Couch 237: Social Rules

My T said jokingly (consensual humour after all the seriousness, I started the humour) she'd find my ghost to "kill" me if I died on her by suicide. I had jokingly asked her if she would find a spirit-medium (a thing in our shared culture) to summon my spirit so she could scold me if I died on her.

In all seriousness, I've not lost anyone close to suicide but I've grieved a lot about the people I knew who died from it. They mattered to me when they were alive, even if I could never express it to them. Even if I didn't know them well... I don't know how to explain that. They weren't celebrities. They were a spark, a light even when they couldn't see it, or when they grew tired of fighting and died.

I think of them, I mourn off and on, I wonder if they were afraid, if they felt at peace.

My fiancé has a history of serious suicide attempts and he has lost family to suicide.

Linkin Park's "One More Light".

And yes, I'd grieve if I learned any of you died... When people disappear, I do wonder how they are and hope it's because they're doing better.

My wife had a coworker die by suicide over ten years ago. She really liked and respected him as a person but they were not friends outside of work, and even so, she still tears up when she talks about him. She has gone over and over her last few interactions with him, trying to make sense of it and wondering if she could have known or could have helped him. It weighs heavily on her even though they weren't particularly close, so I can't imagine how the other people in his life feel.

A few years ago, my uncle passed away unexpectedly in his apartment. He hadn't returned calls for a few days, so they sent over the police to do a wellness check, and they found him. Due to some pills by the bed and a voicemail he'd left for his ex, at first, I thought he'd taken his own life and was struggling with how to process that. He's bipolar (which I only learned maybe 10 years ago) and had some substance-abuse issues. It turned out on the autopsy that he'd had passed from a heart attack (the same type that had taken his father--my grandfather--at nearly the same age). And I felt rather relieved (though honestly, a bit concerned that my mother was lying to me). I don't know how my mom would have handled it had it been by his own hand. I know my aunt (their sister) would have been a complete wreck and blamed herself. Plus his sons. Of course, his death is still sad, but it felt different being from natural causes.

Also, we were not talking specifically about suicide, but my T said to me once that if I were to die the next day, he would be "very affected." And he's lost a few clients--I think one definitely suicide, a couple gray-area overdoses (unsure if accidental or intentional), and one client who just happened to pass away (heart attack maybe?) while they were working with him, like didn't show up for a session, then his sister called a couple weeks later and said what had happened. And he said we was affected by all of those as well and seemed like he was about to cry.


I recall reading a blog post from a T whose client died (I think suicide, but not sure) that was really touching--don't know if I could find it now. So, Scarlet, I do believe your T would be really affected if something were to happen to you. And all of our T's would be.

I wondered too after the fact if there was something I should have picked up on/something I could have done or said differently on that phone call. He didn't say anything at all that would have led me to worry about his safety, it was just a pleasant conversation until the phones got busy and I had to hang up because I was at work. We weren't friends outside of work and hadn't really talked much even at work, except for work-related stuff. I didn't know any differently, I mean, at the time I just thought he was bored so he called in. It was not an uncommon thing back then, for my coworkers to call into the 800# knowing me or the opposite-days midnights person would answer and talk if they couldn't sleep in the middle of the night. Most of us were in our 20's and we were a close-knit group of employees, even if we didn't all socialize outside of work. I still have so many memories. Even though I worked through my guilt a long time ago (that maybe I could have done something if I'd known) I still feel sad after 30 years if something reminds me of him (like when recently maybe a month go I had a dream about it. said dream is why it's so fresh in my mind right now.)