Couch 238: Appreciating Small Progress Couch

smileygal · Jul 29, 2022 at 11:54 AM

I also believe that most parents are really trying to do the best they can with what they know at the time. And They don't always get it right but I don't think it is because they didn't want to. They often didn’t have the awareness, access to information or knowledge that we have now and even now having all that can be overwhelming to navigate. BUT having the best intentions does mean that they did not harm you or cause you trauma that negatively impacts your life as an adult.

My parents for example have caused me tremendous amounts of trauma. Were they good people who were trying to do a good job yes. My mother for example had her own trauma and pain and didn’t realise the damage her actions were to me but they were and I am
Still Living with and trying to heal from the ramifications of that today.

Do I think their actions greatly cause most of my trauma? Yes but I can also understand the why. Knowing they meant well doesn’t take away from the fact that they didn’t. It does help me forgive them .

Lonelyinmyheart · Jul 29, 2022 at 12:49 PM

My mother loved me a lot as a child (still does). I was even her favourite. She would never have intentionally harmed me, but harm me she did nonetheless - very much so. I was emotionally neglected and spent a lot of time by myself.

It sounds very contradictory and just shows how complex trauma can really be. I was her 'good girl' and never really felt a child.

Even now my mother texts me many times a day and is deeply attached to me. I know I'm still her favourite.

And yet I've spent years in therapy trying to cope with how messed up my upbringing was, to the point I wasn't even 'allowed' to speak to my father who lived in the same house as us, and I was lulled into secrets about who else lived there.

I don't doubt that my mother did the best she could with what she knew and the situation we were in, but there's also no doubt that she traumatised me and I have had to live with that all my life.

ChickenNoodleSoup · Jul 29, 2022 at 01:55 PM

I'll chime in too xD I think lots of parents want to do the right thing, and might even know what to do, but it's still very hard. Everyone has their own story, own issues and own things going on. Being a parent means to some degree putting all that on the backburner, but to do it correctly so that it's neither too much nor too little, I'm not sure it's doable for most people... Even if you do everything right, suddenly there's an accident, an illness, anything at all... I don't think most people are ill-intentioned towards their own children, although there's certainly that kind of person as well.

ArtieTheSequal · Jul 29, 2022 at 07:00 PM

Hugs and head nods all around as appropriate. It's monsoon-ing here right now so I'm only here for a minute, not staying on my computer too long - lots of lightening today!

atisketatasket · Jul 29, 2022 at 08:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by stopdog

I have no idea what any of this means. Aramaic? or Mandarin?

Tagalog.

Daffydungle · Jul 29, 2022 at 08:13 PM

I was hampered in my parenting by my ex who refused to come to any parenting classes and undid most the work i was trying to do by threatening physical violence. Yelling and thumping walls got the kids to do things but they have anxiety disorders as i result. We were all terrified of him.

stopdog · Jul 29, 2022 at 08:26 PM

Clearly I am in the minority but I still think that there needs to be more bucking up and less gooey whining. I am gearing up for the fall version of mollycoddling and pc idiocy well-meaning perhaps, but entirely misguided garbage that will not prepare these people to be attorneys or frankly even humans who can handle life.

unaluna · Jul 29, 2022 at 10:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by atisketatasket

Tagalog.

Im learning it from watching 90 Day Fiancé.

Lonelyinmyheart · Jul 30, 2022 at 03:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by stopdog

Clearly I am in the minority but I still think that there needs to be more bucking up and less gooey whining. I am gearing up for the fall version of mollycoddling and pc idiocy well-meaning perhaps, but entirely misguided garbage that will not prepare these people to be attorneys or frankly even humans who can handle life.

In my view, people who have been able to face the limitations of their parents and the deep emotional pain that can come with it, who have tried to forgive and/or move forward in whatever form that looks like to them, who perhaps deal with becoming parents knowing how limited they themselves are and all the love and pain this brings, show a huge amount of courage and ability to handle what it means to be human.

They may not make attorneys, no, but then not everyone would want to be. But humans - yes - as being human in my opinion is all about living with the beautiful mess that we are.

atisketatasket · Jul 30, 2022 at 06:33 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by stopdog

Clearly I am in the minority but I still think that there needs to be more bucking up and less gooey whining. I am gearing up for the fall version of mollycoddling and pc idiocy well-meaning perhaps, but entirely misguided garbage that will not prepare these people to be attorneys or frankly even humans who can handle life.

