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Always in This Twilight
LonesomeTonight
has no updates.
Member Since: Feb 2015
Location: US
Posts: 20,695
(SuperPoster!)
74.8k hugs
given |
#321
Dear T,
You're probably just sick of me. I know I would be, in your place. Or maybe I'm sick of you, or of being attached to you when you seem to have a limited amount of warmth to give out each month or quarter or whatever. I got some today, but it's like the first 10 minutes of session sort of negated that in a way. I don't know how you'll reply to my email. I gave you the out of "let's talk next session" if it's a long or complicated reply. Please don't reply with something you know could be hurtful, especially if you opt for a paid reply. I mean, part of this conflict is about money. So I feel that would just make it all more complicated. The thing is... part of me feels it's actually a good thing that I told you what was on my mind. It's progress in some way for me. Except your reaction makes me feel like my mom would have made me feel. You should be encouraging me to speak up. I mean, I understand it offended you. But you could both say "This offends me...but I'm glad you felt that you could share it rather than holding it in." There was none of that. It was about your emotions. Not mine. I wanted to say "I'm sorry, I love you," but I only said the first part. Please be kind in your response. And/or on Monday. You know this is a rough time for me, so please take that into account. Love, LT |
AliceKate, ArtieTheSequal, Lonelyinmyheart, ScarletPimpernel
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Always in This Twilight
LonesomeTonight
has no updates.
Member Since: Feb 2015
Location: US
Posts: 20,695
(SuperPoster!)
74.8k hugs
given |
#322
Dear T,
Maybe you're hoping I'll just go away and leave you alone. I wouldn't blame you. I'd like to believe that, at least on some level, you love me. But maybe not. Love, LT |
AliceKate, ArtieTheSequal, Lonelyinmyheart, ScarletPimpernel
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Tweaky Dog
LostOnTheTrail
has no updates.
Member Since: Aug 2011
Location: England
Posts: 4,773
3,103 hugs
given |
#323
Sitting with the fact that today is International Survivors of Suicide Loss Day.
I don't know what else to do with that fact.
Possible trigger:
__________________ 'Somewhere up above the great divide Where the sky is wide, and the clouds are few A man can see his way clear to the light 'You have all the grace you need for today, and today is all that matters.' - Steve Austin |
ArtieTheSequal, LonesomeTonight, ScarletPimpernel, unaluna
|
Elder Harridan x-hankster
unaluna
Female luna moth - Please, dont @mention
me?Thanks!
Member Since: Jun 2011
Location: Milan/Michigan
Posts: 39,751
(SuperPoster!)
66k hugs
given |
#324
LT - oops you did it again - t didnt respond according to the script in your head. Like i wonder what comes first? The motivation to hear him respond as you wish, or the impetus to say the thing that makes him react? Like literally putting the cart before the horse. You know? Maybe it isnt about whatever the topic is, as much as it is the mechanics of the conversation. It's not FREE, its constrained by your expectations. And maybe? Probably? he knows when you are doing that and will react surprisingly to shake things up. You have this whole conversation in your head - what is he needed for?
This seems deep to me but i havent had my coffee yet! |
AliceKate
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atisketatasket, LonesomeTonight
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Legendary Wise Elder
Mountaindewed
NoahsArk30
Member Since: Jun 2016
Location: Where the sidewalk ends
Posts: 35,836
(SuperPoster!)
8,654 hugs
given |
#325
I am without a therapist for quite a few days. So I'm doing what has helped me in the past. Use the TV as my company and throw myself into my dieting. Except I'm just super focused on getting into shape now. But yeah, I'm kind of at a loss at the moment.
__________________ Ridin' with Biden |
LonesomeTonight
|
Always in This Twilight
LonesomeTonight
has no updates.
Member Since: Feb 2015
Location: US
Posts: 20,695
(SuperPoster!)
