Couch 237: Social Rules

Hugs, Kit. I'm glad you were able to have a session last night. and that it was helpful. I'm sorry that you don't remember it but I think sometimes it's just that caring presence (even virtual or on the phone) alone that's enough.

Hahaha. Or:

Him [looking at phone]: "Oh no!"
Me: "What? Is it the fawn? Is everything OK?"
Him: "It's nothing."

And thanks.

Oh, I remember that! A cow is funnier than a deer!


And it makes me think of how maybe a year ago I was telling Dr. T how I'd rescued a bird caught under some gardening mesh thing, and he said he'd rescued one similarly the week before (perhaps I need to keep my eye out for deer).

I don't life is worth living in a vacuum. I do not believe there is any intrinsic value in life. But once you are here - then you have to make your own purpose. As adults it can be harder to make friends but not impossible. It takes a willingness to go out and take risks. One can have hobbies. I like to dabble in things myself. Right now - hiking (new body parts so excitement over moving again). I take the dogs to agility and sheepherding, I bike, I cook, I volunteer to sort through donations to the large immigrant population we have flooding in right now, I volunteer at our local barn animal rescue = that sort of thing. I find it fills the day in pleasant ways. Which in my world, for life to be okay, is enough

I'm having a face-palm moment at work today. I don't know why it took me so long to figure this one thing out and I'm feeling really dumb right now. It's so obvious now that I see it.

Im a big fan of inertia. It would take a lot of energy to change direction. Altho frankly at my age i AM heading in "that" direction.

Life wants to live. Look at how a weed comes up thru a crack in the sidewalk. Its too hard to overcome that, in my lazy opinion!

At an outdoor praise and worship event right now, hopefully things will go well, no severe weather expected tonight unlike last year.

I am super awkward and find it difficult interacting with people so besides my adult children i dont really have any other humans but i have my pets and my hobbies and i find the act of creating my paintings and little clay animals fulfilling. When i am depressed i think is it really worth it? am i just taking up space? But in the end I think i am taking this time to discover who I am after 50+ years of trying to be another person for my firstly my mother and then my ex. I am also on a disability pension so i dont work.
I have always preferred my own company so i cant really say what it would be like to want interaction with others.

If recording isn't an option (I recorded my sessions for a long time, until I stopped, and my memory is still very bad) and since you and her email, maybe you can ask for a session summary via email?

I do that with my T, and it helps both of us track my memory issues too. Memory issues can definitely "slow" your progress sometimes because it's difficult to learn new things, connect the dots etc. Dissociation is an important issue for her to work with you too.

HUGS if wanted.

I'm not sure what keeps me going, beyond my partner, my T and others who'd grieve. Sometime back, I asked her what's the point, because I couldn't imagine an okay future. I could only imagine a really really bleak future.

My T once said to imagine myself at 80 and reflecting on my life. She thinks such questions can be discussed in therapy, and sometimes we do do. Very Acceptance and Commitment Therapy.

I've always answered with "I want to have a sense of purpose to my life, to make a positive difference in my small corner of the world"... but I can quickly spiral into existential dread and end up shaking with terror in my bed. Plus be unsure how to achieve that because it feels so vague?

Daf i relate to so much of what you say. I spent so much of my life thinking, "this isnt the real me." It's nice to give it time and space and see who i am and what i do.

QM thats why i like karma - all you have to do is put your good stuff out into the world. Thats all that matters. Remember Van Gogh died penniless and unappreciated. So its not about being recognized.

I am seriously thinking of quitting my job and just staying in my mother’s house.

This is a terrible idea in many ways. But going back to Ableist State U—and ableism is not their only problem—feels like a kind of death.

I have two situations that i need couch-advice about:

Situation 1
I want to apply for a job where I currently attend graduate school BUT am worried that since a couple of my professors don't like me, they won't agree to act as a reference when I ask them.

Question: Should I apply for the job anyway (not ask those two professors) and find other professors to ask. I have a reputation of being a chatterbox that annoys the professors (and some of my classmates) so I'm worried that while this job is the PERFECT fit for me, I won't be considered due to my personality.

