Couch 237: Social Rules

Which is why the well-prepared client comes armed with a stake, in case they need to stab back.

Hugs if wanted, NP. My T will preface things like that, too, and it's like, "Oh, no..., now what?"

That seems like a really difficult thing to hear from him. I feel like friendship shifts as we get older. Right now, the two friends I talk to the most are online, like one lives multiple states away from me, the other overseas. Pre-Covid, I had friends I met with for lunch or dinner maybe once every couple months (one was more like once a year). And I'd text with them on occasion to catch up (I still do that part).

But it's so different from when I worked at this one job in my early 20s, and a group of us would go to happy hour every Friday, plus trivia night on Wednesdays, plus often have lunch together. Or in college, when I was in a dorm and would eat most meals with a friend or two in the dining hall.

So I get how it would be difficult to answer.

And yes, I'm married, but it's not like some ideal relationship where we're all best friends and that stuff.

I've also had some conflicts with my T about relying on him for things. I think specifically of this time when I was really freaking out about going to the doctor, because I'd had a rapid heartbeat at times, and I was scared they'd do my EKG and send me right to the ER. I think I'd emailed him the night before maybe? But he didn't reply in the morning before the appointment, so I ended up texting him. He did reply (I got it shortly after the appointment) with something supportive.

But then in the next session, he said that he wasn't the person I should be reaching out to for that sort of thing, that it should be my husband (I had talked to him, too!), a friend, relative, etc. And I felt very shamed for that. So I can imagine you may feel the same way. Especially as at times, I've thought our T's have had similar styles.

Oh, I completely agree with you. And I know he did talk to the consultation group about the whole thing with the stone years ago--where he found my getting comfort from holding a transitional object *that he had given me* to be somewhat creepy or weird if it represented him rather than the therapy space. And he basically said they agreed that he didn't need to explain his reaction to me and seemed to understand why he felt that way? So maybe they're all therapists who are quite like him!

If you couldn't guess, I'm also someone who is probably too given to reflection. And it definitely bothers me that Dr. T doesn't do more of that. If I say/do something that upsets someone, I'm going to spend time thinking about what happened there, trying to understand, and also take steps to make it right. Whereas he seems to think "Well, these are my feelings, so...." And/or assume the other person is just overreacting. There's also the consideration that something that may not seem like a big deal to him (like being told something he did irritated someone) could be a big deal to someone else due to triggers, sensitive areas, etc. As a therapist, you'd think he'd be extra sensitive to that!

Yes. A T could make a decision to not "cater to" (or whatever word one might use) a client's sensitivities, if they believed doing so was not in the client's best interests. (Whether one lets the T make that decision or not is for a different day.)

But it seems like he doesn't even understand THAT you're sensitive about things, or WHY you're sensitive about things... even though you've explained these same issues to him before and you've had similar reactions to similar events in the past. That is what really bothers me--if he cannot spot patterns in your reactions, how can he help you effectively plan and execute healthier or more functional responses?

I'm sure there are areas where he has helped you to identify patterns, or you wouldn't have stayed with him! (Am i right?) It's just that, when it comes to interactions with HIM, he has to be clobbered over the head with things.

Maybe the help you get from him is worth dealing with this issue. Only you can decide that. As you deal with repeated "dances" like this, though, it becomes a more and more pressing question.


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I think that one's sensitivities are one's own to figure out. I don't think expecting someone else to bother about them is going to work all that well. So, to me, the deal is not how to get the therapist to make sure they never said anything that might not be warm and fuzzy (the ones I hired never were warm and fuzzy so that would not be for me either) but rather the point would be figuring out how not to be reactive to others if it was interactions with others that were upsetting.

That's a very good point, SD!!!

And is LT's T helping her with this? If so, that's all to the good.

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This move has been horrible. I actually broke down crying. Some of the things: we were quoted 6 hours at $900, they took 14 hours and are charging us $3,200. H went nuts and was yelling and cursing at the movers. In the end, the movers dumped everything into the living room instead of putting them in each room. They put our bed too close to the bathroom door, so we can't get in there. H was been no stop arguing with me...

I could really use some hugs

I'm sorry the movers didn't keep their end of the bargain, Scarlet.
I'm also amazed that your H couldn't be respectful to them under the circumstances.
I hope you're able to find some way of moving the bed, so that you can use the bathroom.

HUGS Scarlet

I agree with this concept. LT, I know you get triggered when people do not respond in the way you want or exoect them too. I'm sure Dr. T knows how you want him to respond by now but that may not be an honest answer for him. If he were to only treat you with kid gloves all of the time he would only be hurting you in the end. Not everyone in life is going to respond the way you want; using the words and options you qoute in your posts. It is on both of you to help you learn to handle responses that are less than ideal. It seems like he may be doing this with you regarding D but havecyou asked him to help you with this in everyday life. If so that is great. If not, it may be something to bring up.

I am not judging your responses but let's face it. Life can suck and not everyone is going to act the way we want them to. We can't change others, we can only change how we respond. I have lived a life full of trauma and have triggers about everything. My T says I was dealt a bad hand and it sucks, it will take a lot of hard work but I am the only one that can do it. Unfortunately he can only provide guidance , but he nor anyone else can do it for me.

