alone, for myself. We really wouldn't get to discuss much while I try and entertain him the whole time anyway.

I hate that it will be the end of our sessions together, but I don't know how to make it work.
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Default May 26, 2022 at 08:39 AM
  #324
The fact that you are away next week and my reaction to that has really made me realise how intense the transference is becoming. It’s so unbelievably powerful and I’m worried you’re going to get freaked out by it. I already regret emailing you and telling you how much of an affect you being away will have on me. I can’t tell you that I’ll miss you, but I really will. I know it’s only a week, but I’m so used to two sessions in that timeframe it’s going to feel like much longer.
Tomorrow I just want you to come sit next to me on the couch so I can curl up next to you and fall asleep with my head on your shoulder. I never experienced the feeling of falling asleep like that as a child and I crave it so much. I know, I know, stupid bloody boundaries……
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Default May 26, 2022 at 12:52 PM
  #325
Dear T,
I really hope you aren't irritated by my email and that you see it in the spirit in which it was meant (and also to avoid an awkward situation tomorrow).

I hope you understand that the last-minute change to virtual, especially the session immediately after we were working through a rupture tied to similar concerns, combined with your seeming sad/emotional is all triggering for me. (For the latter part, see: ex-MC.) Plus you know I'm under so much stress this week from being responsible for so many things related to D, plus household stuff, plus stuff for H while H recovers from surgery.

I'm just worried you're thinking, "Great, she stopped the 30-second text check in; only to be replaced by emails about other stuff--can we just go back to the check-ins?" But I hope you get what this was about, and give me some grace right now--or at least that we can talk about it tomorrow.

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Default May 26, 2022 at 01:33 PM
  #326
I liked how you said "what is that blanket? Its very fluffy." When I told you it was the cats blanket you said "you took it from the cats?" But you arent the only one having trouble understanding me and at least people arent being jerks and I'm not getting upset with people.

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Default May 26, 2022 at 10:00 PM
  #327
Hey T and E: It has been a long time since I've seen you guys. Tomorrow should be an interesting day. I'm kind of glad to be back home, but terrified to be without 24/7 support.
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Default May 27, 2022 at 10:54 AM
  #328
Why didn’t you push me to talk? You knew how hard today’s session would be and how awful I would be feeling because of my email, but you let me avoid and stew in my anger and hurt that you’re going to be away for a week rather than encouraging me to talk about it. My petulant response of ‘I don’t want to talk about it’ was to try and get you to show me that you care and tell me that you want to make me feel better before you go, so we should talk about it. But instead you let me avoid, and we both pretended that everything was ok when it clearly wasn’t. I hate you for abandoning me. And yes I’m probably looking for any excuse to be angry at you right now, but spending the session with you teaching me to play chess was a complete waste of my time. What was the point? What is the point in any of this? Therapy is b*llsh*t. You’re b*llsh*t.
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Default May 27, 2022 at 01:13 PM
  #329
I asked my super skinny doctor today about eating healthy and excercising in regards to a serious issue and he brushed it off as not a concern. If a doctor isnt worried or preoccupied about my eating and life style and weight then why are you?

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Last edited by Mountaindewed; May 27, 2022 at 03:13 PM..
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Default May 27, 2022 at 02:06 PM
  #330
Dear T,
Well, that was really awkward and messy. Why didn't you step into the hall to talk to your wife? I just felt strange overhearing part of that. Although I do appreciate that you were willing to risk getting sucked out of the window by a tornado to continue our session. Had it been a less intense topic, I'd have probably been OK with trying the kitchen or possibly the waiting room if it were unoccupied.

I wish you'd been a bit gentler with me regarding the email. You ultimately seemed to kind of understand, but apparently that was worth 10 steps to NYC while the texts were 1? Clearly I shouldn't have sent it. You made that extremely clear! I wish you could have maybe said you do like me as a client, even if it were, say, "I like all my clients, you included." At least you eventually got the connection with my fears and ex-MC? I just don't know why that maybe didn't occur to you? Maybe I should have included it in the email or something. Like either say what I'm worried about or don't send it at all, vs. what I sent, which was some vague thing with well wishes and such.

