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Legendary Wise Elder
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#1
Hi All,
So I started talking about this on the couch but then I thought I would post it in it's own post. Today I have these feelings of wanting my T. Not in a romantic way or anything. Just wanting to talk to her, wanting to see her (on Zoom--we don't meet in person), wanting to hear her voice, just wanting her. Wanting that connection, that closeness, that particular brand of comfort that only she can bring. Of course, I was fighting these feelings because wants are bad, right?!! At least, that is what I was taught. But I realized that there are some positives in the wanting. It means that I am trusting her. That I believe she is trustworthy. That she is safe. That she is comforting. It's a deepening of our relationship. This is a positive thing. I took an interesting step and texted her and tried to communicate this *want* to her. I don't know that I did a good job. I think I am doing a better job here, but I am not so limited in space. It's weird to tell my T stuff like, "I am wanting to talk to you today," and "I am finding comfort in knowing that we will talk tomorrow." It is strange to think of myself as a person with wants. Because wanting "stuff" emotional or otherwise was always frowned upon when I was a child. So it's hard to allow myself space for that. To acknowledge that all people have wants and needs and that it is perfectly okay...well I'm trying to get to that step. Because of course, it doesn't feel okay. I'm not even in crisis at this moment, so I don't know what is driving these feelings of want. It's baffling. Anyone relate? __________________ Dum Spiro Spero IC XC NIKA |
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Legendary Wise Elder
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#2
By the way....this feeling is uncomfortable.
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Tweaky Dog
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#3
Hi Kit,
What jumps out at me from your post is the last line: 'I'm not even in crisis at the moment, so I don't know what is driving this feeling of want.' You don't have to answer here, but I'd invite you to think about what you've just said. Do you feel like you have to be in crisis to have wants and needs? As uncomfortable as this feeling is, I think it shows that you are becoming more secure with your T...and that's something to celebrate. My feeling is that there might be a useful discussion in starting your next session with a conversation about this. 'I wasn't allowed to want or need things as a child, so I find it difficult to admit that I want your support...' You can of course modify that according to what you feel would be most helpful. The discomfort is evident in the fact that you've made this post. I hope that you can get to a place of being able to validate your own feelings and needs...but I know how difficult that journey is. HUGS, Lost __________________ 'Somewhere up above the great divide Where the sky is wide, and the clouds are few A man can see his way clear to the light 'You have all the grace you need for today, and today is all that matters.' - Steve Austin |
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Legendary Wise Elder
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#4
Quote:
BTW, she texted and said she would reach out to me later...don't know why this makes me anxious as connection with her is what I wanted?!! But maybe it's that weird push/pull things with relationships. I get vulnerable and then I freak out that I am vulnerable. Yes, I do think that I need to be in crisis to have wants and needs. trigger (sh)
Possible trigger:
I do think that there is some good stuff to talk about in therapy here somewhere. Do I know how to actually do that? Probably not. But we'll see. Thanks for your lovely reply. HUGS Kit __________________ Dum Spiro Spero IC XC NIKA |
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Tweaky Dog
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#5
You're very welcome, Kit.
I care about you. Perhaps you could start by telling your T that you feel you need to talk about something (this) but don't know how? __________________ 'Somewhere up above the great divide Where the sky is wide, and the clouds are few A man can see his way clear to the light 'You have all the grace you need for today, and today is all that matters.' - Steve Austin |
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catches the flowers
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#6
Yes, the "want" is excellent material for therapy, I believe. I am pretty sure I've had the same feeling about my therapist...I call it "longing." It's bittersweet. The feeling of trust and comfort is lovely, in a certain way. But the other part, and I'm not sure myself what "that part" is (I'm still trying to figure it out) is miserable. Painful, even.
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Legendary Wise Elder
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#7
Quote:
Yes, there does seem to be another part to the want (or longing). And it is kind of painful. I don't know what it is either. I'm trying to decide if these are real feelings, or transference, or something else. I've had therapists before, but the only other one I felt this way about was my former T--who was lovely. And I haven't seen her in years. I miss her though. I never did work through these feelings with that T so I don't want to miss the opportunity with this T. But it's hard to work on something that I don't really have words for...... __________________ Dum Spiro Spero IC XC NIKA |
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Legendary Wise Elder
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#8
My T replied:
"I understand. But guess what? I have wants and needs as well...Not all of them healthy...and I love to feel wanted/needed by my clients!! So it's a win-win." __________________ Dum Spiro Spero IC XC NIKA |
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Legendary Wise Elder
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#9
I have no idea how I feel about my T's response.
