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velcro003
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Default Aug 12, 2022 at 07:13 PM
  #841
Thanks for being there for me E, during a hard day. I have a feeling I will end up emailing you this weekend. It was interesting to note that you noticed (out loud) things going on with my body. Sorry I didn’t answer any of those questions. I have a hard time knowing what my body “wants” in a hard moment.
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Default Aug 12, 2022 at 07:16 PM
  #842
Dear T,
I was probably more apologetic than I should have been in that email, but really, it's more important that things are OK between us than trying to get you to understand why I might want to see R a couple other times in the year besides when you're away. I can try to explain that later, if I so choose. Maybe it was all just a reaction to your being away. Maybe I'm triangulating as a way of sort of fighting back. I don't know. But it's not very long before my vacation (even though we'll be meeting virtually once or twice then) and then your trip. So I'd rather have things feel OK in the therapeutic relationship now, then maybe address other stuff once those are over.

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Default Aug 12, 2022 at 07:52 PM
  #843
Dear T,
It means a lot that you wrote back tonight. Thank you.
Love,
LT
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Default Aug 12, 2022 at 08:54 PM
  #844
T: I hope you are having a wonderful vacation. I'm sad you are gone next week too. At least I have E!
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Default Aug 13, 2022 at 05:43 AM
  #845
I had one of those panic attacks that I mistake for actually dying last night. It was really sudden, I wasn't doing anything. I got up to pee and didn't even make it to the stairs, thought maybe I should tell M to call an ambulance. He helped me upstairs and I went to bed. Then the baby was up all night so I'm extra exhausted today. Also I wish this heat would piss off.
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Default Aug 13, 2022 at 10:05 AM
  #846
Dear T,
Even though I hate that you went away, I think more than that I’m glad you’re refreshed. You seem to have something you didn’t before you left. Idk. I am glad for it.
Restating some of the things you did make me feel safer. I like that you feel further away now as I need the structure more than ever. Also you feel closer as you’re so straight up expressive of your feelings. Maybe, I can go away and stay with you perhaps instead of running away like a part of me wants to do.. Still feel shaky and a bit lost.
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Default Aug 13, 2022 at 10:12 AM
  #847
T, I’m tired and will keep going. Messed up when you were gone.
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Default Aug 13, 2022 at 05:19 PM
  #848
I never got a reply from you but it was mid morning on a friday and I don't know your schedule. I'll probably get something on Monday. You haven't left me hanging with an email before. But my brother in law lost a ton of weight due to stress and its been a bit triggering for me. I just want to lose more weight.

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Default Aug 13, 2022 at 05:36 PM
  #849
Sometimes this whole interpersonal thing is just SO hard. I messed up this evening, was supposed to be out at an event but got the dates wrong. I thought it was next weekend. Anyway, I felt disappointed and a bit silly, so told R how I was feeling but he seriously doesnt respond how I need him to sometimes, and there seems very little point in doing anything in return, especially when it is late and he is really struggling with the heat. So I just retreat. And feel.... Annoyed? Unseen? It's hard putting yourself out there and not being seen. That's the biggest reason I totally shut down in the past. I know he doesn't do it on purpose, he just doesn't get it sometimes. But it doesn't help knowing that, really. I still feel... I don't know... Trodden on?
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Default Aug 13, 2022 at 05:57 PM
  #850
Actually, I think I'm quite annoyed with myself for messing the dates up as I would have liked to go. As hard as it would have been I did want to try to go, and now I can't. And being annoyed with myself is a difficult emotion for me. A really difficult one. Because it means that I let myself down. Not something I'm used to doing. When you spend so many years feeling like the only person you can rely on is yourself, you get pretty good at being there for you, for getting things right. This whole 'being human' malarky is quite new to me, because I had basically turned into a robot. K and I did a whole load of work on this, and I would say I'm much more human now. I can see that it definitely has its upsides, but it also has its downsides, and I'm experiencing that tonight.
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Default Aug 13, 2022 at 07:59 PM
  #851
Sometimes when it rains and I'm sitting quietly watching the light show in the sky not really thinking about anything in particular, that old fantasy comes 'round to visit, where I used to imagine just sitting with you and watching a storm... laying my head on your shoulder... such a peaceful bit of fantasy, and my heart feels a little bit of that old longing, and I miss what we were in the before.
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Default Aug 14, 2022 at 12:51 AM
  #852
T,

I feel terrible when I feel so angry towards you. I know why I'm angry but I thought we repaired that. I guess nope.
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Default Aug 14, 2022 at 10:20 AM
  #853
I'm struggling T. I wish you weren't going away again. I need you. I don't know how to deal with this on my own.
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Default Aug 14, 2022 at 12:31 PM
  #854
Dear T,

You said I could text you (sparingly) while you’re on vacation but I’m not texting you, I’m not texting you.
You are SO lenient! I appreciate it!
But I need to learn to function without you.
Yet, it kinda feels like I’m in withdrawal…
I think I may text sometimes bc I am lonely.

Have a good, restful vacation, T!
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Default Aug 14, 2022 at 05:00 PM
  #855
My mom said my pdoc probably won't even notice my weight loss. I can always just blame it on muscle or fat distrbution though. Its not even really his meds that are causing the loss of appetite and therefore making it easier to diet and lose weight. Its my stomach med that my gastro doctor prescribed. But after our last session where he got pissed at me I'm not sure what to expect. Maybe he won't care and he'll just be glad the Prestiq is working out. Idk.

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Default Aug 14, 2022 at 08:52 PM
  #856
I know that the rain is a good thing but I rather wish it would wait til I'm asleep because it has been making me miss you and wishing that I felt like I could call you even just to say 'hi'. I miss you, dammit.
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Default Aug 14, 2022 at 09:18 PM
  #857
Dear T,

Ugh, really stressing about D's positive test. I really wish I could still see you in person this week, but obviously I can't. Sorry for the longer email--I should have just said the basics without the second paragraph. I guess it's good we didn't assume it was allergies. Just worried about the effect on vacation and...well, everything. And D is crying instead of sleeping because she doesn't want to be stuck at home.

And of course I'm worrying this was somehow my fault...especially if it gets my parents or MIL sick or ruins the vacation.

Bet you'll be like, "Well, I made the right decision about the handshake!" Sigh...probably pointless to talk about that now.

Love,
LT
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Default Aug 15, 2022 at 03:42 AM
  #858
Hi R,

Thank you for understanding why I emailed, and saying that you'll be thinking of me.
I like that turn of phrase 'Ignite that reassuring voice'...so important for me to do, and yet it's the remembering to do it.

Look forward to seeing you in 10 days' time.

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Default Aug 15, 2022 at 04:40 AM
  #859
T, I miss you. I know I’ll see you in two days, and it hasn’t really been all that long. But I miss you.
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Default Aug 15, 2022 at 05:21 AM
  #860
Maternity leave officially over. First time back in work this evening. I'm sick at the thought of it, trying everything to cope but I just feel worse the closer it gets.
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