Therapist Voicemail

I’ve been seeing my T for almost a year now, two sessions a week. From day one we have had issues with me feeling completely disconnected from him in between sessions and this causing intense feelings of rejection and abandonment.
I am allowed limited out of session contact, so I can email once in between sessions and he will respond with a brief reply. However this does little to help me with the intensity of my feelings, so we have tried a couple of transitional objects; a stone and a tennis ball (we throw the ball to each other at the beginning and end of sessions to help try and stem off some of the dissociation I experience). Neither of these have really helped for more than a couple of weeks, and as the time has gone on and I have become so very deeply attached to him, the feelings of abandonment and rejection have gotten more and more intense.
Today he suggested trying him leaving a voicemail on my phone, so if I need to feel connected to him then I can listen to it. He didn’t specify what he would say except for ‘it would by no means be a masterpiece’ but he thought it may feel more personable than the tennis ball or stone. I’m really not sure how I feel about this. There is part of me that wants to try it, but I feel so needy that he has to do that. And then there is part of me that feels a bit weird about it and believes this still won’t be enough. I just want him in person.
I recall reading on here that other Ts have done this in the past, so just wondering if your T has done this has it helped and how did you feel about it? If your T hasn’t done it, do you think it might be something you would find useful if you struggled to hold on to the connection between sessions.

My therapist did this for me twice I think when he was leaving for a vacation. It was his idea. I, too, felt a bit needy about it, but I also really liked the idea and really wanted him to do it. One of the times he said he would do it but then forgot and I felt very dejected about that, but he apologized and I got over it. I feel that it did help. I have a copy of it saved somewhere so I could go back and listen to it anytime. I had actually forgotten about it since it's been several years ago now. He's just left for a vacation so I may go find it and listen to it. A couple of times I called to listen to his outgoing voicemail message. That was his idea as well. I don't like that idea as much because then he knows when you've done it.

My T has intentionally left me a few voicemails over the years, including a comforting one I requested after an upsetting world event and once before I went into labor (to sort of have her with me). I have found them both incredibly comforting and not enough at the same. I like having them and hearing her voice and some of what she has said to me on them. But you're right that it's not the same as being together in person and it doesn't always stop me from feeling disconnected or rejected for little to no reason.

I do think it might be worth giving it a try and seeing how it feels. Maybe it will help and maybe it won't. I don't think it's weird or needy, though. Lots and lots of people keep and re-listen to voicemails from people who are important to them.

ETA: She has also left a few messages about scheduling and stuff over the years, and I've kept those too.

If Your T is offering, and you think it might help, I would take him up on this offer.

My T would never dream of offering anything of the sort. Clearly, I don't exist outside of session time.

This is actually something I asked for from my T once, like in suggesting a couple things that might help when he was away (this was more recently than the whole stone incident). I mentioned it a couple times in a couple different sessions, though I don't know that I ever came out and said, "Would you be willing to do this?" I got the sense he wasn't comfortable with it, so I dropped it. But maybe he would have been OK, was just waiting for me to ask directly?

I have no voicemails from him (he only ever texts or emails), so there's not even some random scheduling thing I could listen to for comfort/connection. Ex-MC had left a really caring voicemail once in response to one of my texts that I listened to periodically (pre-rupture), and it helped.

He did send me a (requested) email at one point reassuring me that he cares (along with some other kind things) that I've looked back on before. But I think there's something different about hearing someone's voice.

So I think it's worth trying, just to see if it helps?

This is totally off the thread topic, but I want to offer a cautionary tale. My parents used to call me first thing in the morning on my birthday and sing Happy Birthday to me. I had a voicemail of the last time they did that before my dad died. One day I went to listen to it, but apparently my phone company deletes messages that haven't been resaved in the last 90 days. I was quite bereft and cried bitterly that the last recording of my dad singing to me was gone. If you have a VM that's important to you, figure out how to save it somewhere it won't get deleted without your knowledge.