I'm going to try my best not to email you this weekend. That's part of why I asked for the extra reassurance while looking in your eyes at the end. I wanted to see that you meant it, that the care (and love) I felt Monday was still in there, at least on some level.

I did sit by the elevators for a bit to wait out the storm. Didn't want to sit in the waiting room in case you came out, as I feared it would look like I was waiting for you.

Hope you get home safely. And that your wife isn't mad you didn't leave the session in the office (though I suspect you might just lie to her about it, or at least say the storm didn't look bad, which it didn't at the time).

Love,
LT
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Default May 27, 2022 at 05:22 PM
  #331
I think I either need to switch you to virtual or to another day. Unless you want a non productive session where I possibly puke in your garbage can and am tired and lightheaded. But maybe it won't be that bad. Plus switching to virtual suddenly has never been an issue for either of us. So maybe I should just wait to see how it goes.

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Default May 27, 2022 at 09:19 PM
  #332
E: I am so scared to veer towards the trauma, but I trust you. That you will be there for me through it all.
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Default May 27, 2022 at 09:32 PM
  #333
Dear T,
Well, are you happy? I did that instead of emailing you. Congratulations, you aren't irritated! Enjoy your f-ing night. Maybe I need to leave you.

LT
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Default May 28, 2022 at 12:55 AM
  #334
hope you're ok, LT.
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Default May 28, 2022 at 06:44 AM
  #335
Quote:
Originally Posted by ArtieTheSequal View Post
hope you're ok, LT.

Thanks, Artie, I am. I probably shouldn't post vague things like that on the couch.

Possible trigger:
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Default May 28, 2022 at 10:41 AM
  #336
According to my mom, eating tic tacs so that I'm not hungry is considered an unhealthy behavior and thats the kind of stuff you are concerned about. I just thought people who on normal diets did that kind of stuff as well.

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Default May 28, 2022 at 11:24 AM
  #337
Hey L. Do you know, that even though we ended therapy almost 6 months ago, my therapy continues in my head in a way? I guess that's why you always said we're not friends and can never be friends. I hated it when you said that, and thankfully you hadn't had to say it in quite awhile, but I get it now. Seeing each other on the zoom drum circles on occasion is fine, even that one night when he put us together in a breakout room, it was perfectly comfortable/natural, because we both just rolled with it and jumped into practicing whatever particular thing we were working on that night. The set agenda, and the set time frame (esp the very short breakout room of what 10-15 minutes only), and having no control over the time or the content, makes it a do-able thing. Yes, our roles are a little different now, we're no longer T/Client, but something more along the lines of colleagues/coworkers or something like that. I can't really call any of the folks on the calls "friends", because I've never met any of the rest of them in person and I know very little about them personally either. So, it is comfortable for me, seeing you now in this way because it doesn't take anything away from the 'talking therapeutically with you in my head' at all, and I feel like if/when in the future I want to come see you again professionally, I could and it would still be work-able.
Possible trigger:
Anyway. Just my thoughts this morning.
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Default May 28, 2022 at 12:56 PM
  #338
Dear T,
Wow, I really didn't expect you to offer me something tomorrow. Maybe it's because I played by the "rules", asking for a half session instead of emailing? Hopefully it helps rather than hurts!
But thanks.
Love,
LT
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Default May 28, 2022 at 01:56 PM
  #339
I hope you are able to give me the support I need with all this stuff. I am pretty concerned about all the things that are going on. Not really about the results since he reassured me they would 95% most likely be ok. But its just the procedure itself and the fact I have to go to the hospital for it and I can't just get it done at his office or at an outpatient building like I was hoping. Plus I am super concerned about post procedure depression. I wish I had asked him more questions about what the anesthesia would be like.

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Default May 29, 2022 at 12:26 PM
  #340
I am pretty worried about the biopsy. To the point I'm thinking of avoiding doing it altogether. But I don't think you or my mom will allow me do to that since it will just get my anxiety going even more. Plus I don't want my doctors to get annoyed with my either. The procedure on Wednesday will be my 3rd one so I'm kind of used to it by now I just don't know how I'll feel physically after. Anything should be better then how I am currently feeling though.

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