L goes away too much!

For September, she's taking off for one week with no contact and then will do telehealth another week because she'll be out of town. October will be the worst: she's cancelling for 2 weeks where I'll have no contact. November is Thanksgiving. And then she'll take off probably the whole 1-2 weeks for Christmas/New Years.

I'm tired of her schedule. She takes off all federal holidays because of her stupid H. It feels like she's not committed to her job as much anymore.

I'm not talking to her right now. It's my way of throwing a tantrum. I don't want to say anything mean and I don't want to manipulate her. So sitting in silence is the best thing I could do right now.

I understand how you feel. My T doesn't go away quite as often, but she went away three times last year in a short space of time (despite the covid travel restrictions which ended up with her struggling to get home) and this year she's going away twice in the space of a month - a two week break followed by a few days at home and then a week's break, both abroad.

On the one hand I know she's entitled to do what she wants but on the other it's incredibly upsetting and makes me feel really angry. Yet there's nothing I can do/say.

I know it's horrible.

Ugh, that's so much time off, I'm sorry, Scarlet. Hugs to you. I know sometimes you see T during those times--is that an option? I know it's not the same, but I do find it helpful to see a backup.

Dr. T was off a few weeks ago for a week (well, more like 10 days), then he's off from now until next Friday (I will see him then), then he's off for like 6 days over Labor Day weekend (first weekend of September). Also in between there is my family trip to the beach, though I'll be able to meet with him virtually from there (they tend to be stressful, as my parents will be down there, too). It's been difficult for me because he's taken so few vacations since the pandemic. Plus he's had to do some random virtual sessions (without explaining why). So I get it.

I think it's good that you're showing restraint in not talking to her, for fear you'd say mean things or seem manipulative. I mean, I do think it could be helpful to express your distress about it rather than not saying anything at all, but if you feel you'd say things you'd regret and/or that could cause a rupture, it's probably better to hold off.

I do feel somewhat better having told Dr. T how the vacations/virtual make me feel, but I also said I understood that he needed--and deserved--some time off. (Though...L's time off seems excessive!) It was better for me to get it out than hold it in then explode on him at some point or be passive-aggressive. Though I still feel kind of bad about a couple things I said, and he said he how felt the only way he could make it OK for me was to never take time off (he said so in a kind way).

So maybe do think about whether it would help to talk to her about it more. Also, I'm not sure when your usual session days are, but if Mondays are one of them, I'd try to switch because federal holidays tend to fall on Mondays.

Yeah, my therapist is about to go to Alaska for two weeks at the end of the month to do VA evaluations. I wish there was an easy answer like "just don't need them so much" or "quit being attached so much". It's hard and that does seem like a lot of time off to think about all at once. I get the feeling that she would be able to handle you telling her how difficult this is for you, though.

She wrote me. In the first paragraph she says:WTH does our roles have to do with her vacations? Why make a point that I'm the client and she's thr therapist. I get that she deserves vacations. But does she mean vacations away from me? Like I'm a burden? Because I'm her job?

I know I can talk to her, but I don't want to. I need her to take my pain seriously, not to make excuses. She's going to have her vacations no matter what I do or how I feel. She is not predictable in her vacations except she takes off a week every month because there's so many federal holidays.

I just hurt. And I don't feel like she gets it.

LT,
I'm going to try to see T during L's two week vacation. I'm hoping she'll give me a reduced fee because I can't afford her rates.

And L and I see each other on Tuesdays and Fridays. But when a federal holiday comes up, she doesn't take one day off. She takes the whole week off. Those weeks are usually virtual.

My therapist took a day off a week and half ago so she had to bump my session to this past week. I find it really harder to cope over the long weekend. She also takes extra days off when it's a long weekend. I find even though she tries to make sure she see's me before or right after it's always hard when she goes on vacation. I am just dreading Christmas break this year.

Ugh, taking the whole week off/switching to virtual seems excessive, especially as there are some stretches where there is a federal holiday every month.

I hope T will give you a reduced rate. I think she has before, right?

I do hate when they use the therapist/client roles to explain things (like my T giving it as a reason why he doesn't share where he's going or when he says "it's a professional relationship"). I'm sure she doesn't mean it as a vacation away from you specifically But it's really hard being thought of as part of their "work," I know.

It's good she is saying that it's OK for you to grieve. But I see how that can also feel like she's putting it all on you rather than taking some of responsibility for her vacations and the effect they have on you (and presumably on other clients). Especially when she's taking more time off now than she did in the past. Mine has apologized (particularly with times he's had to do virtual), which has helped.

I think you do need to talk about this some with her. Maybe not right now, but at some point. I'm guessing it triggers feelings of abandonment, along with feeling less important and being a burden, as you said. Maybe she doesn't fully understand how it feels for you? Showing her some of what you've written here and in other posts might help.

Yes! Thank you LT. It does trigger abandonment and feeling like a burden. Also feeling like she favors others over me. I might show her this thread, however, I'm still not talking to her. I also emailed T asking for advice.

I would go back to her and ask what about that schedule is 'predictable'!!! I get that they are humans and need and have a right to holidays, yadadada, but seriously there HAS to be some sense of safety and predictability to the therapy too. She has said it, but doesn't appear to be giving it to you. Consistency is the key to a healthy and productive therapeutic relationship!

