Letting yourself cry

Anyone else find crying in front of your therapist unbelievably impossible?

Been seeing my T for 4 years, trust them like no one else, but still. I can’t cry. I sense even the smallest amount of emotion surfacing, and I immediately shut down again.

It’s frustrating me so much at the moment. It’s like achieving this is all I want to do right now. I just want to be able to let that guard down, to let them into that part.

If anyone has any advice, it would be appreciated

Do you cry on your own or in front of other people? What happens to your body when you shut down because you feel emotions coming up?

I never used to cry, but I started seeing my T and had a crisis where I called him and I was already crying, and was still crying by the time I got to see him soon after. I'm not sure it's possible to force yourself to cry.

Were you able to cry when you were little?

It took me many months to cry in front of all the T's I've seen. I think in the case of first T it was over a year.

It got to the point I was so desperate to cry in front of T that I'd get myself really emotional just before leaving for a session - i.e listen to some deeply sad music, watch a sad clip on you tube, something like that. It didn't work every time but it got me to the point I could well up in front of T and from there on I felt more comfortable about it.

But it can take a very long time. Be patient with yourself.

Able to cry on my own now, but not in front of others and was not able to cry as a child.

Nothing much happens in the moment when I shut down, but generally after the session I feel the full extent of it and struggle to cope through the fact that I once again shut down.

Yeah I’ve definitely tried getting myself emotional prior to walking in. But as soon as I walk up to that door, I shut back down. I have probably welled up a little bit on a couple of occasions, but it’s just not cutting it.

I’m kind of done being patient with myself but I don’t know how to just make it happen 🙄

Have you spoken to your therapist about this? Can he or she say or do anything to facilitate the tears? For me, just a kind word can help so much when I'm on the brink.

Also, a t once told me to keep breathing when I was close to tears. My automatic reaction was to hold my breath to close down but once I allowed myself to breathe it helped the tears to flow.

Yeah my T knows. Planned to go in with some kind of idea of what could set the years off, but I’m coming up empty. You’re right, a kind word does go a long way sometimes.

I cry in front of my T all the time, so I can't help you with advice from my perspective. But I'm wondering--is it partly that you fear your T will be looking at you when you cry? If you feel like the tears could possibly be coming, could you ask your T to look away? Or else maybe hold something in front of your face so your T can't see, whether your hands, a pillow, blanket, piece of paper, whatever?

Another thought is to go back and examine with your T what made you feel unable to cry as a child. Did your parents teach you to keep emotions inside? Did you fear punishment or ridicule (by them or by others in your life) if you cried? Did you feel you just had to hold it together for some other reason? If you can go back to how you felt then, maybe it could help you now? And maybe it could help your T reassure you that whatever it is won't happen now?

Yeah there is definitely the fear of being looked at, but I tried sitting on the floor so if need be, I could cover my face. But that’s not helped.

Examining some of the childhood is probably a good road to go down, but I’m not sure I’ll be able to find the words to put to that which will result in me shutting down anyway. It’s a good idea though and something I will give some thought to tonight.

Just seems so hopeless that I’ll ever be able to break that wall

I am not a huge crier in the first place, but it took 7 years to cry in front of my T, and that is only because I lost my cat. Please don't force the tears. They will come when it is necessary or you are ready.

It took me a couple of years before I could 'cry' in front of my Ex T, and even then it was just the odd silent tear trickling down my cheek. It took another couple for me to feel safe enough to actually let those silent tears actually come more than that. Unlike you, it never seemed to bother me that I couldn't do it, but I think I know how you feel because I have similar intense frustration about other things. And the only advice I have is time, and talking about it, I'm afraid. But you said you had done both, so I'm not sure I've much else to offer, though I wish I did.
I fully cried once in front of my Ex T, right near the end of our work together. Coincidentally it was the session before she dropped the bomb shell that she was stopping work immediately. That was five years after we started working together. I turned away from her and she came and sat next to me, held me in her arms and it all just came. Heaving sobs, noise and all.

The only reason I mention it is because we had learnt over the years that touch was what allowed my emotions to come out. I know it is frowned upon and I know a lot of therapists don't allow it, but safe touch was what allowed me tears to come to the fore, as she would take my hand or allow me to rest my head on her shoulder. Something about it allowed me to really open up, to her and to myself, in ways I could not have otherwise.

But I don't know if that is possible in the work that you are doing.

Ps, I never used to cry at all, either, but now I find myself welling up to movies or sad stories or songs. The emotional defence wall has been softened, it seems!

Thanks for the response. I think safe touch can be so powerful in that way yeah. My T does welcome hugs and that’s been a recent thing I’ve stepped towards. I think I’m with you there, but the therapy space is a little awkward to really allow anything during the session.

I do hope it comes with time, but sooner rather than later because it is frustrating me a lot at the moment