Couch 238: Appreciating Small Progress Couch

SK I was in your friends' position with my oldest daughter. I had no experience with it, I assumed it was BAD and meant she was just a step away from doing something awful. I didn't know how to talk with her and I did everything wrong that one could do in that situation.

Does your friend know it's nothing more than a (maladaptive) coping skill? Is she aware of how difficult it is to "just stop" and that your greatest wish would be to wake up tomorrow and not have to fight that urge? Has she ever been forced into the hospital and not allowed to leave? Had zero input on what happened to her?

She is probably like I used to be. Very aware that people who are struggling need support but very ill-equipped to actually provide it. She probably really means well but maybe she is just blundering her way through it.

I hope you feel better!

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Thanks, StressedMess

That is why I tried to give my friend a lot of grace. Even though I told her she hurt my feelings I told her that I remember that she cares about me and she loves me. At the end of my message, I reiterated how much I care about her and that I love her. I also acknowledged that it must be very difficult to know the right thing to say sometimes. I also told her how glad I was to hear from her, as I always am. So I tried to impart that even though she didn't say something helpful this time, I still want to hear from her and I desire support and comfort from her.

My friend can be very blunt and "short" with me. She also tends to be sort of like, "well you made your own bed, so lie in it" instead of trying to be comforting or something similar. It's not the first time she has hurt my feelings and it won't be the last, I'm sure. Unless she dumps me as a friend! Which I do worry about. She is always harping on me about the consequences. It's not like I don't understand the consequences. Maybe I don't deserve kindness and grace.

Having Schizoaffective and not being able to really trust one's own thoughts at times it can be disconcerting when others don't seem to trust them either. To be told, "I hope your therapist can help you see" kind of sounds like, my way of thinking is all wrong and convoluted. And it might be. But my feelings are still valid, even if they are not rational.

My T just texted me back and said I wasn't overreacting. That's nice to know. I am just really fed up over my situation over the past week and how dang hard it is to obtain proper help. I just want to curl up in bed for a week and not exist.

I would think that someone saying "I hope your therapist can help you see..." is a way of saying back that they don't know what to say but hope you get help from someone- probably because that is what I say when I don't know what the other person wants or if I simply can't do what they want. I would not ever say I am a good support person for that - I am not. I am good for other things but not that. And even though I acknowledge that is not my forte - there are misguided souls who still come and try to get the equivalent of blood from a turnip from me.

Hugs, Kit. I agree that many (possibly even most?) people don't know how to support someone with mental health issues, particularly in the one area you're talking about. One reason I find this forum so helpful is that there are other people who just "get it." The other thing is, someone could have a similar issue and find a particular thing helps them, when it might not help you (or me). It's sort of like dealing with grief, where one thing might be comforting to one person, but hurtful (or at least unhelpful) to another.

Honestly, I would suggest that you not go to this friend for this sort of thing in the future, if she tends to say hurtful or at least unhelpful things. I feel with my friends, there are a couple where I feel I can talk about this sort of thing (and really anything mental health or therapy-related), a few more where I can talk about more general mental health stuff (depression, anxiety, etc.--maybe on occasion something going on with my therapist), and a few others (who I don't see/talk to that often), where I just avoid the topic all together (in some cases, where I've just learned they won't be helpful with it). Same with family members (well, there's maybe only a couple family members--one being an in-law--where I feel I could talk about it).

It's something I've learned in part through working with my T, that some people in our lives are better at certain things than others. Like, there might be a friend I go to when I need a laugh or to vent about work, but it's not someone who I'd look to for emotional support. (And maybe one I'd look to for emotional support, but couldn't talk to her about work.) And that's OK.

It also can be a case, as StressedMess mentioned, of having to be very specific in what you need from someone at a given time. Like, "I don't want advice, I just want support." Or "I just want you to listen, you don't even really need to say much of anything." Or "I know you don't understand why I do this, but it's a coping mechanism for me--think of it like smoking, where maybe it's not the healthiest thing, but it helps me cope." (or choose your own example). To stress that you're not truly in immediate danger (hence my using smoking as an example vs., say, drugs, where maybe you *could* be in danger).

I hope this helps in some way. I'm not saying your friend doesn't love or care about you--she may just not be the best choice to go to in this situation.

Also, I'm glad your T replied. Will she be around this weekend?

Thank you stopdog and LT

This person is one who my Pastor Therapist suggested I go to for support so it is really awkward when she isn't really that supportive but I have like hardly anyone I can talk to IRL about any of this stuff and 75% of the time she will just send back a prayer or something and that is something I find comforting. So not probably going to completely stop talking to her about things. But I do definitely need to be more specific in what I am looking for in a response.

