Couch 239: Cape Coral Couch

Thank you East.

Yes, some of the people's advice on here feels like criticism. "Get a job" is one example. It's so simple to say that especially without being in my shoes. And my family is another source of criticism. My sister told me once that I was ****ed. Or my dad who lives with me, doesn't even come out to help. He tells me all the time: "NMP": not my problem. And my mom doesn't respond when I reach out. I've even told H's family members he was abusive and they just laughed at me.

I'm trying to stay strong and stable through it. Trying not to react. I'm trying to be kind to myself. It's hard.

Hugs, Scarlet.

I thought I was getting to a point where I could finally start to deal with all the stuff still in boxes in my house. But then I went through a box. It contained some stray lightbulbs and batteries and some little storage boxes that go in drawers. Ok. A few random items I don't know what they are because they were his from his garage. Less ok. My smoke detector was in there. Very not ok. I know he removed it that night for obvious reasons and, yeah, I haven't had one since then. Then there was a refrigerator magnet I bought a zillion years ago when he and I took a trip to the Blue Ridge Parkway. I put it in a drawer, then I took it out again, then put it back again. Now it's in the trash but I may go get it out again. How much consternation can one cheap tourist trap trinket cause me? I know I have to eventually do this stuff, I just wish it didn't dredge up so much stuff for me.

I’ve been in my minimalism phase for almost 5 years now. When i had trouble letting go of things taking photos of the items actually helped. You could still remember it but just no longer posses it. The thing is though you have to do it at your own pace. Go much slower if you have to. It’s not a race.

No judgement from me Scarlet, my mother never left my father because she was in another country on her own without a job and 4 kids.

Right now you do need more support. In the UK we have women’s aid. I’m pretty sure you might have something similar in the US. Even if you don’t want to leave they can still provide support and have helplines with staff and forums. Domestic abuse victims always get higher priority for accommodation here- perhaps there’s also some government support or programs available?

Hugs, Scarlet. You don't deserve this treatment from your H (or from anyone).

I know it can be very easy to be critical of someone else's situation from the outside. When no one knows all the details of one's life unless they're the one living it. If it was that easy to make changes, we would just...make them. But it's often not so easy, for so many reasons. Some of which we may not even fully realize ourselves. I know this from personal experience. It sounds like you're trying your hardest first to survive and then to find a better way forward for yourself. And that takes a lot of strength.

Hugs, NP. I'm also someone who can be very affected by something seemingly small like a trinket. So I get it. It has meaning for you. I can see why you might not want to throw it away, because it reminds you of better times. At least, I assume that's why it's difficult to get rid of.

It seems like something you could talk about with your T, maybe? Possibly even bring the magnet into session and discuss it? Throw it away there if you want to do so and feel you can't do it at home. Or, I don't know, if you can't bring yourself to throw it away, ask your T to hang onto it for you?

Scarlet, I've been really impressed by how much progress you're making with L. Your thoughts about issues you and other people are going through, your periods of stability, and even just the way you phrase things all show that you're going through some tremendous growth. You might not be ready to make all the changes you want to make all at once, but who knows where you'll be in six months or a year if you keep working this hard??

Thanks EM! That means a lot to me. I feel seen. I do try real hard (and as L would say "and succeeding"). Even T noticed that I have longer periods of stability. I haven't needed hospitalization and haven't SH since being with L. And even this vacation that L went on last week, I was able to open up and connect with a therapist I've never met before.

Had an emergency session with Info today to discuss the mediation disaster.

Fashion report: black tank top, lavender paisley miniskirt.

She was visiting family, and her grandson (about 3) trotted by in the background a few times. Cute kid. Parents were at the hospital waiting for the second kid to arrive.

@@, I am just...gobsmacked, I guess is the most polite word I can think of...over the whole situation. Even the mediation, it seems like wth? Yikes. I am so sorry you're not being heard.

I went to the dermatologist and ended up getting a biopsy of an "I'm not really sure what that is" on my face. Now my face hurts and I want to go back to bed. Oh- I learned that those lines on the sides of our mouth are called marionette lines, which is kind of delightful.

@@, I hope info was helpful. I'm sorry you're going through all of that.

I hope it turns out to be nothing, WFS! And that your face feels better soon.

I've heard that before about the lines on our mouth and also like the term.

Hugs if wanted, WFS.

I've never had a biopsy, but I can somewhat relate to your experience, having had a similar thing frozen off a couple of weeks ago.

Hoping for a swift recovery, and nothing nasty to be revealed.

I just got devastating news from the gynecologist. I was asking her about an IUD. I need to be on birth control so I can take my statin. And I need an IUD if I'm going to have bariatric surgery. She told me that if I have bariatric surgery, I'll need the IUD for a minimum of 18 months afterwards. I knew this. Then she said that if I'm going to try to get pregnant, it has to be now. That IUD are not meant to be short-term. And probably by the time I'm ready to try to get pregnant again, my eggs won't be good enough and I'll need a donor. She said I might even need that now.

I'm crushed. Basically, I'll never have my own child. I can't get pregnant right now for so many reasons: financially can't afford it, H has low testosterone, H isn't capable of being a parent now (or maybe ever), and I'm not in the best of health. I was really hoping to try to get pregnant after the bariatric surgery, but I didn't realize that I might be permanently losing that option.

I know some women can have children all the way into their 50's. And I could adopt maybe one day. I was just hoping to have a child from me. It was my dream. I want to experience everything, even the hard things.

I was able to talk to L just now. I told her that if she wants a baby, to not wait like I have. It will cause me pain if she has a baby, AND I want to see her happy and have a full life. She said that made her tearful.

I accidentally spilled some frozen blueberries in my kitchen and the dogs decided to help. I used to have a white dog and now he is quite blue because he got down and splayed out to eat blueberries off the floor. It is a bit disconcerting.

Hugs, Scarlet, I'm sorry. I'm confused, though, as to why you'd need the IUD for at least 18 months after bariatric surgery. Is it because of the statin, or some other reason? And is there any way to freeze your eggs? I know they aren't as predictable as frozen embryo, which I'm guessing wouldn't be possible because of your H's low T. And they might be too expensive. Just a thought.

They don't want you to get pregnant for at least 18 months after the surgery. Might be to let your stomach heal or get used to food and absorption again? And I guess birth control pills don't absorb correctly after the surgery? You could do impant or shots or whatever type of birth control you want, just not pills. I'm going with an IUD because it has no hormones so it won't affect my mood.

Oh, that makes sense about the healing and absorption. The IUD seems like a good idea due to mood effects--I know one version of the pill that I was on years ago had a very negative effect on my mood (and migraines).