Wanting your T

On a different note,

T texted me several times last night (I was sleeping). Apparently she got in a minor car accident...minor as in she thinks she ran over a big rock...and while she is okay, her car is not. So she needs to get a rental car and take her car in and so forth and so on. So she doesn't think she can make my appointment tonight at 6 PM. She kind of said, maybe she could talk later than 6 PM, then she said maybe we could do Thursday at 5 PM (I can't do that, as it interferes with Aftercare). Then she said she couldn't do Thursday at 5 afterall. Then she said maybe this weekend. Etc. Etc. Three texts full of all this random information without a set time when she could actually make our appointment.

I'm just kind of like, whatever at this point. I did not have a good morning, emotionally, and did some behavior that I am trying to stop. I don't know what is wrong with me. I have no idea when I will actually be able to talk her her now. So that's not great. I would prefer having an actual time when we can meet. But she'll get her schedule sorted sooner or later and then hopefully let me know.

I'm so sorry she's messing you around, Kit. It can't be helped, obviously...but it still sucks.

I think the first part of her response was an attempt to normalise what you'd expressed, but she could have accomplished that without the 'unhealthy' part.

I've had similar conversations with R about asking for things in the past...and now I can mostly look at her whilst I'm doing so.

'You can use this space to practice' is what she always likes to remind me.

Thanks Lost.

Y'know it is strange because yesterday when I was texting her and saying how I was looking forward to talking with her today, I almost did not send that part because I was like, something is going to come up. And sure enough.....it did. Of course it can't be helped. It's just not great timing.

I like that, "You can use this space to practice." That's good. Hopefully I remember it.

I think this is an incredibly honest response by the therapist. One of the few I have ever heard or seen.

I know you are very religious and I am absolutely not - but are you sure your church and the people there are helping you or are they still telling you wants are bad?

Thanks stopdog

I think that my Church is kind of on the wants are bad side...unless what you want is to be very self sacrificing. So wanting or needing something/someone is opposite of that. Definitely a set of messages that I have to deal with in order to get somewhere on this.

Have you thought about exploring other churches? I mean I understand that you still want church of some sort but perhaps a kinder one or whatever the term would be?

(I am trying to tread lightly here because I am someone who believes religion causes more pain than it relieves and I may be using the wrong terms)

Well we are going through some changes right now as a Church. Our Pastor retired, we are looking for another one, so we'll see what comes of it. I'm attached emotionally I guess to some of the people there so that would tough I suppose, to say goodbye to them.

Ugh, I'm sorry Kit. She seems really flaky with scheduling. I mean, I know this was a car thing, but there was the trip to Vegas, then she had a fall at one point, right? And issues with her teeth? I know they're all separate things (though the Vegas one would bother me!) But it seems like she should find a time that works for you. Hugs...

ETA: Also, it sounds frustrating that she's offering up times, then taking them back. She needs to figure out what she can offer before she suggests them to you. I hope you can find a time this week to meet with her.

Kit, I'm not pushing you in either direction, I just wanted to say: you can have a connection with people without being in the same church as them. If there's some people you like, but not the overall message, you can still explore options for the overall thing while maintaining relationships with the people that are nice.

I definitely relate to the feelings of wanting T and longing for comfort from her. Sometimes they are unbearable. They are totally normal feelings to have, especially in context with therapy when all sorts of feelings from the past are stirred up. They're not bad or wrong.

I understand not knowing how to feel about her text. I would be really disappointed by that response. My guess is she was trying to normalise having feelings and needs, which is a good thing to do if it fits with where you are, but unfortunately she missed what you were needing from her in the moment and didn't really empathise. It was a misattunement, as it were.

Such a shame your sessions have been messed up. It's so unsettling especially after all this. I hope you hear from her about a time soon.

In regard to religion/church, I have nothing against it as I share many beliefs, but I think religion often tries to make you run before you can walk in regard to needs and self sacrifice. It doesn't teach that people who grew up with severely unmet needs will naturally seek to meet those needs and develop a healthy sense of self before they can reach a point of being able to give oneself to their faith in a wholesome way. From a psychological perspective, Carl Jung (I think) said that people need to grow a healthy ego before they can let go of it. Religion can become a way to deny your own needs and keep you stuck otherwise, when it should be the opposite - encouraging growth and healing.

Her less than helpful response does not take away from your feeling (and ultimately expressing) wanting to see her, SK. Your feelings are the truth, it is how you felt. So, I would not regret having spoken your truth. (regardless of her subpar response, your truth doesn't change)

I just wish for you that she had been more professional and set an appointment rather than sending you text after text of irrelevant information and leaving you dangling...

Btw, there is nothing wrong with you. You are struggling and need support.

CNS, not necessarily. I was a part of a church that was similar to Kit's. I lost everyone. It would be nice if Kit could maintain those relationships, but it doesn't mean she will.

I'm not trying to scare you, Kit. I just know how important and a big part of you life this church is. While I no longer support these types of churches, I understand the draw to them.

Thank you everyone for your replies and thoughts. Probably will write more on this later. I'm kind of a mess at the moment and need to get my crap together so I can respond properly.

Hopefully I hear from my T about a time soon when we can actually meet. Although I have the "I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop" sort of feeling. Like maybe she is going to dump me as a client or something.

I tried to see if I could get a teledoc therapy appointment just to get some support but nothing was soon, so I didn't bother. I can probably see T before then.

I'm sorry if I offended anyone. I was mainly speaking from my own experience, where people in such organizations would be mostly understanding!

No worries, CNS. I wasn't offended. HUGS kit

How do you feel about sending something like this to T: 'hey T, let me know a time. I need support' (or 'i am struggling' or 'I need to connect' or whatever it is you feel you need)

Yeah, good idea, Rive. If I don't hear from her today, I'll send that tomorrow. I think I have met my text quota today. (Not that we have a quota but I have already texted her a few times.)

I wasn't offened either Was only giving my experience. I don't actually know Kit's church. I just know from what she's said, mine was similar. But her fellowship might be more open then mine were.

No appointment time from T yet. She did text me to tell me that I am not fine. (Actually in my text I had said I will be fine. Not that I was fine.) And that I would be okay. (How the heck does she know that I will be okay? I don't even know if I will be okay. It's probably just something they say to try to be comforting.) Then she asked if I was at home or work. But no times yet as to when she can meet. Sigh.

I feel like somehow I cosmically caused this car accident to happen by telling her that I was looking forward to talking to her today. I knew that when I sent that I should not because SOMETHING would happen and we wouldn't be able to talk today. And then sure enough, that's exactly what happened. That is probably "magical thinking" or some such nonsense on my part but it looks like it came true.

I'm glad she responded in some way, but sorry she hasn't given you a time yet. Maybe with the "You'll be OK," she was trying to get you to have faith in yourself that you'll get through it? I don't tend to find that helpful for me either.


I understand what you mean about the magical thinking, as I do that as part of OCD. I feel like I caused something to happen to lead T to switch to virtual Sunday because when I was at a concert Saturday night near his office, I thought to myself, "I'll be right back here in a little over 12 hours" and had also thought of something I might was to share in session (that would work better in person).