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Legendary Wise Elder
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#10
I think that was not the response I was expecting. I guess I wanted something comforting. That's why I hate wants. It just leads to disappointment.
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Legendary Wise Elder
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#11
Not going to tell T *that* though.
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Elder
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#12
Quote:
In regards to your original post, I feel ya. I also think it is perfectly ok and normal to have wants and needs, especially emotionally. I say this as a person who is very slowly and begrudgingly admitting I have them too! |
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Magnate
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#13
It is difficult to 'learn' - and sometimes even accept - that it is okay to have wants and needs and that these should have been valued and respected by our caregivers. And more so, to have been supported in achieving these wants/needs.
Unfortunately, growing up in environments where there was no secure attachment or modeling, we think we need to go it alone or that needs/wants are 'wrong' or that we need to be desperate before 'indulging' in such feelings and so on. It does seem that you feel safe enough with her and are learning that it is okay to have wants and you do not have to be in crisis to express these. I would go further to say that expressing wants/needs when *not* in crisis may serve as a protective factor to warding off potential crises. I also personally believe that vulnerability shows strength, so it was brave of you to say it to T. |
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Magnate
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#14
Good gracious at her response though!
I get that she was trying to be helpful but... what. the. heck. |
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Wise Elder
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#15
It's okay if her response didn't hit the right spot. And you can tell her that without dismissing her efforts. Part of what I learned from L is that not only are big wants, needs, and feelings are okay, but so is asking for them. And I'm still learning how to be more specific. For example: lately I've been wanting soothing. I thought I was being pretty descriptive until L let me know that "soothing" doesn't actually give a specific need... Oye! So were working on what need needs to be met for me to feel soothed. It's a process, but a good process. The more you can practice with your T, the better you'll be able to get your needs met from others as well.
I know it's scary working with feelings (and wants and needs) at first. Well, it's still scary for me. But overtime it is getting easier. I'm trusting L more and more and am learning that she can accept "all my multitudes". You're doing great, Kit. This is where some major healing can happen. It's not easy, but the reward is that some of your wants and needs will finally be met. __________________ "Odium became your opium..." ~Epica |
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Grand Poohbah
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#16
Others have already made lots of good comments, but I still wanted to jump in.
I know the feeling you describe. There's nothing bad happening or wrong, yet sometimes I want to just talk to my T and connect. I agree with you that it's actually a positive thing, although it is uncomfortable. I mainly just want to reassure you though that wants are not something bad, they are part of what makes you yourself and something to care about. I'm not saying do whatever you want at all times, wants can certainly be bad (for example wanting to eat 5 cheeseburgers or never do chores), but I think it's good to be mindful of your wants and try to satisfy them whenever healthy and possible. For example, wanting to eat 5 cheeseburgers is probably too much, but if you really want a cheeseburger, giving in to that want from time to time is something that can bring happiness and means you care about yourself. As long as nobody gets hurt, wants are a perfectly fine thing that inform you on what might be good for you. |
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Always in This Twilight
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#17
Quote:
And you make a good point how if you work on asking for what you need from T, it can help you get your needs met in your outside life, too. I find it can also be helpful to say you want something while admitting you know you can't get it. Like saying to your T "I really wish I could talk to you right now, but I know I can't." Which is basically what you did, Kit, in saying you're taking comfort in talking to her tomorrow. As then it doesn't sound like you're hoping she can call you that night, say. |
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Always in This Twilight
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#18
Quote:
Wanted to say that I'm puzzled by this response, too. I think it would have been much better without the "not all of them healthy" part. It seems she's trying to tell you the need is OK (and meets a need in her). But I don't think that was what you were trying to get from her, right? |
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Wisest Elder Ever
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#19
I'm puzzled by her response Hugs to you Kit
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Legendary Wise Elder
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#20
Thank you all for the responses. I am certainly going to work on asking more directly for what I need. Although I really did not need anything specifically from T yesterday. I just wanted to tell her how I was feeling. Her response wasn't helpful but that's okay.
Working on accepting needs and wants in myself is going to take time. But it's a process. __________________ Dum Spiro Spero IC XC NIKA |
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