[RTerroni]

I was going to wait until I got back into Therapy to make my first post on here in over 6 years but I though that this needed attention.

For the last few weeks I have felt incredible distance from a former Therapist of mine who now lives over 1000 miles away from me. Even though she moved around 5 years ago (and I found out about it not long afterwards), and I stopped seeing her about 5 years before that, for some reason I am feeling incredible distance-ness from her knowing that she is no longer anywhere near me. I wonder why it is happening to me now and why I didn't feel it much when I found out that she moved away. Maybe it is because I have been trying very hard (without much success) to get back into Therapy. I have been out of Therapy for almost 3 years and desperately want to get back into it. I guess since I saw her for by far the longest than I did with any other Therapist I am starting to feel the distance-ness. I know she is gone and has been gone for years but for some reason I am feeling really depressed about it right now.

[wheeler]

Before COVID my therapist lived in my community. In fact her office was right across the street where I worked. Because of COVID we went to virtual. For 2 years we worked that way and I grew accustomed to it, in fact there were some positives.
This past spring we were going to go back to in person. However at point she told me she had moved 6 months ago. I was crushed. I felt tricked. Not only did she move 2 hours away and we would never go back to in person. The hardest part was her not living in the community.

I talked to her about this and she couldn’t understand why I was so bothered by her moving from our community. She said what has changed? We’ve been doing virtual for 2 years and we would just continue that way.

I still feel the distance and it’s been nearly a year.

You’re not alone

[RTerroni]

I think we feel some attachments to our Therapists. I can remember back in 2017 when I first found out that she had moved away and I felt a little sad but I guess since I hadn't seen her since late 2012 and because I was currently in Therapy with someone else I guess it didn't mean much to me than. I briefly mentioned to my Therapist at the time that she had moved away but that was about it. But now that I have been out of Therapy for so long (even before COVID started for completely unrelated reasons), I am missing her more than ever.

[SlumberKitty]

AFAIK my former therapist (who was my therapist of 10 years) hasn't moved away but she used to respond to my emails and texts. Not like every time but maybe every 3rd one. Now she never responds. Not that I write her everyday or something. Maybe once every two months. I feel the distance too and it hurts. It feels like losing her again all over again. (We stopped because she got MS. I went to a different therapist. She eventually went back to working. I wanted to go back to her but she told me no, that she couldn't be the therapist I needed her to be.) That is pretty much the last time she has spoken to me. I am still grieving her loss. I haven't seen her in probably 4 years or something like that. Going on 4 years I think. But the pain that her silence causes me is enormous. I texted her yesterday out of desperation and I even said, I doubt you will respond, but I hoped against hope that she would. She didn't. If I cried, I would have cried my eyes out but I don't cry much at all. I don't think you are alone in the grief for your therapist who has moved away. Sometimes grief is strange. It hits at strange times. It's awkwardly painful as well. HUGS to you if wanted, Kit

[Quietmind 2]

I still miss my former therapist even though I've been with my current for several years. She was the first person to showed me non judgmental kindness and compassion.

I know she works at the clinic where I see my psychiatrist and that hurts, however irrationally it may seem. Plus she knows my current therapist.

I sent her 2 emails, each years apart. In the first, I asked if she still remembers me, and she replied that she does. She didn't reply to the second one.

My life is going really badly for unrelated reasons, and I have a deep attachment to my current therapist, but I still think of my former therapist once in a while.

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by RTerroni

I was going to wait until I got back into Therapy to make my first post on here in over 6 years but I though that this needed attention.

For the last few weeks I have felt incredible distance from a former Therapist of mine who now lives over 1000 miles away from me. Even though she moved around 5 years ago (and I found out about it not long afterwards), and I stopped seeing her about 5 years before that, for some reason I am feeling incredible distance-ness from her knowing that she is no longer anywhere near me. I wonder why it is happening to me now and why I didn't feel it much when I found out that she moved away. Maybe it is because I have been trying very hard (without much success) to get back into Therapy. I have been out of Therapy for almost 3 years and desperately want to get back into it. I guess since I saw her for by far the longest than I did with any other Therapist I am starting to feel the distance-ness. I know she is gone and has been gone for years but for some reason I am feeling really depressed about it right now.

[Dannii91]

Originally Posted by Quietmind 2

I still miss my former therapist even though I've been with my current for several years. She was the first person to showed me non judgmental kindness and compassion.

Same here!! Despite the fact that my current therapist is amazing, I still miss my very first therapist who left 7 Cups of Tea 3 years ago. I think that you never forget the first amazing therapist you have no matter what happens. They’ll always be in our hearts!

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by SlumberKitty

AFAIK my former therapist (who was my therapist of 10 years) hasn't moved away but she used to respond to my emails and texts. Not like every time but maybe every 3rd one. Now she never responds. Not that I write her everyday or something. Maybe once every two months. I feel the distance too and it hurts. It feels like losing her again all over again. (We stopped because she got MS. I went to a different therapist. She eventually went back to working. I wanted to go back to her but she told me no, that she couldn't be the therapist I needed her to be.) That is pretty much the last time she has spoken to me. I am still grieving her loss. I haven't seen her in probably 4 years or something like that. Going on 4 years I think. But the pain that her silence causes me is enormous. I texted her yesterday out of desperation and I even said, I doubt you will respond, but I hoped against hope that she would. She didn't. If I cried, I would have cried my eyes out but I don't cry much at all. I don't think you are alone in the grief for your therapist who has moved away. Sometimes grief is strange. It hits at strange times. It's awkwardly painful as well. HUGS to you if wanted, Kit

Kit, since she refused to take you as a client why are you still reaching out to her? That does seem terribly painful.