I haven’t had time this summer to even start preparing for classes. But yeah, not looking forward to certain types of students. Also after the first seven months of this year for me I am less inclined towards sympathy. If I can be doing my job given all that, so can they.

atisketatasket · Jul 30, 2022 at 06:36 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by unaluna

Im learning it from watching 90 Day Fiancé.

Behold, a sentence that ignores the apostrophe while including the acute accent.

You never cease to amaze me.

Jul 30, 2022 at 08:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by atisketatasket

I haven’t had time this summer to even start preparing for classes. But yeah, not looking forward to certain types of students. Also after the first seven months of this year for me I am less inclined towards sympathy. If I can be doing my job given all that, so can they.

I'm guessing you mean the students who mess around and don't want to learn?

The one surviving school report of mine says I was eager to please the adults

With hindsite, I'm wondering if it was how I was being treated by others, at school and at home

Bullying and physical abuse meant I learned shut down mode, which has stayed with me all these years

stopdog · Jul 30, 2022 at 08:52 AM

I actually think most of the students can handle it if the administration and the touchy feeling do good Social workers/or whoever they are in the administration that does this sort of crap would stop Trying to convince them that they are victims of some thing and to keep whining and needing to be cuddled. One of my big concerns is how they seem to try and talk students into thinking they can't handle things on their own.

stopdog · 09:15 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lonelyinmyheart

In my view, people who have been able to face the limitations of their parents and the deep emotional pain that can come with it, who have tried to forgive and/or move forward in whatever form that looks like to them, who perhaps deal with becoming parents knowing how limited they themselves are and all the love and pain this brings, show a huge amount of courage and ability to handle what it means to be human.

They may not make attorneys, no, but then not everyone would want to be. But humans - yes - as being human in my opinion is all about living with the beautiful mess that we are.

I agree that different views make the world go round. And all the people that I teach are in Law School, so presumably they do want to be attorneys.

Quietmind 2 · Jul 30, 2022 at 12:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by stopdog

do good Social workers/or whoever they are in the administration that does this sort of crap would stop Trying to convince them that they are victims of some thing and to keep whining and needing to be cuddled.

I sure hope they're not like social workers in my part of the world where young adults who endured CSA or faced life threatening violence gets asked why don't they go back to their family and reconcile.

Where administration thinks people with C/PTSD are just whining and weak.

Jul 30, 2022 at 03:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by stopdog

I actually think most of the students can handle it if the administration and the touchy feeling do good Social workers/or whoever they are in the administration that does this sort of crap would stop Trying to convince them that they are victims of some thing and to keep whining and needing to be cuddled. One of my big concerns is how they seem to try and talk students into thinking they can't handle things on their own.

i'm confused now, stopdog, if a student has actual disagnosed mental health problems, are you saying they cannot try and become something they want to be?

WarmFuzzySocks · Jul 30, 2022 at 03:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by stopdog

Clearly I am in the minority but I still think that there needs to be more bucking up and less gooey whining. I am gearing up for the fall version of mollycoddling and pc idiocy well-meaning perhaps, but entirely misguided garbage that will not prepare these people to be attorneys or frankly even humans who can handle life.

I am a pretty mushy person, and I've noticed there are a lot of young folk who haven't developed a lot of resilience, flexibility, or self-advocacy skills (at least ones that go beyond saying "I have a problem" and into responsibility for identifying and pursuing solutions).

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Couch 238: Appreciating Small Progress Couch

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ArtieTheSequal Writing my way through... Member Since Feb 2020 Location: In the desert Posts: 7,218 (SuperPoster!) 4 5,754 hugs given	Jul 29, 2022 at 07:00 PM #984 Hugs and head nods all around as appropriate. It's monsoon-ing here right now so I'm only here for a minute, not staying on my computer too long - lots of lightening today!
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Daffydungle Poohbah Member Since Apr 2020 Location: Nowhere Posts: 1,257 3 451 hugs given	Jul 29, 2022 at 08:13 PM #986 I was hampered in my parenting by my ex who refused to come to any parenting classes and undid most the work i was trying to do by threatening physical violence. Yelling and thumping walls got the kids to do things but they have anxiety disorders as i result. We were all terrified of him.
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