Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIV

Dear T,

It's funny, you know. As I was hoovering today I just had a fleeting thought about our session tomorrow and I envisaged myself just sat there, chatting to you normally, telling you about my past. Able to converse and look at you. Able to open up and let things out. Just getting on with the work that we have to do.

And then I remembered.... I don't do that. I can't do that. Somewhere inside me the wiring is all shot. As much as I can see myself doing it, I can't. I just crumble into this pathetic thing who can't look at you. Can't properly talk to you. Who shuts down, gets mad and dissociates at even the slightest hint of this stuff.

Ah well, we can but try I suppose.

Dear T and E: You guys were great tonight, but I still feel so on the edge. I wish I was seeing one of you tomorrow

Dear T,
Please be kind and supportive in your reply tomorrow. And please respond before I have to leave to take D to my parents' in late morning.
Love,
LT

L,
I'm so so glad we're actually on the same path now. You don't know what a huge relief it is. I've been trying so hard for so long to get you to understand, and it turns out that you do! At least somewhat. I was only searching for words for you. I have all the words I need. But if you are grasping everything, then we're on the right track! Phew! So much relief from the anxiety.

I love you L!

How do you put the unspeakable into words?
I've never been comfortable expressing anger, and now I have to get comfortable quickly.
There's a hummed part in the song that I just sent you...most of the time humming is meaningless, but I feel like it means something here.

Dear T,
Apparently I was concerned needlessly about your response to that one line in my email (though maybe you're addressing it in session Thursday? Hoping my apology was enough so that you don't have to bring it up). Thanks for such a thorough, empathetic, and long response, though it wasn't exactly the most optimistic! Then again, you're more a realist (leaning toward pessimist), and I don't think a fully optimistic response here would have been helpful anyway.

Thanks for being there with me through this. This is likely going to be a tough couple weeks between now and getting the full results at the end of the month.

Love,
LT

P.S. I hope you don't charge me for the email, though I understand if you do.

Hey T...

Thanks for being a sensible buddy and affirming you really don't mind using your authority as a psychologist to help me if I get dismissed. I hope you liked the tea bags I gave you.

Hopefully tomorrow I'll get effective pain meds and a referral if appropriate. I also hope your suggestion for my other upcoming medical appointment works.

Being assertive feels so "wrong" given how I've been taught, but those who taught me that are heavily invested in me believing them, over reclaiming my self worth and autonomy.

So many years of needless pain due to inadequate medical and psychiatric care. I wish I had understood earlier just how wrong particular people in my life were, and that their words of "caring", "common sense", "familial love" and "friendship" really didn't match their actions.

Help me, T’s. I am falling.

Dear T,

What is mental health? What does it mean? I always struggle to define it.

Dear T,

Yes, I feel stupid. I feel stupid and pathetic and useless and idiotic when it comes to me being able to talk about stuff. Because I can't do it. Thank you for answering my "why can't I do it" question today, and for hinting at the fact that it isn't my fault. That I'm not those things. That it's just my instinctive reaction to the current situation.

I think I get it, but it doesn't help me feel any less stupid. Or useless. I'll refrain from using the word retard, but only because I don't think anyone should ever be called that. And I guess that includes me. Despite it being how I feel.

I work so damn hard to try and overcome this. I'm grateful for your positivity that I will get there, but I'll withhold my judgement, for now.

I just feel like giving up when every single week I come and every single week it's the same. Sat there, facing away from you, unsettled, anxious, unable to talk. I know we get there eventually, like today, but it's just such a slog, and I miss having K to do this work with.

At least with her I knew that she didn't think I was all the things I think of myself. With you I can only imagine that as soon as I leave you sigh a sigh of relief and mutter to yourself "f***ing hell, what is wrong with her"

Oh, I REALLY hope you didn't give me COVID too!! Also hope you'll be ok. See you in a couple of weeks all being well.

Gosh, I'm a big huge dumdum.

Dear K,

Did you know you're pretty awesome? I might actually text you that in a few days. Who doesn't need to be told that!! Just thinking back on the work we did and who you were to me. God I struck gold when I found you.

dear e: I am only writing this inhere, b ecaise I refuse to write you 3 emails in a week, a week! this I pathetic.

wait: I never wrote what I wanted to say, Iam waiting for you to tell me that I email too much, that I am too needy. a burden. I can't do that to you, ok? I know so far you have been reassuring that I am not too much, and if writing helps, keep doing it. but WHAT IF it DOES overwhelm you? see there is always the other show to drop.

also t, thanks for trying to connect with me feve if it wasn't a phone call.

anxiety, it is a biotch,

Thanks for getting back to me but it was at 10:30PM. I guess you think we have the same sleep schedule too. I had been asleep for hours and didn't see it until an hour later at 11:30. I replied so hopefully you get it.

Thanks for that confirmation email. I don't feel bad since you've done this twice recently and as of tonight I still don't feel good. When you emailed me at 10:30 last night and said you had a 6PM slot open for tommorow I thought that sounded interesting. I wonder how I'll be with therapy at 6PM in the evening when thats normally the time I'm asleep. I want you to see all sides of me so you can get a full idea of who I am as a person.

Still miss you..

L,
I'm scared. I really need you.

well, after a breakdown, I wrote you. I'm sorry.

2 days in a row my NaPoWriMo entry is not about you/'us'. They are pathetic excuses for poetry, perhaps, but still, yay me.

Dear T - I am doubting (again) the value of continuing with you, so I decided to do a pros and cons list of sticking with therapy. I came up with six reasons why I should stay and only one why I should pack it in. Seems pretty conclusive. So why don't I feel better about it?
Maybe because I still feel like you are second best. Not your fault, you are just a very different person to ex-T and I don't think anyone could come close.

Dear ex-T - Will I ever stop missing you? Grieving for you? I wish you were still here. Thinking about you hurts. But trying not to think about you hurts as well.

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