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ECHOES
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Default Sep 04, 2022 at 07:34 PM
  #1
My longtime T of 15 years is semi-retiring. She will continue at an office in the next county one day a week until she retires, not more than 2 years.

She has been steering me towards ending therapy. I didn't realize she was doing it at first. We had discussions about ending. I had a hard time accepting it but now I am (usually) better about it, even though I am mourning it.
I started seeing her less frequently about a year ago, when she first discussed the idea of retiring, but she didn't have any concrete plans.

For about 6 months, she has changed her mind several times about how long she will be in this office, and when she will be at the other office and the day(s) of the week she will be there. I am willing to see her in the other office even though it's a bit far, since I'm retired, and time is not an issue.

She did not say, let's continue for 'X' number of sessions, then end.
In fact, when I asked what her process was for ending, she said 'process? - most people just stop coming, or we have one session where we review.' Since she's a psychoanalyst/psychodynamic therapist, I was quite surprised and disappointed. The next session she forgot the appointment but drove in and we had less than 1/2 hour. Then the next session, she thought I was there for a half-hour and said I had had a lot of half-sessions. I was bewildered and told her I had [I]never[I] done half sessions. After those 2 sessions, I took a trip home, the 1st in 19 years, and there was a lot to talk about in therapy, but I hesitated about going back. Then I was sick, then I decided not seeing her was passive/aggressive, so I scheduled. That session I told her how I felt about the previous 2 sessions, and she was defensive ("I'm older, I'm human, I make mistakes, I'll make more mistakes") and didn't offer a drop of empathy about how upsetting it was for me to have all the chaos going on. She either wasn't understanding or she was not willing to talk about it. I made another appointment for 3 weeks out. Very unusual for me, I forgot the time before I left the lobby, so she came out and we went back into the room together and she checked her appointment book to clarify.

6 days later I get a text that she didn't remember if I scheduled, but if I hadn't, I might want to consider scheduling a final session.
What?! (my text back to her).
I reminded her that I had scheduled on the 15th. Added that I felt she had not shown empathy for the pain I had been in. I told her I really need to talk with her about this, and before the 15th if she had an appointment.

Next day get a text back from her saying she is sorry I am disappointed in her reaction to me and to please let her know if she can help in any way in the future.
(I originally read that she was dismissing me but now that I write it, I think she is saying to speak up for what I need).

She also said that she feels insulted about the lack of empathy statement when she has been so accommodating about scheduling appointments when I want them.
Texted back, Yes you have been more than accommodating, but I was talking about desiring an empathetic response to my feelings.

I'm sorry this is so long. I'm obviously distraught. I don't want my therapy to end on bad terms. I told her that I had always imagined the ending would be warm and meaningful.

Wish me luck on the 8th.

Any thoughts welcome - you don't have to agree with me
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Default Sep 04, 2022 at 07:40 PM
  #2
Just from my personal experience, I have seen many therapists and never really had a good last session. Most of the time, I just said something like I won't be coming back. But it was always my decision, so I haven't been on the other side of it.
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Default Sep 05, 2022 at 09:44 AM
  #3
Firstly, I agree with you. As the therapist, she owes it to her clients to consider the impact of her actions (or words) on them. She is not taking into consideration the impact on you.

I am wondering if she is experiencing any cognitive or memory 'deficits'. There seems to be *a lot* of forgetting on her part. Or maybe she is overwhelmed by whatever is happening in her life and/or age, and she is forgetful. That being said, she is clearly not hearing you but getting overly defensive.

I think you are doing everything 'right' - you are not blaming or accusing but expressing your feelings in a respectful manner. I would keep doing that.

Good luck for the 8th.
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Default Sep 06, 2022 at 09:35 PM
  #4
That all sounds really hard Echoes. It sounds like she wasn't really hearing you or your pain and how her actions may have been contributing to that. I had a T make some big life changes once and from my perspective at least handled it pretty badly. Forgot some big and important things in our therapy which caused a lot of pain for me and got very defensive when I tried to address it. I never did get an apology but a while later she did acknowledge that she might have been overwhelmed. I'm not saying it's the case for your T and not defending actions as I don't know. Perhaps she is feeling overwhelmed with retiring which is resulting with her not being at her best or even remotely okay for you. Either way it sounds like very much her own stuff and it is having a terrible impact on you and it sounds really hard. I hope your next /last? appointment goes as you want it to.
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Default Sep 15, 2022 at 12:49 PM
  #5
that does sound hard, Echoes. I'm sorry she seemed to really just 'miss' all the way around with the forgetfulness, lack of empathy, and then the defensiveness. I wish she had handled it better for you and i hope you're able to get the kind of closure on the relationship that you need/want/deserve if you indeed have a last session. or if you're not quite ending yet i hope you're able to work it all out with her.

Just about 9 months out from my final session with L (she never used the word 'termination', just 'stopping') myself, I can look back and see where there was probably some unconscious reactions on her part to my initiating our ending when I did. Including the fact that she refused to use the word termination, as if by her using the word "stopping" there was an unspoken, almost hopeful "for now" tacked on??

Apparently endings can be tough on the t's too, go figure, with all the stories we hear about the unfair and sudden ones inflicted on clients, and they don't all handle them as gracefully as they should. Makes me really wonder if they're not trained very well on endings? Probably even tougher when it's something like retirement because they're also having to face their mortality along with that, I'd imagine anyway. Sorry if I'm rambling.
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Default Sep 16, 2022 at 10:34 AM
  #6
Thank you all for your kind responses and support. She cancelled the 8th, then forgot the 15th. When I called to say I was there, I found out she wasn't but was near and would be there in 5 minutes, which she was. By then half the hour was gone, but she gave me a full hour and we talked Everything out and I ended up with a good session. I'm glad I hung in there.
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