There is definitely a big part of me that wants to give it a try and it’s helpful to know that it has been beneficial to others who have experienced it.
I guess what I’m concerned about is the fact that it might make the longing to be with him in person even worse, and if it didn’t work, my T getting frustrated as nothing is helping and I’m scared that might lead to him rejecting me. I recognise that these fears are me catastrophising the situation, but they are there.
LT my T is also the same and we have never spoke on the phone and he’s never even called my number before so I think that’s possibly why it feels so weird. I have thought about asking him to hand write something in the past which I think I would have found comforting, so perhaps a voicemail would be helpful.
I guess I’m just curious and a bit apprehensive about what he would say. If he didn’t say what I would want him to say (lots of kind, caring, reassuring and comforting stuff) then this might make things worse as I would likely be hurt and possibly annoyed.

Oh, I'm so sorry.....

I've managed to uploaded mine to iTunes before--maybe I just saved it to my computer and it automatically added it? I'm trying to remember. But I hadn't realized it had been added to iTunes, then it randomly started playing from shuffle when I was driving, and I was frantically trying to skip it.

So sorry this happened. I can imagine that must have been extremely painful and upsetting.

Thank you for the cautionary tale! I have Google Fi and can access old voicemails through Google Takeout, and I have the MP3s backed up an external hard drive too. I'm so sorry that your message got unexpectedly erased.

One of my former T's would leave me a voicemail sometime in the middle of her 3 week long vacation. Even though she is not my T anymore, I still listen to a couple that I have saved now and again. It helped knowing that she was thinking about me and that I mattered to her and that she cared. It didn't alleviate all the pain, but it didn't make things worse either. Hug Kit

This is all good stuff to talk about too. Since he suggested the voicemail, it sounds like he understands attachment injuries, so it's unlikely that he expects one voicemail to rewire your brain and will be frustrated with you if it doesn't. Certainly me saying that doesn't make the fear go away, but maybe experiencing what he's offering will help turn down the fear a little. And then you'll trust him more and start to feel more comfortable and slowly you'll chip away at it all.

Maybe it won't be exactly the words you want or maybe it will feel good at some times and bad at others. A handwritten note might also be a good thing to experiment with. It's hard to say, and you're already brave to be thinking it over even when it freaks you out.

My T used to record the occasional whatsapp audios for me. It's been a long time since she has, but they always made me feel connected. It helped just hearing her voice.

I have saved a voicemail from my T (and one from my dad who recently passed away). My T didn’t specifically leave it for that purpose, and I don’t know if I told her I saved it, but it’s there if I get really desperate.

Mine has made videos of us together that I keep on my phone— some serious, some funny. She has also given me some small gifts and stuffies. That helps some. We tend to talk for hours and hours at a time, but then She might not have time for me for a month and she understands I need something to help tide me over.

I resonate with the deep desperation to be with your T. The little me craves to be with L.

L has emailed me 3 recordings: one a meditation, one a goodnight message, and another a reassuring message. All help me feel connected to her. However, I don't always listen to them for the same reason you're worried about. Sometimes I know it will feel like a tease.

There are many things you can do to try to create another connection with him. L and I do candle lighting, we have a scrapbook we make together, we share items (I have her blanket and she has my bracelet), there are soft transitional object which might be more comforting to you. I had to convince T to give me a stuffed animal. Maybe your T can write you a letter or card. I got my ex-Pdoc to do that for me. You can do art together. Otherways to create a bond is during therapy you can do grounding exercises or play games.

He definitely has a good understanding of attachment and the fall out from poor attachment as a child, and is very aware of how sensitive I am to rejection and abandonment. He describes himself as an integrative, humanistic and relational therapist, but it does feel over the year that I’ve worked with him his style has slightly changed to more psychodynamic and analytic and some of that relational aspect has reduced over time. It’s still there if I really push for it, but it’s not offered so freely and frequently.
I have drafted an email to him about my apprehensions but also said that I would like to give it a try. I think I need to remind him that it’s the preverbal/toddler parts of me that we are dealing with when it comes to the separation anxiety, so it’s those parts we have to work to appease and soothe. I think he sometimes forgets that and goes to automatically thinking about what could work for an adult.