I narrowly avoided being put In patient. Whew.

So yesterday was a bit of a trial. EEK.

On Tuesday I had a relapse. I had talked to my T and I had sent her a picture of what I had done. She told me, honestly if you go to the ER to get that taken care of they are going to send you to the Psych ward on a hold. Well, I didn't want to end up there so I didn't go to the ER. Wednesday I thought I should have them looked at so I made an appointment with my GP. She got me in at 1 PM. It was too late (too many hours) for her to take care of them properly, so she just cleaned them and bandaged me up. She was very calm with me. But when we went back to her office to get a prescription for some antibiotics she said that she wanted to get a psych consult. Crap! And she asked for my psychiatrist's number. So she had me give the receptionist the office number and address. So I wasn't sure what I was supposed to do so I asked the receptionist if I was done or if I had to stay. She was like, oh no, you can go. But apparently when they called my pdoc they didn't leave a call back number. Duh.

So I get in my car and I call my psychiatrist's office and talk to the receptionist. I tell her what is going on and I ask her to tell my pdoc that I am okay, I don't need the hospital, etc. Then as I am driving back to work I get a call from the doctor's office. I have to go back, the receptionist shouldn't have let me go. Then they put me in a room while they wait for my pdoc to call. It had only been 15-20 minutes and then the GP is like, I need to call the officers. I was like, wait, let me try to call my Pdoc. So I tried again and got the receptionist and she tells me he is with clients but she will try to get him a message. I'm like please, because my GP is going to call the cops on me. And I text my Pdoc. So a few minutes later the officer comes in. I'm like, crap! He is very nice though and tells me I am not in trouble but that my GP is concerned about my well being. So I talk to him for a while and he asks to see both of my arms even though I told him it is only on one and he asks me what happened and so forth. Then he says if it were up to him he would let me go home but he is not a mental health professional so he feels like he needs to call in the behavioral health team. I'm like why did we not do this already? But I stay very calm and just go with the flow.

In the meantime my pdoc calls my GP and tells her that he will take full responsibility for me and that he will talk to me that night (last night) at six and make sure I am okay. But the wheels have already turned so pretty soon two ladies from behavioral health show up and do a psych eval. I told them everything and at first they kind of wanted me to go to the crisis center but I told them I really wasn't in crisis so I didn't think that was necessary. So anyway we talked some more. Then the doctor, the cop, and the two behavioral health ladies have a conference about me out of the room (so I didn't get to hear what they said). They agreed that I could go home. Thank goodness! I was so freaked out (on the inside but tried not to show it) that I was going to be brought to the ER by police car! So my doctor (GP) talks to me some more and makes a follow up appointment and eventually lets me go. I had been there for 3.5 hours!

So then I go home and I still have to talk to my Pdoc. The receptionist called and said she would set up the meeting for me online. I told her I was already released by the other people and that I was good to be at home. But she said my pdoc had promised my GP he would talk to me so I had to talk to him. I was like, okay. But I don't have $200 in my checking (I get paid tomorrow) so can I give you a different card to charge the appointment to? She was like, don't worry about that right now. So then at six I get on the computer and talk to my pdoc and he's okay with everything. He is a little concerned but he knows me and if I say I am not in crisis, he knows I am not in crisis. So thank goodness he lets me go to.

So I escaped going in patient by the skin of my teeth. And my pdoc said he was not going to charge me for the appointment! Thank goodness!

I need to sort out all of my emotions with my T. I texted her a bunch yesterday while all of this was going down but she was with clients so she couldn't respond at the time, which is fine. I have so many emotions going through me right now. I talked to one of my coworkers who is a friend and let her know what happened and she prayed with me so that was nice. I am so happy to be at work today and not in the hospital! It's funny because when I was talking to the cop, I told him how much it cost me to be in patient last time and he asked if it was involuntary, which it was. He was like, you still have to pay? I was like, oh yeah, you still have to pay. He's like, that's not right! I was like, tell me about it! I don't even know what I feel today. There's so much emotions going on in me. It's a frightful mess. I am just so glad that I was able to present well and stay out of the hospital. I apologized to my T last night on text for the volume of texts that I sent her. She responded around midnight and said that it was totally fine and if I needed to text her today I could. I haven't yet. I might email her, maybe, to try to sort out my feelings. But what a huge mess I made for myself. I am so glad I was able to get out of it. My pdoc told me that my GP was freaking out. She was calm with me but I guess she wasn't calm with him. I guess all is well that ends well.

