Telling your therapist what's helpful

smileygal · Aug 12, 2022 at 12:18 PM

Do you tell your therapist when they say or do something that you find helpful or harmful? I find sometimes I'm quick to tell her the things that hurt me or I find unhelpful but maybe not so quick to share what helps. What kind of things has your therapist said to you that has been helpful? Once my therapist got visibly angry when I told her something my cousin said to me. It helped me to see what she had said was in fact wrong and showed her care.

Quietmind 2 · Aug 12, 2022 at 10:48 PM

I do try to tell my therapist what's helpful and what's unhelpful. It definitely helps that she once said it's helpful for her to know.

ScarletPimpernel · Aug 13, 2022 at 12:16 AM

Yes, I tell L both helpful things and hurtful things. They are not mind readers, so they can't know if you don't tell them.

Right now L and I are dealing with a rupture. I have told her when I feel like she's trying to prove me wrong, when she's not focusing on the emotions, or when she hits something that hurts or is triggering. On the flip side, I tell her when I feel understood, validated, connected, or when she writes expressively.

Also, telling her what I want and need from her is very helpful to her. I tell her as detailed as I know how to. We're still trying to fimd a common language for things like comfort, soothing, etc. But we have down reassurances, encouragement, and love.

The more information they have, the better they can help you.

East17 · Aug 13, 2022 at 12:55 AM

My T normally says things that are helpful, or makes me think about things in a different way and I tell her when it's been useful.

Once though, she really dropped the ball with how she phrased something and it was incredibly offensive and triggering. I sat with it through the rest of the session, then emailed her about it before the next session. She apologised straight away and said it was a poor choice of words and wouldn't happen again.

If I hadn't raised it as an issue with her it could have turned into a major rupture, so yes it's definitely better to let your T know when something they say helps or harms.

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LonesomeTonight · Aug 13, 2022 at 07:01 AM

I tend to tell mine if he does something that's helpful. I've told him that something he said to me was difficult, but also exactly what I needed to hear. Earlier in the pandemic, I told him that his demonstrating more empathy (saying things like "I know this is really difficult for you" or "I feel for you") was helpful to me and what I needed at the time (and still is).

Like Scarlet said, I also try to be specific about what I need, particularly if I'm sending an email. I might say something like, "I'm just looking for a few words of support" or "I just want to make sure everything is OK between us" (if we've had a conflict or I've shared something that I'm uncomfortable about). This came about because he often seemed to miss what I wanted from emails and would, say, give me practical advice when I wanted support/empathy. He's said he appreciates my being clear in what I'm looking for, as it makes them much easier to answer.

I do tell him when things he says or does bothers me as well, though I've been doing that all along.

Just42dayK · Aug 13, 2022 at 10:28 AM

I’m more quick to say to my T what’s helpful but in a more general way mostly. Like “I appreciate today” “thanks for saying that” I like the idea of being more specific in my communications. It would even open up more of an internal thought process of “what do I need right now”.
The hurtful things I can say but sometimes take a little more coaxing. Unfortunately I show him my hurtness most comfortably by withdrawing from him. We do get into it and I open up about the hurt. I tell him it sometimes doesn’t come as quickly verbally but with my silence or absence. Working on it.
He says helpful things and I watch his actions still and that’s the helpful.

AliceKate · Aug 13, 2022 at 12:37 PM

I do both very sparingly. In fact I have only once, when he asked, elaborated on what I like. I have also only once, recently and via email, pointed at something I don't like and suggested an alternative. It's okay though, he's a good fit for me and even the one thing I find annoying, has only recently become an issue.

stopdog · Aug 14, 2022 at 02:18 AM

No but then again the woman never did anything helpful so

Taylor27 · Aug 14, 2022 at 04:55 PM

Yes I do tell my therapist what is helpful and not helpful. She wants me to let her know. I also have found her very helpful for me so far. One of my goals in therapy is to find my voice.

downandlonely · Aug 14, 2022 at 05:05 PM

Although I haven't seen a therapist in years, I do think open, direct communication is best in any relationship. I apparently say hurtful things a lot (being on the autism spectrum). The usual response of "friends" is to ghost me. I would much rather they explain that what I said was hurtful.

smileygal · Aug 14, 2022 at 08:33 PM

Thanks for all the replies. Sounds like a lot of people do share which is good. I do believe in open communication and honesty in my relationships and like some above think I'd much prefer someone to tell me something that was helpful/unhelpful in real life. The only thing that bugs me though is that a few times in therapy I have shared some stuff that was profoundly helpful and even somewhat healing but for it to fall on deaf ears and nothing like it never said again.

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Quietmind 2 Poohbah Member Since Jan 2020 Location: Somewhere I'm working to leave Posts: 1,243 4 8 hugs given	Aug 12, 2022 at 10:48 PM #2 I do try to tell my therapist what's helpful and what's unhelpful. It definitely helps that she once said it's helpful for her to know.
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stopdog underdog is here Member Since Sep 2011 Location: blank Posts: 34,730 (SuperPoster!) 12 1 hugs given	Aug 14, 2022 at 02:18 AM #8 No but then again the woman never did anything helpful so __________________ Please NO @ Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live. Oscar Wilde Well Behaved Women Seldom Make History - Laurel Thatcher Ulrich Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.
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Taylor27 healing from trauma Member Since Dec 2017 Location: Alberta Posts: 30,425 (SuperPoster!) 6 24.3k hugs given	Aug 14, 2022 at 04:55 PM #9 Yes I do tell my therapist what is helpful and not helpful. She wants me to let her know. I also have found her very helpful for me so far. One of my goals in therapy is to find my voice.
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downandlonely Legendary Member Since Mar 2018 Location: United States Posts: 10,760 (SuperPoster!) 6 10.6k hugs given	Aug 14, 2022 at 05:05 PM #10 Although I haven't seen a therapist in years, I do think open, direct communication is best in any relationship. I apparently say hurtful things a lot (being on the autism spectrum). The usual response of "friends" is to ghost me. I would much rather they explain that what I said was hurtful.
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