Situation 2
There is a tenant in my building who is struggling to live alone. She's in her 60s, is on a county program for AA/NA housing financial support and she is actively using b/c she falls against her gas stove and then passes out, and then the whole apt bldg fills up with gas aka carbon monoxide (she's done this 7 times despite property management giving her a warning AND installing childproof knobs on her gas stove). The neighbors (two of them) yelled at me during the last episode, while we all stood outside waiting for the all-clear from the fire dept. One of the neighbors yelled at me, "You're what's wrong with society!" because I (due to exasperation) complained to the caretaker loudly, "I can't believe this is happening AGAIN! This woman can't live by herself! This keeps happening and making those of us home when it happens sick with dizziness and nausea and it's scary!" Because i said that, the neighbor who yelled at me thinks I'm not a compassionate person. Yet I am. I lived with my mother for 3 years taking care of her due to her dementia progressing to the point where my sister and I had to find a nursing home to put our mom in. Then, I moved in with a roommate, not knowing she has bipolar depression and I took care of HER for a year after that. I do not want to take care of any more people. I just want to take care of myself.

Question: That mean neighbor has never apologized. Should I just ignore her even though there is a building BBQ coming up in two weeks (she has not signed up to go either, but I have). Should I knock on her door to address her nasty behavior with me? Or should I just ignore her.

If you can afford it, why not do a what do they call it - second something. ACT! If there is something else you would like to do. University jobs have already taken a turn for the worse, have they not? Nobody gets tenure, non-tenured part timers teaching students, and now they have everybody's classes recorded. Who knows what the future holds? It may be wise to get out while you can. And you are so disciplined - not a layabout like me - and have so much to contribute. Be the change you want to see in the world. Come back to the U carrying a whip.

I wouldnt go to a neighbor to confront them. I would bring a bowl of cherries or cherry tomatoes, and tell them that i may have been a little oversensitive last week because i have caretaker burnout, from taking care of my mother for x years. And leave it. I dont understand demanding apologies. To me its like rubbing a dog's nose in its business.

Is it a viable option to stay there? I mean, in terms of, can you legally stay there, etc., vs. having to sell the house for the estate (just thinking of what my mother dealt with with her mother's house and the assorted sibling drama that dragged on....).


Is it possible to do a sabbatical sort of thing, take a year off? And if not, if you quit, would that hurt you in finding future work? I don't know how the academic world operates in terms of things like that.

I actually have not known many academics who didn't want to quit and walk away from academia for any number of reasons. And they were valid like yours are. Even my person kept threatening to walk away (and she loved the scholarship -but hated teaching even though she was a great teacher (not just love bias here - she got student award after student award and all of her graduate students got jobs -she had a 100% record with her grad students getting teaching jobs soon after graduation) and become a gardener (ugh- I don't like gardening).

Trigger warning SUI

my T keeps trying to tell me this. That he was old, and probably knew the end was coming. He didn't escape to just go frolic in the outside (but he did like trying to go out all the time), but that he knew the end was coming.

It doesn't make me feel better. It sort of makes me feel worse. I do know that cats like to be alone when they know they might not make it...but just the thought of him suffering even a moment alone breaks my heart. Even if that is just projection of my feelings onto him, it doesn't help me.

But thank you.
I ask this question all the time, especially when I am very depressed. I have never really come up with a good answer. For a long time, it was my cat, Jack. He and I have (had?) a special bond, and I knew if I left him, he would never be the same. After he escaped in February, I was sure I wouldn't make it.

I am still here, still grieving, but I do have two other cats to take care of, so that helps. I don't have many people in my life, so I get the crippling loneliness. I think something that has stopped me from Sui is that I do know the people who are in my life would be devastated. My T at the crisis center, who is warm and light-hearted, asked me very seriously (putting this in trigger quotes)



I don't know. I'm rambling and feel like I didn't give a good answer. I hope it helps in some way? Sorry if it didn't.
Inertia/apathy is a huge part of what keeps me going.
Situation 1: YES, apply for that job! Go for it Who cares if two other professors may not care for you as much as you'd hope for.

Situation #2: If it were me, I'd ignore her. Usually people who say things like this won't easily be swayed by that person looking for an apology.

well the fridge repair guy was here this afternoon and said the fan needs to be replaced and some other thingamabob part too. he has to order the parts so we borrowed a mini fridge from our friend for a few things but left the freezer stuff and some of the fridge stuff at their house. so now we just wait for the part to come in he said the most would be a week, probably a couple of days.


the closer it gets to h's heart procedure on friday, the more nervous and worried I am getting. the surgeon's office called today and asked a ton of pre-procedure questions about stuff and gave instructions like he has to shower and wash very well that morning, and wear clean, loose, comfortable clothes etc etc. he doesn't seem worried at all, apparently i am worrying for the both of us which is pretty much the norm I suppose. I keep telling myself just breathe, everything's going to be fine. i'm gonna go try to get some sleep, I got up at like 4am today so I'm tuckered out. Night couchies!

Trigger warning SUI