Thanks to anyone who read this this far! Any kind words or hugs would be appreciated. Kit

Aww Kit! I’m so glad you were able to stay out of the hospital. It is nice to see that your GP cares about your well-being so much. I do hope you are really out of crisis. That sounds like a frightening experience!

I hope you can get this monkey off your back somehow. I know thats a very old expression, but its how it was for me. Even after she passed, my mother was a monkey on my back. Its hard to balance yourself or pay attention to your own life with all those shenanigans going on. Honestly its more physical than just mental.

Thank you, velcro.

Yeah, she usually does a mini psych eval every time I am there. But I guess yesterday she felt out of her depth. I am just glad she was able to remain calm with me because that probably helped me remain calm with the rest of the events. She always asks me about my hallucinations and stuff like that and when I see my pdoc and when I see my therapist and about my depression levels and SH intents, etc. When she told me that she was calling the officers, she was like, don't get upset, but I need to call the officers. I was taken by surprise but managed to stay calm. The very first time I had an appointment with her she wanted a psych evaluation done. I didn't have any open wounds or anything at the time but she got me a referral to a pdoc and then followed up with me because she didn't like how I was presenting. She's a pretty good doctor.

A little part of me is afraid that she called the cops on me because she was scared I would hurt her or something. I don't know if that is paranoia on my part or what. I would never hurt her or anyone else. The events yesterday were really trying. I am trying to process them but it is hard. I can't figured out how I feel. Talking about it is helping though. Thanks for listening to me! Hugs Kit.

Thank you unaluna

Hugs, Kit, that sounds like quite a stressful ordeal! I'm glad you were able to stay out of the hospital. I'm sure I'd freak out if police officers were called for me, but the one who talked to you sounds like he was really nice and caring. It is sort of funny to me that he wouldn't realize you'd have to pay for going inpatient just because it was involuntary! Maybe he's thinking of it like prison....

I hope your T can help you sort through your feelings. It sounds like your GP just wasn't sure how to handle it. At least she had you assessed by behavioral health first rather than insisting on your going to the ER. And that's really nice of your pdoc not to charge you.

I wish I could, in good conscience, encourage people to go IP. That it will help. Maybe at some point years back, it did. But for me at least, all 3 of my IP's were upsetting. Another patient trying to smother me during the night, having clothing stolen, herded into a room to watch TV all day, mean staff members and (every time) rotten pdocs who didn't do jack.

I'm glad you avoided having to go IP, Kit.

I think your GP was concerned about you harming yourself, not her.

Thank you LT. It was really stressful. I think the full amount of that stress is just hitting me now. I'm exhausted now, for one thing, Not like I could sleep exhausted, but like sitting in my chair zoning out in front of the TV kind of exhausting. Unfortunately I am at work. But I did get payroll done and got caught up on what I missed out on yesterday afternoon. My coworker suggested I go home early today but as I am off tomorrow I don't want to be a flake. She said I might need the rest though. And then this afternoon my sister is arriving with her little one so the house won't be quiet or anything. I am not going to get rest.

I did email my T this morning, a little bit ago, (because it was too long to text) and I texted her to tell her that I emailed her (so she would know to check). I hope she can help me sort out my feelings. Right now I feel too full of feelings. Like they are up to my neck. And I admit, I'm a bit freaked out. Delayed reaction perhaps.

I don't know what I would have done if I were in my GP's shoes. Obviously at some point over the past 48 hours I was in a lot of distress. How was she to know that it had passed. I'm very grateful that she was calm with me. But she definitely was not calm with my pdoc. He sounded like he had to talk her down. That makes me upset that I upset my GP so much. She's a nice lady and she tries to help me as best as she can. At first I was a bit mad at her for calling the cops on me (plus embarrassed) but I know she has a job to do. And I wasn't completely surprised by it because I kind of thought she would want to have a psych consult, but I thought she would be satisfied with an appointment with my pdoc like soon or something. I didn't know she would want one then and there.

