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Old 08-10-2022, 03:14 PM   #821
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Default Re: Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIV

That was kinda an odd comment you made when you said "do you feel like if people of that nationailty are eating at that resturant then the food is authentic?"

I honestly don't know what we were even talking about.
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Old 08-10-2022, 03:56 PM   #822
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Default Re: Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIV

Dear T,
I miss you.
Love,
LT
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Old 08-10-2022, 04:32 PM   #823
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Default Re: Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIV

I am feeling fragile, emotionally fragile. My guess is that the transition from Inpatient Hospitalization to the real world has not been entirely smooth. Last time I was hospitalized, I had no trouble jumping right back into the real world, but, unfortunately that is not the case this time.

This time it is almost like I could have used a buffer period. Where I went to work part of the day for a few days and then stayed home for part of the day. I don't know how practical that would be to actually work out in the workplace.


To go from Inpatient Hospitalization--where all the decisions are made for you and you are entirely dependent on others for all your needs--to the real world where one has to pull it together and act cool, confident, and in control--well it is quite the act to make that seem as though it were the case.


Perhaps there may be some overwhelm in my system. I am guessing here, but it might be so. Usually I can be very high functioning and manage quite fine in the real world. This time though, it seems much more difficult.

I think I am being overly sensitive. Aside from that I think I am being overly critical of myself. I keep having these feelings of shame, disappointment and embarrassment that I had to go to the hospital again. Somehow it got out around Church that I was in the hospital. I don't know if people knew it was the psych hospital, but I received a card from four ladies who hang out together, and some texts from people. While these things should make me feel good, I feel randomly violated that it came out that I was hospitalized. Is violated the right word? I looked it up. The online dictionary says that one meaning is: failure to respect a person's peace, privacy or rights. Yes, I think that is a good definition. I don't know why I am feeling this way. Baffling. I am pretty open about my mental health struggles.


Today I have come close to tears a few times, and I am not a crier so that is a warning sign to me, only I'm not sure what the warning is about. I haven't actually cried. But I've gotten teary eyed.


Part of me that wants to self harm wants to punish me for having to go to the hospital. Sigh. I know that the hospital was a good choice and a good option. But that is head knowledge. The emotions do what they want. Part of me that wants to self harm is saying, "hey, I'm not doing the greatest still. Let's not just act like everything is okay." Even though that is what I am doing, acting like everything is okay. And some stuff is legitimately better: the suicidal thoughts for example. But it isn't a magic pill or something, going to the hospital. It doesn't automatically change everything for a person. The struggle is still very much real. The battle still wages.xoxoxo Kit
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Old 08-10-2022, 04:49 PM   #824
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Default Re: Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIV

Hugs, Kit....
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Old 08-10-2022, 06:36 PM   #825
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Default Re: Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIV

How can a person be what theyíre not and why would they want to? Itís in my DNA. Can a twin not twin? I donít try to twin. I am a twin. I donít do it, I am it. Sounds unhealthy but a twin would hear me and sometimes you do. I know no other way and not convinced itís possible. Not sure I want to know another way.

New ground. Help me T. It hurts.


I know you know. It hurts.
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Old 08-10-2022, 09:07 PM   #826
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Default Re: Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIV

I think writing to you tonight staved off some SH. Thanks in advance, because I know you will respond wonderfully.
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Old Yesterday, 07:05 AM   #827
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Default Re: Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIV

i was just thinking how this cbt thing i'm doing seems like it's going to be helpful and already has been in one situation. i hope there's more actual helpful stuff to come. at the moment though, not having had very much sleep again, my brain is full of anxious thoughts and i'm trying the 3 c's thing but getting stuck at the 'catching'. i notice them but before i can move to the next step they take ahold of me and i start the mile-a-minute catastrophizing. I'd stopped it when I said f-it and got out of bed at 3:30am and took a shower, got dressed, bla bla bla but now it's back. It's almost like even though I like the action-oriented, time-limited-ness of this program, ever since the call with my coach the other day I miss talking with you again. Meh.
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Old Yesterday, 03:37 PM   #828
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Default Re: Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIV

I do honestly like working with you. Of the therapists I've had since moving here you have been the best and have said the least weird things. I feel like I just need to try a bit harder. Today was rough physically so I'm not sure its just a therapy thing.
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Old Yesterday, 03:54 PM   #829
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Default Re: Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIV

Dear T,
I hope this migraine is mostly gone by tomorrow for our session (though I imagine I'll still have some brain-fuzziness, as this one was worse than they have been lately for some reason). Well, and that you return (or have returned) safely.
Love,
LT
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Old Yesterday, 03:59 PM   #830
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Default Re: Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIV

LT, I hope your migraine feels better soon! I get migraines and they suck! Boo. Migraine go away! Leave our dear LT alone!
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Old Yesterday, 04:12 PM   #831
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Default Re: Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIV

I almost want to text you to ask you to call me, T.

But I can wait until my appointment on Sunday.

So I wait, somewhat impatiently.
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Old Yesterday, 04:21 PM   #832
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Default Re: Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIV

Quote:
Originally Posted by SlumberKitty View Post
LT, I hope your migraine feels better soon! I get migraines and they suck! Boo. Migraine go away! Leave our dear LT alone!