[*Beth*]

Therapists tend to do weird things to our minds, such as making us feel dependent on them all of our lives. Sometimes it doesn't seem at all ethical to me.

[RTerroni]

Originally Posted by *Beth*

Therapists tend to do weird things to our minds, such as making us feel dependent on them all of our lives. Sometimes it doesn't seem at all ethical to me.

Very True, I think I have now gotten past it though, especially since I am now back in Therapy.

[Rive.]

Not ethical therapists - ethical therapists don't try to hook clients to make them dependent on them. Instead, they foster independence and the ability to garner support from the outside world.

The confusion, and ensuing pain, mostly come when there is blurring of boundaries.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Rive.

Not ethical therapists - ethical therapists don't try to hook clients to make them dependent on them. Instead, they foster independence and the ability to garner support from the outside world.

The confusion, and ensuing pain, mostly come when there is blurring of boundaries.

I didn't express my thought clearly.

By the very nature of the therapeutic process the patient/client has a natural need to become dependent upon the therapist, like a very young child to a parent. It follows that the more in need of help the client is when s/he seeks therapy, the more likely s/he will become extremely attached to the T. Since the therapist's job is to create an environment that is conducive to attachment, it's easy for the client to slip from attachment to dependence.

In my experience, not many therapists take the attachment/dependence process as seriously, and as responsibly, as they should.

[zoiecat]

Originally Posted by *Beth*

Since the therapist's job is to create an environment that is conducive to attachment, it's easy for the client to slip from attachment to dependence.

I have to disagree. I think the level of attachment from the client depends a lot of the diagnosis. BPD for one, is usually going to result in a high degree of attachment.

I also don't believe that the job of a T is to create an environment conducive to attachment. IMO an ethical T should always be teaching clients the skills to thrive independently (this includes teaching them to rely on outside people for support). If they notice a client getting overly attached, it is their job to set appropriate boundaries to prevent it from going to far. Allowing a client to get too attached or dependent is only going to result in pain for the client.

I know this is not a popular viewpoint on this forum because there are already a lot of people who are attached and dependent and the thought of a T tightening any boundaries is horrifying at this point, but that just proves my point. Therapy is not meant to last forever. An ethical T goal should always be to work themselves out of a job with each client. If they feel the need to be in T forever, then the T has failed to do their job.

[East17]

I am considering going back to a T from 10 years ago. This was a lady I worked with f2f and only stopped seeing her because my job finished and it was too far to commute (3 hour round trip not including session time). I wouldn't be able to do f2f sessions but she does provide telephone counselling. As fuel prices are now sky high, it makes travelling to f2f sessions a non-starter anyway, so rather than try again with a completely new T, am wondering whether to make contact with this lady and resume with her over the phone.


Or is this a bad idea? On the plus side we already know each other, but I'm wondering if it would be too awkward.

I'm kind of embarrassed that I still have unresolved issues 10 years on - think I just answered my own question.... It would be too awkward to go back to T1.

It's the security and connection with someone who really understood me and genuinely cared, that I'm craving; and I just realised this feeling is triggered by the fact that I'm missing and craving the relationship / connection with my ex-T who recently died.

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[ElectricManatee]

Fostering dependence only or independence only is black and white thinking. I allow my children to become very attached to me (in fact I encourage it) while also planning all the time for their eventual independence from me (which I also encourage by teaching them skills and giving them space to practice them). Some therapists work in similar ways, allowing for a secure attachment while recognizing that degree of closeness won't last forever (and for good reason). Not all therapists follow this approach, but there's nothing wrong with therapists who do, if they do it ethically and the client agrees that it's useful.

[ElectricManatee]

Originally Posted by East17

Or is this a bad idea? On the plus side we already know each other, but I'm wondering if it would be too awkward.

I'm kind of embarrassed that I still have unresolved issues 10 years on - think I just answered my own question.... It would be too awkward to go back to T1.

It's the security and connection with someone who really understood me and genuinely cared, that I'm craving; and I just realised this feeling is triggered by the fact that I'm missing and craving the relationship / connection with my ex-T who recently died.

I definitely think you should go back, at least to try it out. You have been through a lot with your former T, and it makes so much sense that you crave connection and security. My T was just talking about how a lot of people feel ashamed or self-conscious about how long they take to deal with something, and she seemed to think it just takes as long as it takes.

[SlumberKitty]

Originally Posted by *Beth*

Kit, since she refused to take you as a client why are you still reaching out to her? That does seem terribly painful.

Yeah, stupid transference I guess. She's the best T I ever had and her sometimes replying to me makes me hope that she will reply to me. I haven't written her in months. I don't plan to contact her until Christmas when I send her a card, though she never sends me one. I hope she still cares about me but I don't know.