Yeah, my pdoc is a good guy. He didn't charge me for an appointment after I got out of IP last time too. And I have his personal cell phone number so that's pretty great. He has also paid for my meds before when I was a bit short on cash so that's really nice. He is expensive but I think he is worth it.

I am really lucky the cops and the behavioral health ladies were really nice. They seemed to really listen to me and care about the situation I was in. They took copious notes. I'm kind of freaked out about all the reports the cop and the behavior health people have to do on me. Like if I am going to end up on some watch list or something. The cop even took my driver's license number and stuff. I'm not sure what he needed that for. I'm probably being a bit paranoid today. My pdoc told me to take alprazolam today so I did. And it took a bit of the edge off but not enough of it. I hope I hear back something from my T soon although I feel guilty for bothering her so much this week. Usually I go all week without texting her/emailing her. Not this week. It's hard to not feel like I am being a pain even though she said I wasn't. I need to trust that and not seek after reassurance!

Yesterday was really tough but today is pretty tough too. HUGS Kit

Thank you Beth. My IP experiences have been pretty awful. I'm not saying I would never go IP. Like maybe if I were really suicidal or something. But I'm not at that point.

I told my T last session that when I have really needed to go IP and I go to the ER and ask to go IP they send me home. When I don't need to go IP and I have to go to the ER for SH or something, I get put IP. She said, "Wow, we are really failing as an industry." I don't remember is she used the word industry but that's the gist.

Thanks, velcro. Hopefully that is all that it was. I have enough guilt over causing her distress. Maybe I will tell her at my follow up appointment that I would never hurt her.

You are lucky you avoided going. I hope you are ok. I don't know how it is where I live now, but back where I used to live they could send you for whatever reason they wanted to and there basically was no voluntary vs involuntary. If they wanted you to go, you went and had no say.

I worked on sorting some stuff out that I am feeling (I sent this to my T in an email and asked if we can work on it on Tuesday):

Guilty that I made my GP freak out (she was calm with me but my Pdoc said she was pretty freaked out and he had to talk her down)

Thankful that my GP was calm with me--if she hadn't been I probably would have had a harder time being calm with the cop and the behavioral health ladies!

Worried that GP thinks I might hurt her! I would never (intentionally) hurt someone else! Maybe I need to tell her this on my next visit (June 30th) for a checkup on my arm! She did say to come in sooner if I think it is getting infected though.

A bit paranoid because the cop took my driver's license information down and everything. He said he has to file a report (presumably about me)! He also had to give an incident number to my GP. What if I am now on some sort of watch list or something?!!

Also paranoid because the behavioral health workers had to take a report on me! They took copious notes! I wonder where this report goes? Can anyone look it up? Can it be held against me?

Tired--too much stress yesterday

Anxious--not sure why about this one

Disappointed in the system that I cannot get help for my wounds without being threatened with hospitalization

Leftover fear from being alone with the cop in the small exam room

Sadness that I had to tell my parents what was going on--I usually do but it was a hurried text and they got pretty worried

Wanting comfort but bewildered on how to get it

Freaking out inside--I guess delayed reaction! I couldn't freak out yesterday. I needed to remain calm and composed. Best way to talk your way out of a hospitalization is to "act normal"

Disappointed in myself for getting in this position. Either for self harming at all, or for going to the GP for help. Or both.

Grateful that my GP said to me, don't get upset, but I have to call the officers. At least she gave me a head's up. At least it was only 1 officer and he was pretty nice

Amusement that the officer didn't think you had to pay for inpatient treatment if it was involuntary

Hopeful that I will get on an even keel again soon

Stressed because my Pdoc when I told him I had made it 113 days before relapse, and how I told him about my two year goal--and said, do you know how long that is? He said maybe you can go 200 days this time! Pressure! Pressure! Is it internal pressure or external pressure?

Relieved I am not in the hospital right now

Not looking forward to going home and having my sister there. Not that I don't want to see my sister, I do, but all I feel like doing is zoning out in front of the TV and that won't be possible

Thankful for my coworker/friend. I told her what happened and she prayed with me, and she put her hand over my long sleeved shirt where my wounds are while she prayed

Thankful for my other former coworker who I confided in and also in my boss who I sort of word vomited on her. But they both took it well.

