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Old 05-14-2022, 02:04 AM   #1
pixiedust72
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Trig Afraid to tell T about obsession with death

Iím afraid of getting better because Iím so attached to the idea of suicide. It sounds so much better to me to get to go out on my own terms because Iím afraid of dying in some random accident or something.

In 2018, I planned my suicide but never went through with it which I often regret. Sometimes I think no one will believe that I almost went through with suicide because I didnít actually go through with it. I feel like I need to go through with it to prove my mental illness to people. I also got attached to the idea and donít want to die in any other way. I also am unhappy with my life and donít want to keep living this way. But even if I were happier, I just feel like life isnít for me.

I donít know if I could ever bring this up because I feel like my therapist gets really disappointed/frustrated when Iím not making progress and not open to changing my thoughts/trying to make progress. She would be really unhappy to hear that I donít want to get better especially if I tell her the reason.

If youíve been here beforeÖ How do you get over the idea of suicide?
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Old 05-14-2022, 06:31 AM   #2
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Default Re: Afraid to tell T about obsession with death

I think it is important to share this with your t. You don't have to prove anything to anyone. She can't help you if you don't share your thoughts.
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Old 05-14-2022, 08:32 AM   #3
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Default Re: Afraid to tell T about obsession with death

I can relate to your feelings. Although I do want to get better and have been working very hard at it for years, I have been obsessed with constant thoughts of suicide since I was a kid.

I agree that you should share your thoughts with your T. I try not to but mine requires me to turn in a DBT diary card at each session which ranks my SH and SUI thoughts or actions each day among other things.

He says he needs to know and we need to work on that first becauae it will prevent me from making progress. Although I hate the diary card, I do kind of like it for sharing those things because I can just put down a number each day and not have to say anything unless he brings it up.
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Old 05-14-2022, 10:41 AM   #4
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Default Re: Afraid to tell T about obsession with death

If something like this is shared with a therapist, are they legally obliged to inform your doctor or something?
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Old 05-14-2022, 10:49 AM   #5
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Default Re: Afraid to tell T about obsession with death

Quote:
Originally Posted by Orwellian Nightmare View Post
If something like this is shared with a therapist, are they legally obliged to inform your doctor or something?

From my understanding, they're only legally obliged to tell your doctor (though unsure about this part) or potentially send you to the ER if you have the desire, a plan, a means to carry out the plan, and intent to carry it out. If they're more general suicidal feelings, like ideation, they wouldn't need to do anything.


But some T's are also jumpier than others about things like that.
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Old 05-14-2022, 11:39 AM   #6
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Default Re: Afraid to tell T about obsession with death

I can relate to some of these feelings. Especially the parts of not feeling like life is for you and that people will only truly understanding the extent your distress by going through with suicide.
However I would not ever discuss these feelings with my therapist. Iíve been badly burnt by him reporting my suicidal ideation to my GP against my wishes in the past. I disclosed a previous suicide plan I had nearly gone through with a few weeks before, but didnít actually do it and stated I did not have any imminent plans to hurt myself. He told me he would not report, then spoke to his supervisor, changed his mind and wrote to my GP without my consent.
It caused a massive massive rupture which we are still not fully out of 5 months on. Things are much better but I would now never take the risk of talking about suicidal ideation with any therapist.
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Old 05-14-2022, 11:52 AM   #7
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Default Re: Afraid to tell T about obsession with death

I used to suffer from horrible ideation. I know you're not looking for a solution, but what helped me was meds. I feel such a relief now and am able to cope better.

I am very open and honest about my SI and thoughts of SH with T and L. Every session, L does a safety check-in. She trust me to know when I need a hospital and when I just need to be heard.

After seeing my dad's dog being put to sleep, it really triggered me. The next session, L and I discussed death and SUI the whole session. It was such a relief to not have to bottle up the thoughts and feelings.
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Old 05-14-2022, 03:05 PM   #8
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Default Re: Afraid to tell T about obsession with death

Quote:
How do you get over the idea of suicide?
By bringing this 'idea' into the light with your therapist, instead of keeping it hidden. By exploring and putting words to this part of you.

There is no other way.
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Old 05-15-2022, 01:06 AM   #9
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Default Re: Afraid to tell T about obsession with death

Telling your T about any plans you had in the past and thoughts in the present is progress. Hugs if wanted
Stay safe.
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Old 05-15-2022, 11:29 AM   #10
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Default Re: Afraid to tell T about obsession with death

I once was certain I would die by suicide. It was not a healthy or particularly sane belief in retrospect. It was, for me, honestly a bit of fantasizing over those ideations over a long period of time.

My view eventually changed, rather suddenly actually, upon the death of my sister. I realized how devastating her loss was to our family, to my children - and hers was a death from cancer. I saw in stark reality that my own death by suicide would be at least that devastating and damaging to everyone I loved. I could not, would not, have that as my legacy. Coincidentally, I had two friends commit suicide soon after my sister's death, which cemented for me that suicide was absolutely not the answer; it is tragic and wounding and traumatic for those left behind.

One thing that really helped me stop idealizing the idea of suicide was to be completely open with my therapist and my pdoc about those beliefs and to work through them rather than hide those ideations. I found hiding those thoughts actually increased them, while being open about them took a bit of the fantasy away. It forced me to get real. My pdoc and therapist knew when we were in discussion versus when I was in danger, and I never found that they overreacted. Yes, I was hospitalized multiple times during that period very much voluntarily, but the more I worked through the ideations, stayed consistent with my medications, and saw the impact of my choices on those around me, the less focused I was on suicide and the more focused I became finding some peace with my life and moving forward.

I am over a decade beyond that period in my life. I have suffered some devastating losses since then (including the most recent death of my husband after 100 days in the hospital with Covid), but never has suicide entered my mind again as a solution for the stresses in my life. I can and do choose differently.

I hope you will have frank discussions with your therapist and pdoc and can reach a place where you no longer hold on to suicide as your out. You can get beyond these ideations.
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Old 05-15-2022, 03:57 PM   #11
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Default Re: Afraid to tell T about obsession with death

What if you just accept it and stop trying to get over it?

I donít mean go through with it.

I just mean accept that you have those thoughts. It doesnít have to ďmeanĒ anything that mind your mind goes to suicidal thoughts sometimes or often. It doesnít necessarily mean youíre not making progress. It just means your mind goes there.

Instead of trying to get rid of the thought the work would be on accepting yourself and building your life.
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Old 05-15-2022, 08:00 PM   #12
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Default Re: Afraid to tell T about obsession with death

It depends on your T. My first T always got serious and stern when I talked about suicide. My other Ts were a lot nicer about it and tried to help.

Thinking about suicide makes me feel very good. It's like a backup plan if life become too much.
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Old 05-16-2022, 01:22 PM   #13
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Default Re: Afraid to tell T about obsession with death

Quote:
Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight View Post
From my understanding, they're only legally obliged to tell your doctor (though unsure about this part) or potentially send you to the ER if you have the desire, a plan, a means to carry out the plan, and intent to carry it out. If they're more general suicidal feelings, like ideation, they wouldn't need to do anything.


But some T's are also jumpier than others about things like that.
Yes, some T's are jumpier than others. Most of my T's have trusted me to tell them when I needed to go to the hospital. One T sent me to the hospital when I knew I didn't really need to go. It almost jeopardized my place in IOP and it was a huge headache. I didn't appreciate that. I knew she was trying to keep me safe, and she was still like a trainee so maybe she didn't trust herself to know if one was truly suicidal. I like when T's have trust in the patient that they aren't going to act on the thoughts, they just need to talk about it.
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