74.8k hugs
given |
#326
Quote:
OK, but is it supposed to be more about my T's feelings than mine? What am I paying him for? If we were friends, of course I'd prioritize his feelings. But we're not. |
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Lonelyinmyheart
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Grand Member
AliceKate
has an update
Member Since: Jan 2021
Location: On a raindrop far, far away
Posts: 871
2,208 hugs
given |
#327
You know if you eat properly, getting into shape might be much easier.
__________________ my life explained in two smileys |
Always in This Twilight
LonesomeTonight
has no updates.
Member Since: Feb 2015
Location: US
Posts: 20,695
(SuperPoster!)
74.8k hugs
given |
#328
Dear T,
Maybe I need to terminate. I just feel really awful about the relationship right now and what I apparently am to you--a dollar sign, and one that isn't big enough. I was going to offer to pay more, but I can't do your full fee, so you probably still wouldn't be happy. If I leave, then you have the opportunity to make another $180 a week, likely on clients who are much easier and who don't bother you with emails on the weekends. I thought maybe on some level, you (platonically) loved me, even though you'd never say those words. Now, I don't think so. I wish I hadn't sent that email Friday night. I should have known better. Though if my insurance company was competent in how they handle invoices, this conversation would have never happened. --LT |
ArtieTheSequal, Lonelyinmyheart, Mountaindewed
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Legendary Wise Elder
Mountaindewed
NoahsArk30
Member Since: Jun 2016
Location: Where the sidewalk ends
Posts: 35,836
(SuperPoster!)
8,654 hugs
given |
#329
Quote:
I don't know what part in my post I said I was struggling with getting into shape. What I meant was I am at a loss right now without being with a therapist. __________________ Ridin' with Biden |
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LonesomeTonight
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AliceKate
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Poohbah
Lonelyinmyheart
has no updates.
Member Since: Jun 2019
Location: Earth
Posts: 1,093
1,732 hugs
given |
#330
LT- money is always such a painful and sensitive issue in therapy. Your T must be aware of that. You have every right to expect him to respond with kindness, understanding and compassion and not to make it about himself or take offence. Obviously T's are only human but if he has reacted defensively he needs to own that and accept it has hurt you. There is absolutely nothing wrong with having those expectations of T regardless of his particular stance.
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LonesomeTonight
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Grand Member
AliceKate
has an update
Member Since: Jan 2021
Location: On a raindrop far, far away
Posts: 871
2,208 hugs
given |
#331
Quote:
__________________ my life explained in two smileys |
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Mountaindewed
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Always in This Twilight
LonesomeTonight
has no updates.
Member Since: Feb 2015
Location: US
Posts: 20,695
(SuperPoster!)
74.8k hugs
given |
#332
Quote:
Thanks, Lonely. I appreciate your comments. You're right that money is a touchy issue in therapy, and it's one for me in general, too (just ask my H!). |
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Legendary Wise Elder
Mountaindewed
NoahsArk30
Member Since: Jun 2016
Location: Where the sidewalk ends
Posts: 35,836
(SuperPoster!)
8,654 hugs
given |
#333
I don't even know who I'm writing to at this point honestly. My eating sucked yesterday. I was way under my calorie goal and I worked out so hard I hurt myself. I had a dream about my transference T and I woke up missing her. But my anxiety got better the more I woke up. My stomach pain still sucks. I wonder if I damaged my spleen. I was smart enough not to work out today. I got out to the store for the first time in days to get some healthy foods. But I am still physically not hungry today but mood wise I am doing decently besides thie pain and I'm ok with being without a theapist right now.
__________________ Ridin' with Biden |
LonesomeTonight, ScarletPimpernel, unaluna
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Tweaky Dog
LostOnTheTrail
has no updates.
Member Since: Aug 2011
Location: England
Posts: 4,773
3,103 hugs
given |
#334
I sent Alan an email yesterday with a question that has been with me since the service.