Hugs to you, Scarlet... I hope things get better with the move. It seems like you should be able to dispute the mover charge in some way, if they agreed to one price and took longer. And sorry your H is partly taking it out on you...

I'll reply to some specific posts in a bit, but just wanted to share that my session with Dr. T today involved a really good discussion of the conflict that happened between us. It feels from my end like we both really listened to what the other had to say and were very respectful of each other. There were a few difficult things that I wanted to share, but I was worried about how he would take them (and I admitted that I knew one of them was selfish). And he encouraged me to share them and handled them well. Might post in In Session Today, we'll see.

And in a way to let me know that he is in the office that day without me feeling like I need to text, he asked, "Can't you just look for my car in the lot?" Me: "But I don't know which car is yours? You said you drive a Prius, but it's a big lot, and about half of the cars in our county are Priuses, so...." He then told me his wife had actually claimed the Prius from him, so he's driving their old RAV4 SUV in a fairly unusual color* and said where he usually parks in the lot. Me: "I didn't think you'd be comfortable telling me that?" Dr. T: "I was giving it a moment, and it tastes OK to me." (Meaning it feels OK.) Me: "I'm not going to be looking for your car in random parking lots or anything." Dr. T: "I know."

*He told me what it was, just not mentioning on the crazy chance someone lives in this area and knows him.

I had texted my therapist mid last week, Thursday maybe, with all the symptoms I was having. She responded but it wasn't particularly helpful. But I also didn't say what would be helpful. Then over the weekend on Saturday she texted me and asked me if I was okay. But I had my friends memorial service that day and some other stuff and I just basically ignored all texts that day. Then the next day she texted me again asking if I was okay. So I felt bad and responded. I told her that I was just anxious and agitated now. She said she got her second Covid booster and had been sleeping ever since! But she thanked me for getting back to her. It's weird to have a T check up on me. It's sort of like, I'll reach out if I need it but otherwise assume all is good. I guess I need to tell her that, but you know, that would involve being assertive or something. Hmm. Not my strong suit.

HUGS, Kit.

I think it's encouraging that your T would reach out to you when she knows you're having a hard time. Maybe there's some work to be done on allowing yourself to receive kindness?

Hoping you're feeling a little better,

Lost

Thank you, Lost.

Yes, it was kind of her. I just found it bewildering. But I find a lot of social interactions bewildering so I could chalk it up to that. But you do have a point to allowing myself to accept kindness. It's so engrained in me to take care of myself that it is foreign to me when someone else tries to take care of me in any sort of way. But it would be a healthy thing to develop.

Thank you for the hugs my friend. Hugs for you too! And yeah, I am feeling quite a bit better so far this week (It is only Monday!)

LT, I'm glad that your T appointment went well and that Dr. T listened to you and it sounds like he was empathetic. He also trusted you with a key piece of information about him! That's awesome!

I'm one to talk about accepting kindness...I'm absolutely terrible at it.

Thanks for the hugs, Kit.

Please can we have a Kit's kitties update?

Lol. My kitties are doing good. Except tomorrow is the one year anniversary of when I said goodbye to my sweet Esther. But I am trying to look forward to the 12th of June which is the one year anniversary of Helen coming to live with us. I feel like Esther sent me Helen. Amelia is still skittish but lately when she is laying on a cushion on a table in the backyard patio, she will usually stay there for several minutes and let me pet on her. If she moves around too much then I know she isn't really wanting to be pet on. If I keep doing it, she will get down, but if I back off then she will continue to lay there. I got to pet her for about 5 consecutive minutes the other day which had to be a record! She is a medium haired cat and she is shedding a lot right now. My Mom keeps washing her blankets almost every day but it seems like it is a losing battle. She is staying in the yard more, although I did see her crossing the street the other day. Silly kitty. I just hope she doesn't get ran over! Helen is doing good. She is a sassy bossy little thing who loves my Dad to pieces. I get a little jealous because she will sit with him but she doesn't sit with me that often. And after I get up in the morning and cuddle on her, then she goes into my parents room and lays with them on their bed until I come get her for breakfast. She loves these balls that I got for her that are on circular tracks. She will spin those balls around fast. She squats down, shakes her butt, and then springs forward at them. It's really cute. I should try to video it. She's such a ham. She loves this particular blue blanket of mine so I have given it up to her. My Mom was like, but that's one of your favorite blankets. I was like, but she's one of my favorite cats! She has claimed it as her own. I will have to take some new pictures of my babies and post them soon.

HUGS, Kit. From your posts here, it sounds like Esther had a wonderful life with you. I wouldn't be at all surprised if she whispered in Helen's ear...

Cats tend to make their own rules, from what little I know. Especially around food and cosy blankets. I hope Amelia has acquired some street smarts, and stays safe.

Will be thinking of you and Esther tomorrow.

Thank you Lost. I had 16 and a half wonderful years with my Esther and I totally believe she led me to Helen at the shelter. She fits perfectly in my heart, along with my Amelia.

HUGS.