Aw, thanks, Kit! I have MaxAlt (a triptan), which usually works, but it's not helping this one as much for some reason. I could take a second dose, but I'm trying to hold out as much as possible, as I can't take more than 2 in 24 hours. Caffeine helped a little.
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Old Yesterday, 04:24 PM   #833
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Default Re: Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIV

Dear T,

Sometimes it's really hard to figure out what's going on with me.... R keeps saying tonight that I'm acting really 'strange'. Very very quiet and sullen. Upset. I don't think I feel upset though. But I know something did bother me today. Someone snapped and lashed out at me, not physically but verbally, and I know it shook me. Maybe it is still shaking me. I struggled to tell him but I did when I got home, and he kind of brushed it off, things like that don't upset him the same way as me. Might be useful to talk about it.
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Old Yesterday, 04:26 PM   #834
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Default Re: Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIV

Quote:
Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight View Post
Aw, thanks, Kit! I have MaxAlt (a triptan), which usually works, but it's not helping this one as much for some reason. I could take a second dose, but I'm trying to hold out as much as possible, as I can't take more than 2 in 24 hours. Caffeine helped a little.
I hear you, LT

I take sumatriptan (Generic for Imitrex) and sometimes I have to take a second dose, but like you I can't take more than 2 in 24 hours. I had a migraine when I was at the hospital. It started in the ER and then lasted two days because no one would give me sumatriptan. Only Tylenol. Well Tylenol did nothing for the migraine and just gave me an upset stomach. I was so sick. Finally my Dad brought the sumatriptan down for me to where I was in LA (about 1.5 hours away from me) and then it had to go through pharmacy, and then the doctor had to order it. Ugh. The whole thing was horrible and unnecessary. I finally got the sumatriptan on Thursday afternoon and it worked within 2 hours. I was so mad.

But back to you. Ignore my rant there. I don't know if you could step away from the computer (as sometimes the brightness of the screen messes with me), and lay in a dark room, with either an ice pack or a heating pad, (I use either depending on what works). Try to sleep through the worst of it, if you can. Are you having nausea? Maybe take a little something to settle your stomach. Yes, caffeine helps a little but it's not enough on it's own.

HUGS. I hope you feel better soon! Kit
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Old Yesterday, 05:03 PM   #835
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Default Re: Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIV

Quote:
Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight View Post
Dear T,
I hope this migraine is mostly gone by tomorrow for our session (though I imagine I'll still have some brain-fuzziness, as this one was worse than they have been lately for some reason). Well, and that you return (or have returned) safely.
Love,
LT

hope you feel better, LT. my mom gets migraines and she told me one time there's a pressure point on your palm between the base of your thumb and your index finger, I wish I knew the exact word for it, that my dad used to apply pressure to for her that would ease her headaches while she waited for her meds to work. have you heard of that?
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Old Yesterday, 05:11 PM   #836
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Default Re: Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIV

Migraine Pressure Points: Ear, Hand, Foot, and Other Locations

This might be what Artie is talking about LT so, Artie, I hope you don't mind that I am piggy backing off of you! HUG

My mom had a big book on reflexology and was pretty big into it when she had migraines as well. Might be worth a shot. HUGS Kit
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Old Yesterday, 05:12 PM   #837
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Default Re: Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIV

E: I most likely wonít hear from you by our session tomorrow. Itís okay, really, but my anxious brain will not stop checking my email every 20 minutes.

Edit: Aww thanks 😊
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Old Today, 10:19 AM   #838
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Default Re: Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIV

I got those colored tomatos you said you saw at the store. And I've lost almost all of the 5 pounds I gained that I said I wanted to lose by my vacation on Tuesday. You said it would be basically a starvation diet but I've been eating stuff.

I just sent you an email. Because I forgot to tell you I am legally changing my name 2 days before our next session. So I don't think it would be very good if I went in and just said "so I changed my name legally 2 days ago." I swear these tic tacs and Slim Fasts are turning my brain to sludge. Or else its the new med because I have my days and dates all mixed up. I literally looked at my calender and saw the date was a Tuesday and not a Friday and I was like "**** I need to email her."

You still havent emailed me yet but you normally don't until the end of the day so I'm not worried.
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Old Today, 12:31 PM   #839
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Default Re: Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIV

Dear T,
I'm sorry about that. I probably shouldn't have mentioned it, or at least not at the end. Though...then I felt sort of stuck reassuring you? What am I supposed to say to "She's probably a better therapist than me"?

I think part of this is that I maybe hoped you'd just say, when I mentioned handshakes, that you'd decided you were OK with them, maybe with certain conditions or maybe after your next trip. So I thought there was a chance we could today, but I didn't say that. And I didn't want to come out and ask, for fear you'd say, "no, not now, and not ever again!" But I imagine you'd have wanted me to actually ask again.... I also would have felt really awkward going into all the meaning behind them that I'd discussed with R, only to have you say "nope!" Maybe we'll have that discussion Monday, what I talked about with her. (Hm, I suppose I could ask before the discussion if you'd made a decision?)

I also just had the realization that maybe some of this is that I feel R is someone else who cares about me (even if I don't see her that often) and with whom I feel safe. And so I don't want to feel that's limited to like 4 or 5 times a year. Like, I can have one or the other of you. But to know I could potentially consult with her, at other times, even if I don't ever pursue that, gives me some sense of security, of safety. I'm not sure if that would make sense to you, but it does to me.

I may end up emailing you--I'll see how I'm feeling a bit later. I know tomorrow is Saturday, but, like you said, today was the first day of your work week. So I feel less bad emailing you--plus I didn't while you were away. I do wonder, too, if some of this was just my holding it all in while you were gone, not wanting to admit to you today that, even though I hadn't reached out, I did really miss you. And then you'll be going away again relatively soon (though I'm glad you were able to schedule me so that I'm definitely seeing you twice that week).
Love,
LT
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Old Today, 01:20 PM   #840
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Default Re: Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIV

Of course I meant seeing you on the 25th...not just 'speaking' to you.

Slip up I really didn't mean to make.

Trying to take it all one moment at a time right now.
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