I didn't exactly tell my other coworker what happened, I just said I had a GP appointment and my GP freaked out and wanted a psych consult and that it was very stressful and would she pray for me! And she did

Grateful that I have the day off of work tomorrow

Glad that I was able to concentrate long enough to get payroll done at work (it took me 1 and a half/2 hours to get myself sorted and into work mode this AM) and get caught up from what I missed yesterday afternoon

Frustrated that I feel overwhelmed and Zombie-ish at the same time

Baffled as to why I do this to myself. Why do I keep doing this to myself? I don't understand.

Stressed because two of my friends (support people) are in Israel right now. I have WhatsApped them. One has been a bit more responsive--which is usual, and the other told me that she still cares about me, which is nice. She also told me to be careful. Too late.

Confused as to why I have to do so much damage to myself? Why can't I stop after a little bit? Why does it have to be multiples?

Lonely--I had to do this alone. Yes I could text people and I was grateful for that, but I had to go through the process alone and be an adult and advocate for myself

Grateful that my T gives me agency over my life to make my own choices, whether they are good or bad

Worried about how the wounds are going to heal

That's all I can sort out for now. There may be more but I think this is at least, a good start at figuring out how I feel.

Thanks for all the love and support, peeps! I love this group! HUGS Kit

Hugs, Kit.

I'm glad you are safe now, SK. And also that your pdoc was on your side & didn't charge you.

I just wonder... do you feel your T is skilled support enough for what you need?

She seems well-meaning but sometimes, reading about her, I am bemused... I don't know if she can help you with what you are struggling with. And you work so hard and are such a kind human being, I wish for you to get the support you need and deserve.

Good question Rive. The answer is: I'm not sure. She claims she can help me. Which is more than other T's have said to me. She also says I do things that most of her other clients haven't done/don't do. Some of these things are good. Some is bad. That kind of makes me wonder if I am stretching her...making her think outside of the box more. She said to me this week that when she took me on as a client (I was coming out of IOP, I self harm, I actively hallucinate, I have Schizoaffective disorder etc) she was worried that she wouldn't have sufficient energy for me. I don't know if that means I am difficult, or draining or what. But she felt like she could make a difference in my life. She is pretty open about being unconventional. Her boundaries are a bit looser than I would like. Like she tells me quite a bit about herself, for example. But she is willing to have outside contact with me, which most weeks I don't use but, like this week was helpful. So I am still trying to figure out if she can help me. Hug Kit

Hugs, Kit, I'm glad too that you were able to stay out of the hospital. I hope you're feeling more safe now.

As to the why: bear with me here, this is kind of out there. I had gotten to the point with my mother where i felt like it was gonna be her or me. I absolutely could not stand to see her anymore. (This now also applies to her remaining sister.) I feel like i am just going to spin into a tornado.

Well guess what - the one who controls what i do is me. What if you had gone out of town while your sister visited? Instead of all the energy being put into this incident? They are JUST two different things to do. One takes taking responsibility. But only you can stop the tornado.

ETA - Yes, you risk ostracization. People wont understand. But thats not a reason for you to do (or not do) stuff. They wouldnt understand what you ARE doing. So your choice is equal. As Joey from Friends says, its a moo point - cows dont care what you do.

Hugs, SK. I hope your T learns fast and keeps learning. I'm glad she can be flexible, and believes she can make a difference.

I know it's difficult to find a good therapist capable of helping with complex issues, who is also affordable and reasonably close by commute-wise.

I'm glad my T learns through training, although not glad some of what she learned from me and other patients (be they former and current) was out of sheer necessity.

My T doesn't see "difficult" or "complex" patients as draining or bad. It just means different needs, maybe higher needs, all of which make sense given the person's experiences, genetics etc.

I hear you, SK. Just wanted to note about the above that her comment - poorly phrased btw, says more about her (being ill-equipped skills-wise or age-wise as I think she is older?) than anything about you being difficult or draining. Your 'condition' only means you need someone who has expertise in this domain.

I see it like speaking different languages - there is nothing wrong about speaking another language and it doesn't make you any lesser than anyone else. It just means you need someone fluent in that language - i.e. someone who can understand you, meet you where you are at... and who knows what they are doing.