I could be wrong, but my interpretation of what she is saying is that the roles are part of the bittersweet mix. It would be very odd to tell anybody else you are in a close relationship with that you're just going to disappear for X amount of time and not be reachable and no they can't go with you. And yet the reason you can have this close, authentic, nurturing relationship is precisely because of those roles. She's isn't taking a break from you, but she is recognizing that your pain is very real and part of the sharpness of the pain is because the situation is sort of unusual in the grand scheme of human relationships.

I don’t like it when T goes away, It stinks.

It helps when he owns his part of it, and not just hides behind my role your role blah blah blah. I understand not wanting to talk about it too, though as you know it could be useful work when you’re ready.

It’s so hard!

I'm sorry, Scarlet. It's so hard! Hugs if wanted. What she wrote to you about the roles in your relationship - sorta brings to mind when my L would insist vehemently that "You don't really know me". I know it's not exactly the same thing but it's similar, in that it's still a slap-in-the-face reminder that it's a quote unquote professional relationship, that I was "just" her job and nothing more. And that hurt.

I sincerely hope you're able to work through all of this with her.

I don't even know what to say to her at this point. That I'm hurt? She already knows that. Nothing I say or do will change the situation. I have to "suck it up" and deal with it. But right now I can't deal with it. It's too much. And yes, she knows that as well. I don't know what to do, but I'm not okay.

I know this must be so so difficult Scarlet, but I'm proud of you for not doing it.

Not knowing the full content that she was responding to, I cannot say why she is defining the relationship of therapist/client but she is responding in DBT terms. She is not trying to justify her vacation time but she is checking/listing the facts and validating your pain and discomfort by pointing out the dialectic.

The facts are:
1. The relationship exists because she is the therapist and you are the client. AND
2. The client/therapist relationship creates a safe and predictable space for you to have an authentic/genuine person-to-person relationship (I read this as if it were not for the client/therapist relationship, then then two of you would not have a person-to-person relationship.
AND
3. It is okay for you to feel like she is not giving you enough, that the pain you feel when she is out of office is real.

All three of those things facts and are true at the same time. As a therapist she is going to continue to be there for you within the limit of the relationship AND she is going to continue to do what she needs to do for herself personally, outside of the office to maintain a healthy, happy life. If she did not work on herself, ie..not take the time off to recharge, maintain a healthy relationship with her....then she "may" start to think of her clients as a burden. (Not you in particular but any/all of her clients. She sounds like she puts a lot of effort into being there for you, allowing many texts, emails, and phone calls out of session, free of charge. How many other clients does she do this for? I can only imagine that would become overwhelming and very time consuming for anyone. Regardless of he answers to this last part, she is doing what she has to do to take care of herself. In a way, she is showing by example what you should be doing as well to take care of yourself.

While it is painful for you AND you want to be her only client AND have her undivided attention, I'm sure you also know that the last two are not possible. As a result, it is the client's job to find ways to take care of their own needs; of which, one of those ways is to attend therapy.

What suggestions does she have to help you help yourself at these times? I commend you on taking the self-constraint to not talk to her when you know your words will not be productive. I am also glad to know that she sees you virtually during national holiday weeks.

I find that very invalidating of my feelings. I have NEVER asked her to change herself or her vacations. I have ALWAYS been grateful for what she does do for me. This isn't about what she does or doesn't do. This is about my feelings about her taking a LOT of vacations. You're right. You don't know what she is responding to or the rest of the email. You don't know our relationship. And I feel like you're being very judgemental of me.

I uphold my end of my responsibilities as a client. Using these forums for SUPPORT is part of my responsibilities/agreements. I keep nothing from her. Even these forums she has read and appreciates the ones who do provide me with support.

I do have a lot of resources. As I mentioned above, I even reached out to T about this.

For now, I don't know how to talk to her. She already knows how I feel. We're at a stalemate. But I'm keeping my promises to her. I love her. This rupture doesn't change that.

I remember when my T took a lot of vacations. It was hard even though I know why about the therapy boundaries to keep the work safe, am grateful to her etc etc, like how you don't take L for granted.

I don't know how I'd talk to my T either. She's on a 2 week vacation, first one in quite a while, and it's tough because I'm not doing well mentally, and it's an interruption in my routines. Hers too, because she's said so before that she does think about clients and hope we'll all be okay even on vacation. That's even though both of us obviously want her to enjoy her breaks.

I've not really talked to mine about hers. I want to, because I think there can be good work that can be done, but have no idea how to start.

Thank you QM for understanding and relating. I'm sorry you're going through something similar.

L's time off is for different reasons. Yes, one being a vacation. I'm not trying to convince her to not go. I understand each reason. I think, and she thinks too, that I'm more triggered than normal because we've been working with my child parts.

I still haven't talked to her. I truly don't know to say. Sure, the child me is screaming "Don't leave me", but adult me understands why she is. Child me is afraid she's abandoning me, but adult me knows she always comes back.

I'm jusy waiting to either hear from L or T because I don't know what to do!