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ArtieTheSequal
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Default Apr 09, 2022 at 07:05 PM
  #21
Holy moly, L. I wonder if I have the capability within me to get out of my own way enough to come back and talk through the reality behind why I left in December. You said we were "pressing pause" - that makes me think either a) you think that I do or b) you just knew I'd be back because you know me so well. Either way, I wonder.

I am not ready. Yet.
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Default Apr 09, 2022 at 09:11 PM
  #22
T- sorry for the sobbing text. I am relieved you couldn’t call tonight.
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Default Apr 09, 2022 at 09:53 PM
  #23
Sleep when the baby sleeps they say, hahaha what a joke. I've been lying here awake for 3 hours while he sleeps. I'm so stressed out.
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Default Apr 10, 2022 at 07:55 AM
  #24
I thought I was doing okay but maybe I've just been lying to myself. These poems I've been writing... ugh. How do I do this, L? How do I let the healing I found in the "relationship" still be real and permanent, while at the same time letting that house of cards crumble and fall around me? I'm back to believing again that if I never really knew you, there was never any real relationship, despite your protestations that "It's real, it's just unique". How much of what I felt was real, and how much smoke and mirrors, a downright big fat cruel lie I told myself?! I'm not gonna let myself go back not even to talk about what I learned yesterday. Why set myself up for more heartbreak? I might have my eyes open now, and it might work out okay, but I'm not going to chance it.

Feelings suck. I don't want them anymore. I think I'd like to be a robot now, please.
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Default Apr 10, 2022 at 07:59 AM
  #25
Wait.


Wait.

Just a gol dang minute.
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Default Apr 10, 2022 at 08:00 AM
  #26
MAYBE I'm just supposed to re-create it all with MYSELF???!

That realization just stunned me cold when the lyrics to a Stevie Nicks song came into my head from "After The Glitter Fades":

"We all chase something
And maybe this is a dream
The timeless face of a rock and roll
Woman while her heart breaks
Oh you know the dream keeps coming
Even when you forget to feel"

see this is one of the things that i love so much about poetry is that you never know what someone else is going to get out of it.

Last edited by ArtieTheSequal; Apr 10, 2022 at 09:33 AM..
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Default Apr 10, 2022 at 08:18 AM
  #27
Dear T,
Hope you travel safely today.

Wish I was seeing you tomorrow.
Love,
LT
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Default Apr 10, 2022 at 02:57 PM
  #28
I don't want to suppress my emotions but I don't know how to stop. This vague bad feeling is making me crazy. I don't understand why I started doing this. I've always suppressed certain emotions, but this is on a whole other level.

Also I feel really alone. It's hard feeling this way and not having anybody. I know you want me to make friends, but I can't help thinking that wouldn't really help with this. I don't think one can have an expectation for friends to deal with this sort of thing. It's just too burdensome. People don't know how to respond to severe depression because they feel like they have to do something about it. Because why else would you tell them? I mean, you seem to feel the same way and you're a therapist, so I can hardly expect a friend to be able to tolerate my mental illness when you can't. Plus, I know it can be hard for people to keep caring when it seems like the issue never gets better. I think I would be really draining and exhausting as a friend.

I just wish I had somebody to lean on a little bit without feeling inappropriate or like a burden. Even if you were more supportive in the way I need, I can't depend on you to be there for me more than once a week and that's not enough.

Although it occurs to me that some of my recent attempts to share things with you so that I don't feel so alone have left me feeling low key humiliated. I am making assumptions and doing some mind reading here, but I'm not sure what else to think. I'm specifically talking about how I've made certain disclosures and been met with no response or followup. To me that suggests these things don't matter. If you ignored it outside of session but then brought it up in an appointment, I would feel ashamed because that would suggest I had been inappropriate, but at least I wouldn't feel like it just didn't matter. But then for it to be like I never said anything at all really makes me wonder what you're thinking and humiliated for sharing. I think I'm worried you think I'm just being dramatic to get attention and that I don't actually mean what I said. Which I guess I am looking for attention but it's because I do mean what I said and that scares me.

I feel kind of angry about this, but also highly critical of myself for being angry and for bothering you in the first place. The shame I feel at thinking I matter enough to burden you but then getting ignored is really intense. You can't be a burden to other people when you don't actually matter and I feel like a huge asshole for presuming I actually had the power to burden you.

