T issues

I don't dispute any of that. I'm aware that some people have had painful experiences in therapy. I'm certainly not claiming that my experience is shared by everyone. I was just sharing it with East and operating under the assumption that it may encourage her IF she decides she wants to seek out another T, which it sounded to me like she was considering. Note that I used the words 'can' and not 'will' - she can go onto develop deeper attachments etc, not that she WILL, but it is possible. I I don't think anyone is going to feel forced into doing something they don't want to do just from reading a stranger's experience on an internet forum and therefore it was not unreasonable of me to share a personal experience in the hope it might help.

I can't believe you put up with it for that long.

I agree with this. I had been very attached to my former marriage counselor (not particularly attached to my former individual T) and didn't think I'd be able to find someone like him who could be my individual T. Well, my current T is very different from him, but we have a good relationship that feels more genuine and solid in many ways. Are we a perfect fit? No. But he's been really helpful in some areas. And helped me in getting past ex-MC.

I think if someone is going into it looking for an exact replacement for a T, they will most likely be disappointed, as they're all different. That's what I was trying to do at first ("why can't you be more like him?") But going into with an open mind, thinking that even if someone is very different, you could still learn from and be helped by them--that would have a greater chance of success.

The other thing is, starting with a new T, you wouldn't have the trust built up. They won't know you well, you won't know them well. So there will likely be some conflicts and missteps (by the T) and misunderstanding. It takes time to build a relationship.

That being said, if it feels completely wrong from the start and/or you keep having similar conflicts and/or you just don't feel the T gets you at all (and various other issues that interfere with the ability to work with them), then it's likely time to move on. And that's the sense I'm getting from your posts, East.

I made my posting when I was drunk and feeling hurt from my recent therapy ending. I was looking for a fight and I aimed at you. I was not being friendly. Your enthusiasm and optimism regarding therapy rubbed me up the wrong way. You make reasonable points, no matter how I don't want to hear them.

I get it and you do make a valid point that it isn't easy or or always in someone's best interests to look for another t. It takes a lot of courage and that's something I didn't make clear in my response to East so your perspective is a good reminder to me of the other side of the issue.

No current T didn't know ex-T. I think it feels too weird because talking about that relationship and how connected I felt, it's like I'm telling current T that she isn't good enough. She might be if I can persevere with her enough to give her that chance.

It may have been a mistake going straight into another therapy relationship so soon after ex-T stopping work, but because the ending with her was quite traumatic and we didn't have a proper closure session, I just had a meltdown and needed support.

I thought I could combine the bereavement issue with the other issues and process it all with this T, but because I'm finding that difficult I decided to look for specific bereavement support elsewhere. However the two organisations I approached have a strict rule about having been out of therapy for two months before beginning work with them. My current T said she is willing to do the bereavement stuff with me, but if I wanted to go elsewhere we would have to stop working together whilst I was doing that other work.

It's ironic that I work in that field, but can't get bereavement support unless I stop therapy.

If ex-T had died before I sought out another therapist, I could have dealt with the bereavement stuff first and then moved on to the rest of it; but because she just stopped working and I was abruptly left without support, I felt the need to find another T quickly. Once I'd done that we started getting to know each other and processing other things. Then ex-T died. I didn't expect to be so badly affected by it as we'd already stopped working together 5 months previously. Perhaps this would be a good thing to explain, to have a conversation about with current T.



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Current T has been on time and no interruptions to our sessions since I told her how disruptive it was for me. We've had to do some work in repairing the therapy relationship since, but are getting there. The one thing I'm struggling with though, is opening up fully to her about my feelings over the loss of ex-T.

Given that I've been told it isn't right or ethical to receive bereavement support at the same time as conventional therapy with two different therapists, I've taken the decision to approach someone else for that support and keep quiet about it with current T. I just hope it doesn't backfire on me. Whilst I kind of understand how it could be confusing, my thought is that if I can keep to the boundary of what we are talking about, then it shouldn't be a problem.

Then after waiting for nearly a month for an appointment with this person, she went off sick with covid.... She has just made contact again with me today asking if I still want an appointment. I'm hoping she will be available next week as my regular T is off and we don't have a session anyway.

I just need to get this stuff out of my head re ex-T and process her loss with someone who isn't my current T. I don't think that's unreasonable....but would appreciate anyone else's thoughts on it.

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Feeling quite anxious about this session with bereavement-T. Partly because it's already been cancelled twice in the last month, partly because of home circumstances which may mean I will get interrupted during the call, and partly because my brain is going into overdrive. The what ifs...

What if it doesn't help in the way I'm hoping it will? What if it does help but she isn't available on a regular basis?
What if we decide I need more than one session; how do I pause things with current-T so that I can continue with bereavement-T, in a way that allows me to go back to current-T when I need to?

I know I should stop thinking' what if' and just see what happens, it might pan out in a completely different way. It is just my brain's way of trying to remain in control.

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There are many people who opt to see 2 therapists at the same time, usually to work with one t on something and the other t on something else.

Agreed. If the one is specifically for bereavement, I would think you could see both without it being a conflict. You wouldn't technically need to tell either T about the other if you don't want to. If it's a financial issue that you can't see both at once, that's a bit different, but maybe you could do each every other week, like on opposite weeks, something like that.

Seems odd to me that you are not supposed to get bereavement support while in therapy. I don't know about in the UK, but in the US, there are many free grief support groups that people can attend whether or not they are in therapy.

Ugh. I'm sorry she was (is) that way. Does not sound therapeutic to me.

She has damaged the relationship.

Yes, that doesn't seem to be a thing here.

Individual Ts and organisations in general seem quite strict about not doing two different sorts of therapy at the same time. They view it as there unevitably being some crossover between bereavement and other issues, which ultimately may be confusing. Counselling being more about processes and the tools the counsellor uses. Client's brain would be muddled with two counsellors even if dealing with different subjects, they would overlap, especially if client has multiple things to deal with.

That's how it was explained to me anyway.

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I see a trauma T and a talk T, and sometimes our topics do overlap, though it has never been confusing for me.

I hope your session goes well. I understand all the “what ifs,” it’s hard.