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Rustyfinger
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Default Aug 10, 2022 at 09:20 PM
  #1
I find this very difficult, but I want to address in therapy why I have such strong sexual desires, and how it's affecting my daily ordinary life, but I fear that if I tell my therapist, she won't look at me the same again. Maybe she wouldn't even hug me if I happen to need it, and I'm feeling pretty down these days. I fear this, partially, because I have discussed with her about some romantic transference that I had felt some time ago. It doesn't feel strong like before, but I still like her, and I thought that I would feel weird talking about sex with her.

Have you been in the same spot? How did you talk about it? If I talk about this with her, would she be more, like "on guard", as if I were crossing boundaries? I'm not too sure about that last one, though.
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Default Aug 10, 2022 at 11:50 PM
  #2
I have spoken with my t very openly about sex. She never treated me one bit differently. A long, long time ago I had a therapist who was tremendously gifted. He once told me, "You must say that thing which you believe you cannot say."

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Default Aug 11, 2022 at 06:24 AM
  #3
I know this will be difficult, but I would first share your fears that if you tell her about some of these things, she won't look at you the same way again, might be unwilling to hug you, etc. If you can't say that part out loud, you could write it/type it, and hand it to her.

She will likely (hopefully!) provide you with reassurance that she won't change how she sees you and, assuming you've hugged before, that she wouldn't take that away. If you've never hugged or asked about hugging before, it could simply be that she, like my therapist, has a no-hugging policy and has nothing to do with what you told her. But that could be something to ask about, too, if you don't know her policy.

I once told my therapist that I was worried he'd look at me differently once I shared something sex-related that I'd done in the past. He said that he's known me for a long time (3 years at that point) and didn't think anything I said could change how he thinks of me. So it helped to hear him say that. Pre-pandemic, I also said I was worried that something I'd share transference-related would mean he'd stop shaking my hand at the end. And he said that wouldn't happen either, that he wouldn't take that away. It helped to know that.

I think if you address these fears with her first, it will feel safer to talk about your thoughts.
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Default Aug 11, 2022 at 10:16 PM
  #4
L says nothing is off topic, even sex. We've gone over my complete sexual history, and even some fantasies. And I've experienced things that I have great shame and guilt about.

I agree with LT: start with your fears. Then take baby steps to talking about it. I know I "jumped into the deep end", but that's just me. I tend to do that.

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Default Aug 12, 2022 at 11:56 AM
  #5
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rustyfinger View Post
I find this very difficult, but I want to address in therapy why I have such strong sexual desires, and how it's affecting my daily ordinary life, but I fear that if I tell my therapist, she won't look at me the same again. Maybe she wouldn't even hug me if I happen to need it, and I'm feeling pretty down these days. I fear this, partially, because I have discussed with her about some romantic transference that I had felt some time ago. It doesn't feel strong like before, but I still like her, and I thought that I would feel weird talking about sex with her.

Have you been in the same spot? How did you talk about it? If I talk about this with her, would she be more, like "on guard", as if I were crossing boundaries? I'm not too sure about that last one, though.
My therapist and I discuss many things including my sexual orientation and sex issues. kind of hard not to when you blurt out at her "nice behind view" (putting nicely for the sites word filter lol)

she knows I am a lesbian married to a wonderful woman. She has been very understanding and does not think any different of me, not even when my wife and I met with her for help on certain issues my wife and I were having because of my past history of being a survivor of abuse.

my treatment providers expect that their clients have different or rocky relationships and sometimes come from different gender identities, sexual orientations or sexual preferences. most times they are very open in telling someone when they are not able to help them with their sexual issues and recommends someone else for that part of the job.
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Default Aug 13, 2022 at 07:52 AM
  #6
One of my therapists and I talked openly about it. She asked if I was comfortable with it and said we could talk about pretty much anything. After that I would normally send her an email first saying I wanted to discuss stuff. My last one wouldn't even say the word sex. She called it "intimate contact." So I figured she wasn't comfortable with the subject. My current one is an open book but I've only met with her 3 or 4 times. She does know I like women but thats about all I've told her so far and she hasn't been pushy about the subject like some other therapists I've had.

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Default Aug 14, 2022 at 07:01 AM
  #7
Sexuality is part of (nearly) everyone's life and I can guarantee if your T has been in the job for any length of time she'd have heard it all before. It's natural to feel scared as it's such a sensitive and often painful topic and I think LT is right on point by suggesting you discuss your fears with your T first and hopefully feel more reassured that it won't change how she sees you.

It took me a long time to talk about it with my T but in my case it was due to strong feelings for her and was terrified that she'd think I was viewing her in that light (which, to be honest, I kind of was at times). It helped me to write stuff down and share it that way first. Even now I can't go into much detail but I'm getting more comfortable with it. It's definitely a process.
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