Is it a problem that I feel absolved from any responsibility to bring these things up again? It seems to me that I've fulfilled any expectation you and Dr. S could have. I did try. With you I was even specific. I could not have been more explicit. If things go wrong, nobody can say I failed to hold up my end of the bargain.

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Last edited by susannahsays; Apr 10, 2022 at 03:59 PM..
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Default Apr 10, 2022 at 03:22 PM
  #29
Yo L. So while I'm not in therapy anymore, therapy is apparently still in me.

Huh.

I daresay I hope that lasts awhile.
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Default Apr 10, 2022 at 03:49 PM
  #30
My feelings for you come and go so quickly. Today I have not been thinking much of you. Maybe a bit but not like the other day. I do wonder though why a medical doctor got back to me on a Saturday night but you didn't respond to my email at all that I sent Thursday morning. Seems a bit backwards in my opinion.

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Default Apr 10, 2022 at 07:19 PM
  #31
That's it.


Tomorrow I'm writing about the ****ing weeds in my front yard.


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Default Apr 10, 2022 at 07:57 PM
  #32
Not looking forward to occupational therapy... I feel like a hopeless klutz. The trainer also kicks up anxiety.

I know I chose this because I really need to get connected to my body, improve my coordination and how I process and remember instructions... I still hate being reminded of why I avoided everything of this sort once I was out of school.
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Default Apr 10, 2022 at 08:01 PM
  #33
Dear T,
This time last week, I was sitting at the beach, watching this same show, but so much more relaxed (and having done a painting). And knowing I'd be talking to you both the next day and the day after (with the way the schedule worked out).

Now there's all this stress and tension in the air around me, I'm not relaxed, and I'm not talking to you until Thursday. I miss last Sunday....

Love,
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Default Apr 11, 2022 at 09:35 AM
  #34
Still no word about L. I hope all is going well with her. Worried.
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Default Apr 11, 2022 at 10:06 AM
  #35
Dear T,
Well, got the first of D's assessments back, and most of it is pretty depressing. So I may have a topic to email you about tonight....

On the plus side, the insurance reversed their decision on H's surgery, and it's now approved. So a big stressor is off his shoulders, which I'm hoping means he'll be in a better mindset and snapping at D less. He also realized he'd accidentally been drinking mostly decaf the last few days, which he thinks may have played a role.

Still wish I was talking to your today. Or tomorrow. Or Wednesday. (Though at least you presumably got to your destination safely because you invoiced me this morning.)

Love,
LT
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Default Apr 11, 2022 at 11:49 AM
  #36
Dear T,
I know it was probably stupid to email you just now, as you most likely won't reply until tomorrow morning. Delusional me hopes maybe you'd happen to see it and dash something off before then. Maybe in some weird way it helps to know you likely won't reply until tomorrow?

I hope it doesn't seem manipulative that I said I wished I could talk to you before Thursday, but I was just being honest. And I said "I know that's not possible." It's not like I said, "Is there any way we could talk?" because that wouldn't have been fair, as it's not an emergency, and you would have said no (you'd have likely said "no" even if it were an emergency, though you said before that you'd probably try to arrange for me to talk to another T).

Love,
LT

Last edited by LonesomeTonight; Apr 11, 2022 at 12:10 PM..
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Default Apr 11, 2022 at 03:23 PM
  #37
I hope you really are in person this week. I know I like virtual but this week I legit need to see you in person. Things have gotten a bit out of control regarding my weight loss and eating habits and its kinda freaking me out. I'm back to the Goldfish crackers, chicken noodle soup no broth diet which is never a good sign.

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Default Apr 11, 2022 at 04:28 PM
  #38
Dear T: Thanks for checking in on me today. I feel really terrible right now, and don’t know what to do with it. Wed night is so far away.
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Default Apr 11, 2022 at 06:12 PM
  #39
Do you still have the little turtle I gave you? I don't remember if I ever saw it on the sand play shelves or not but I have to believe that I did, because it's the perfect size. And you know, I think it wants to be used for that purpose. Anyway I quite unexpectedly received a new little stone turtle in the mail today - it's like I have my turtle back and another little connection to you as well.
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Default Apr 11, 2022 at 07:21 PM
  #40
Dear K,

I hope you like the card that I sent you. I know I should really send them to other people too, and I will try, but I guess I'm just not in that place right now, and I don't want to censor myself. I hope you'll understand.

Miss you.
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