All day I have been worried that I hurt her feelings by telling her she kind of hurt my feelings. She is in Israel right now and so we are texting and sending voice messages (well I sent her one voice message on her birthday singing happy birthday to her) and you know how things can go in texts where there is no inflection or tone or body language to cue into. But we usually talk on text anyway so that can probably be part of the problem. But when I do speak to her in person she does give the most amazing hugs and for that I am thankful/grateful.

T will be in Las Vegas this weekend "throwing money away" as she put it. I don't know how much she will be around for my dramatics! I did just extend my contract with her so that probably helps. Hopefully I will start feeling a glimmer of better soon. Things can't stay miserable forever! I think I am just fragile right now and that's making things harder on everyone around me. That's why I think it would be better if I didn't exist for a week. When I begin to exist in a week, hopefully all bad things would be better and I would be out of this mess. Wishful thinking. I'll get through it one day at a time...maybe one moment at a time. And mostly by myself, except for you all.

HUG for LT and headnot for stopdog

Kit

Hugs to all who want/need.


Well we were supposed to hear from the refrigerator repair place today if the parts came in, but they never called. H called them a little bit ago and left a message. We don't have much space in the small fridge we borrowed from our friends, so maybe we'll go pick up burger doodle or something for dinner tonight. Or, I could throw something together out of the pantry, maybe cook some pasta and toss frozen veggies in it. Not many choices right now... I have my drum circle in less than 3 hours, looking forward to that as I had to miss it last week due to buying the car. There's a thunderstorm brewing outside, hopefully we don't lose power.


In other news, I still want to cut my hair!

Gentle hugs, Kit. It's hard feeling so fragile.

Never heard of that one! Gonna go check it out now.

eta: it looks rather terrifying...

ok that was hard. i lost. i missed by 2 words. oh well! but it gave me something to occupy some time with waiting for my drum circle to start in 30 minutes....



it was fun though! i will try it again tomorrow.

Burger Doodle? If that's the name of an actual restaurant, that's the silliest (in an amusing way) name I've heard in a while.

Hey Kit. The part I bolded is absolutely correct, though I fail to believe it a LOT. My T at the crisis center said that it is physiologically impossible to stay so low for a long period of time. I don't know, it gave me a little bit of hope. And she was right.

I have discovered that i can have donuts delivered. What a world we live in, but you still cant have milk delivered by the milk company anymore

heehee no that's just what we called all 'fast food' when i was a kid

Just logged off from my weekly zoom drum circle. I'm feeling a whole lot better than I was earlier today, less lonely maybe, less disconnected from life, or something. I dunno.

T (and now L) tell me "It's only temporary". So far, they've been right. It hasn't always been bad. L says that's the lie depression tells you.

Kit, you've had good times. While going through this hard period, try to hold onto that. Your cats, your dad bringing you goodies, work's different foods, the dinner with your bosses, the children you sponsor. I'm not saying it isn't hard right now. I am saying to try to hold onto hope. And if you can't right now, we'll hold it for you. I know L always is holding hope for me when I'm struggling and it helps.

Hi Couch,

Despite the Amazon saga, I've been kind of excited this week, waiting for delivery of a special edition book I ordered. Turns out I'll be waiting a while longer, as it's not actually going to ship until September.

George Harrison's wife has written a book of poems to commemorate the twentieth year of his passing. I'm a George Harrison superfan, so this is something I had to have.

If anything, I'm disappointed that I didn't read the page properly. I'd have had to read right to the bottom to see the September date.

Got up early to try to see the moon/planets aligned in the sky. It's pretty cloudy though, so all I can see is the moon and either Jupiter or Saturn. Since I'm up, and overtime is open today still, I'm gonna log onto work and do a couple hours. Might as well make the $, and I'm still feeling pretty good after the drum circle last night. That was SO much what I needed, I didn't realize how much I have come to depend on it until I had to miss it last week while car-buying.

That was a quick 2 hours!

Hi all.

Aftercare was really good last night. Always when I don't want to go, it ends up being like the best night. We did a song share...where we each take turns sharing a song that speaks to us when we are going through stuff.

This is the song I shared. FYI/Trigger it's Christian so you might not want to listen to it if that bothers you:

Elizabeth Grace - Greater (Lyrics) - YouTube

Then we did a worksheet about something we want to change about ourselves and different questions related to that like who can support us, what are potential obstacles, stuff like that. I said that I wanted to be a better advocate for myself and what I need.

Then for the second hour since it was a really small group (only three of us and the therapists) the therapist R decided not to play the Ted Talk he had scheduled because two of us had seen it before. So instead we did a team building exercise called the um game where we take turns answering random questions. It's supposed to build rapport. It's really fun.

So that really helped end my day on a better note. I'm glad I went to Aftercare!!