T angry at me

I told my T I’d like to take a break from trauma work because of some major changings in my life and too many things to handle. Basically I’m getting married and didn’t want to have to deal with SA memories now. Maybe it’s immature of me, I know it’s an important work but I need all the calm and good vibes possible. It’s just 4-5 sessions and T first understood that I wanted to give up out if fear and said, answer this: “is there ever a good moment to start such a work?” and then when I was standing on my position sort of got upset saying I can give up and call again once ready but then she doesn’t know if she will have a spot again, immediately (she took me back 2-3 times in the past I have to say). Then I told her I didn’t mean to stop therapy, just put it in standby for a few sessions.. while I have other issues, like Ed or self esteem that we could work on for just one month and a half.
She then seemed to understand and we will work on something else after the summer break, for this short time before that day.
Was that reaction normal? Did I really damage the trauma work by wanting to protect my feelings and nerves toward such a tiring moment? I am confused enough now, just wanted to preserve some mental sanity. Gosh, she got upset, why so? Then after clarifying she was again really kind but at first, I felt uncomfortable. Like I didn’t know if I was feeling more like a paycheck or guilty for sort of leaving her out of the blue. I know she doesn’t actually need my reduced pay - plus she’s full of requests, in any case. so then!?

No, she's being too defensive, in my opinion.

You make sense, not that you need to justify why but I'm saying that because you're doubting yourself.

Pausing trauma work can be very helpful and so is going slow with it because trauma is "too much, too fast, too soon". Even positive stressors like a wedding takes energy and its absolutely normal to want to pause deep work. There's plenty of other issues you can work on like you said.

Her being pushy like this honestly concerns me. I don't want to shake your trust in her, but I'm uneasy that she seemed to think you just want to avoid working in therapy? When you clearly said otherwise? Even if you were being "avoidant", that's the nature of trauma. Her job is to help you feel safer and that includes not pressuring you into continuing to process trauma. There can be a discussion on why, but the decision should be yours to make.

Whatever you want to talk about in therapy, and when you want to talk about it, should be entirely your choice. It makes no sense that she is upset by you wanting to control that. Sorry she isn't treating you properly.

Congratulations on the wedding though, hope you have a great day!

Was that reaction normal? No. Absolutely not.

What you write seems to suggest you are working with a T who hasn't a clue about trauma-work.

This: reinforces this idea. There might not be any 'good' moment to start trauma work but it should always be on the client's timeline - slowing down, dipping in and out of the work, or simply pausing the work which THE CLIENT decides on *not* the therapist.

A T who doesn't follow these? I would not start any trauma work with them.

I think you were right to tell her you need a break from the heavy topics and talk about stuff that isn't deep. I am shocked at how your therapist responded. Trauma work is very hard and take allot of energy. There are times I need to take a break from talking about trauma and my therapist is understanding. Congratulations on your wedding.

Thanks for the replies… I was also a little shocked because indeed T is experienced and sort of a personality in her field here.. also, has always asked how I was feeling and if it was a good day to work. otherwise I wouldn’t have stayed…
T had some major health issues recently which I also wrote about here and I have no idea if T’s going through something that may have affected her way to work and not even noticed (well we’re humans, I am very understanding if these things) or if it’s a sort of countertransference. I’ll try to see if it was just a blackout or it’s a lost cause.
Thanks - also for the wishes and encouraging words!

Congrats on your wedding.

I think it’s great that you were able to tell her what you needed, and kind of disappointing that she isn’t honouring your own sense of what’s right for you. IMHO one of the most healing things that can happen in therapy is learning to recognize what you’re feeling and honour your own needs. That ability to say no and know your own limits is the very thing that abuse takes from you. Part of of trauma work is ensuring that you’re safe, that your boundaries are understood and respected.

I wonder if other things were coming into play here like... marriage includes sexual relations so maybe she wanted to make sure you were going to be ok with that aspect of marriage .....before.... you got married and why she wanted to finish up what ever trauma work you are doing.

I also wonder upon reading this thread whether the new standards may be why she wanted to get through the trauma work.

quick info summary the DSM 5 TR was published in March 2022. trauma work is changing because of it. trauma work is no longer going to be about locating and working on more and more trauma.

Trauma work is refocusing on how to deal with today's triggers not on trauma memories or delving deeply into trauma memories.

basically treatment providers have a deadline once a new diagnostic manual and treatment guidelines are released. They have a limited amount of time to finish up with already started work and guide their clients into the new ways.

maybe your treatment provider is worried that waiting to get through the present issue you are working on will end up being that issue being left hanging in limbo because she may not be able to work the same way with you on that issue if she waits.

heres an example.... my treatment provider and I were delving deeper into one of my traumatic events, we put it on hold because I didnt want to work on this issue outside of face to face contact. now we have face to face contact but because she is now on the DSM 5 TR ways, she cannot work with me the same way on this issue. instead of delving into the traumatic event, trauma memories like we were doing before, we now have to stay in the moment with whether or not that traumatic event is affecting my life today and how and doing so ...........with out.......... going into the trauma memories, trauma event. Both of us are finding this hard to do. She has to keep redirecting me to keep my conversation not on the past but on the present. how is that traumatic event of witnessing a traumatic event against another is affecting me today in the violent world of protests and shootings and so on going on. it is so hard to talk in terms of today without delving deep into yesterday sometimes.

my point is maybe shes on a deadline and wants to make sure she finishes old work with you so that your being or getting married doesnt get affected by the past.

Thanks for the input!
I’m marrying my kids’ dad and i met him while in therapy with this T so she literally knows the whole timeline and story - but, since it’s indeed past SA i’m working on, I get your point and it’s a good one i had not thought about.
I have worked hard with T even quitting a few times. I do know T has had not exactly the best time or her life with me disappearing every now and then. It may be like you said and i hope it is. I just wish she had been a little softer/not so defensive in letting me know that she tought it could be a not so good idea for some reason. I hope I get the chance to talk to her upon our return, I really need to, but I’m afraid.