Feel let down

Bad idea sorry.

Ouch, Lonely.

I'm sorry she wasn't able to keep her end of the bargain.
It may have been better if she'd been open about the possibility of being out of contact.
I hope you are able to find ways of taking this moment by moment.

I’m sorry. I’d find that really difficult too. It might be helpful to set up something else, like a backup T, for next vacation. Or maybe it would be worth trying one of those online services now while she’s gone?

I don’t mean to sound insensitive but it seems like you have an attachment
issue with your T. The whole idea of psychotherapy is to help resolve past issues
and be able to move on on our own. Most T’s in my experience would never let
me contact them personally , period. The only time I spoke to them was in session.
Learn to not need her so much anymore and eventually you won’t need her at all.

I'm sorry, Lonely. It doesn't sound stupid (and I'm sure I'd be reacting the same way, as my T is generally available for email when he's away).


I don't get the sense she was necessarily saying not to contact her, just that she had limited availability--and, for example, couldn't do a long phone call or a lot of texting. It sounds like she wasn't aware that this was going to happen (you'd think she'd have researched that before going though. I think there's a way to get a temporary international plan on one's phone). So it isn't a case where she intentionally misled you. I know that probably won't make it hurt less.

Would she be able to use something like Skype if you wanted to have a call? (That's still free, right?) Though it would be dependent on her Wifi availability. Out of curiosity, do you ever email with her? If so, that should be free for her to use, too, as long as she's on WiFi. If you have email info for her, maybe you could email and ask about other options, or at least clarify that she's suggesting you won't be able to call or text with her? Alternatively, you could reply to her text--just know that she might not reply right away--and maybe you could tell her she can reply via email, as it wouldn't carry a charge? Even just to clarify what she meant about contact.

Hugs, if wanted.

Thank you LT. I know she genuinely intended for contact to happen, she just didn't think it through and hoped for the best, which is in keeping with her personality. I did mention to her about data plans before she left but I have no idea whether she looked into it or couldn't get one. SMS texts usually aren't included though, or weren't in mine when I went abroad earlier in the year, albeit nowhere near as far.

T originally suggested a whatsapp call as that uses wifi. She has been using whatsapp I've noticed, but I can only imagine she doesn't have a good signal so is keeping her phone turned off most of the time. I have emailed her a few times so she would have access to that too but whatsapp would be easier.

I think she probably wrote the text to warn me her phone would be off a lot. I hope she didn't mean I can't text or call, but I like your idea to clarify that. My tendency is to just assume and get upset on my own rather than ask. Maybe I'll send a whatsapp msg and say something, not sure what yet. The other thing is, she is moving around a lot, so it may be that she's going somewhere soon where wifi will be very poor or nonexistent.

I do try not to text very much while she's away anyway, there's just something about knowing I can - and this year has been exceptionally awful for me, which T knows.

Thanks LT and for those of you who wrote supporting and understanding replies. I'm crying and it really means a lot.

For those of us with deep attachment wounds it is not as easy as just learn to not need need them anymore. And even though psychotherapy is to help resolve past issues that usually means a-lot of bumps and ruptures on the road along the way before anything starts to become 'resolved'. Many people on here have therapists that allow them to contact them. Some with stricter and clearer boundaries but it's not unheard of. With healthy boundaries and parameters it can be helpful for some people.

Agreed, as I'm someone else with attachment wounds. It's very common for people like us to become attached to our therapists if they're giving us something we didn't get in childhood (and/or our current lives), like empathy, validation, acceptance, etc. And that can be healing. The idea essentially being that as a client works through their issues (attachment and otherwise), they ultimately will become less attached to the therapist and ready to go on their own. Or something like that.

My therapist also allows outside contact, generally just emails, which he also permits when he's on vacation. He does theoretically charge if it takes him longer than 15 minutes to read and reply (or if they're very frequent), but he hasn't done that since the pandemic started and rarely charged me before (and times that he did, his responses were 5 or more paragraphs long). The charge, plus the fact that he usually only replies during a certain time frame each morning, are his boundaries (plus being email rather than text, because he uses his personal phone for work, too).

My previous therapist and former marriage counselor also allowed outside contact, including emails and the occasional phone call, and they did not charge (though with emails, their replies were very short, if they replied at all). So it's not that uncommon.

I have deep attachment wounds too.

I've seen several therapists over the years and worked on different levels and in different ways with each, as my adult life has in many ways reinforced the trauma I experienced in childhood.

First T was wayyy before the age of social media, mobile phones etc, but she did allow contact while on holiday (and to some extent between sessions, but she worked at a uni, so I used to pin the odd note on her office door). She used to go abroad 2-3 weeks every summer and give me a mailing address to which I could send written letters via - gasp!- the actual post, but of course they took a week or more to arrive so there was no response, just comfort in knowing she would receive it.

Both T2 and T3 allowed some contact between session, but rarely replied. Neither allowed contact while they were taking time off.

Current T is pretty unconventional and relaxed but even with her it is boundaried - pre pandemic our agreement was two texts a week max, which I know sounds a lot to some people, then post pandemic life got more difficult for me so she loosened the agreement, especially this year when things have been awful, so she never puts any sort of limit on it, but I'm aware enough of myself not to take advantage and I don't want to be stuck in the stress of needing replies from her.

Her replies are also pretty boundaried as she only ever sends a quick response over text and she doesn't do therapy over email, so any issues or questions that need anything more than a simple response are not responded to at all.

I can and have sent audio messages but she never responds to these. She will always listen though and I'm grateful for that. She will ring me if she has the time and I ask, but I very rarely do, and lately she has been so busy that a call is impossible anyway.

She never charges for any extras.

I'm very thankful for her. I've been able to do a lot of deep work with her as a result of how available she has been and I'm definitely a lot stronger than I was. I know she cares and I'm not just a client. And I know that even though she is flaky and upsets me, nothing is ruined.

I have deep attachment wounds too, and it's not like we choose to get attached to our therapists, really. I'm fairly sure most people who get attached wish they didn't get attached, so it bugs me when others take a subtle disparaging tone.

If you don't get attached, good for you! No ones telling you that you have to become attached.

My T is also pretty flexible, and when I need more support, I contact her more, or she loosens boundaries temporarily. I know some people would say that it can lead to an unhealthy dependence, but my T trusts that I'll naturally contact her less when I'm doing better. She also has clear conditions for increased time-limited flexibility. For other long term out of session contact, she only offers when she can comfortably sustain. She's also permanently loosened a previously strict boundary because she recognised I needed it. I actually apologised to her but she said I clearly needed it.

We've had only about 3 "boundary talks" in the years we've been working together. When she tightened email boundaries, she did explain why, and that it wasn't my fault because she wasn't clear in the first place.

She does state particular boundaries upfront, and those 3 talks above are because I'd follow strict "rules" to never ever cross her boundaries if I knew them... and so she wanted me to try asking...without me knowing her boundaries there beforehand.

There's definitely also been times I asked, and she said no.

I never got to see the original post, but I understand the pain of attachment. It is SO hard. I feel for ya, Lonely.

It is hard to follow the thread when the original post is missing. I hope your problem solved already.

Hugs. It bugs me too when others take a subtle disparaging tone.