When he replied, he didn't answer my question, but offered me another meeting. I've accepted, and yet still feel frustrated by my inability to ask for help and accept it when it is offered. __________________ 'Somewhere up above the great divide Where the sky is wide, and the clouds are few A man can see his way clear to the light 'You have all the grace you need for today, and today is all that matters.' - Steve Austin |
LonesomeTonight, ScarletPimpernel
|
Always in This Twilight
LonesomeTonight
has no updates.
Member Since: Feb 2015
Location: US
Posts: 20,695
(SuperPoster!)
74.8k hugs
given |
#335
Dear T,
Thanks for all that today. I was super anxious before the session. And partway through, I was wondering if I was just squandering the hour, especially when you said how it seemed like I felt I needed to talk about what happened, but wasn't sure what to say, so I was just saying things. You were right, and I think it helped us find a direction. I feel we had some really important discussion about the money, a possible enactment, what I share and look for from you, and the comparison in how I react to you vs. ex-MC, even if you say the exact same thing. I'll need to think on that some more, why that is. And how it seems I'm much more able to believe that he loved/cared for me as compared to you--which also seemed a bit like your admitting to that without coming right out and saying so. I'll just choose to take it that way. It did almost feel like you were jealous of his ability to affect me so positively. But like you said, it's likely his effusiveness. I hope it's OK that I didn't let go of your hand as quickly as usual when we shook hands today. I think I just needed a bit of nonverbal reassurance, after all we'd talked about. Love, LT |
Mountaindewed, ScarletPimpernel
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Legendary Wise Elder
Mountaindewed
NoahsArk30
Member Since: Jun 2016
Location: Where the sidewalk ends
Posts: 35,836
(SuperPoster!)
8,654 hugs
given |
#336
I'm kinda glad I'm not seeing you for awhile after today and I'm not seeing the new one until December. You said you would get updates though so I may still get into trouble if I tell her.
__________________ Ridin' with Biden |
LonesomeTonight, ScarletPimpernel
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Member
20oney
has no updates.
Member Since: Dec 2014
Location: Australia
Posts: 327
378 hugs
given |
#337
Dear T
I want to be held so much right now. I wonder if you would ever sit on the floor with me and hold me |
goatee, LonesomeTonight, ScarletPimpernel
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Grand Member
AliceKate
has an update
Member Since: Jan 2021
Location: On a raindrop far, far away
Posts: 871
2,208 hugs
given |
#338
Dear T, thank you for being honest and for still being there despite the worries and fears you had when we started working together. I noticed you self-disclose more these days, and also the other offices are actually being used. Did I pass some sort of test for having behaved well this past year? I need to do some work today, but I don't want to think. I came home with a ringing in my ears. This is hard.
__________________ my life explained in two smileys |
LonesomeTonight, ScarletPimpernel
|
Tweaky Dog
LostOnTheTrail
has no updates.
Member Since: Aug 2011
Location: England
Posts: 4,773
3,103 hugs
given |
#339
Being able to ask you that question entails finding the words.
Possible trigger:
I have been holding this for almost 18 months, and I don't know what to do with it any more. __________________ 'Somewhere up above the great divide Where the sky is wide, and the clouds are few A man can see his way clear to the light 'You have all the grace you need for today, and today is all that matters.' - Steve Austin |
LonesomeTonight, ScarletPimpernel
|
Always in This Twilight
LonesomeTonight
has no updates.
Member Since: Feb 2015
Location: US
Posts: 20,695
(SuperPoster!)
74.8k hugs
given |
#340
Dear T,
I'm not entirely sure how I feel about today's session. I felt good after Monday's, though was maybe a little insecure in how you felt about a couple things I said. I'd hoped to walk in today and be able to look at you and know in the first moment that everything is OK. I didn't get that. But I know I was also reacting to what I'd shared and concerned that today's session was right before a 5-day break. And I wonder if I was distancing myself, too? And so I felt a distance between us that I thought was all you, but was actually in part, maybe even in large part, coming from me? If tomorrow were not a holiday, there's a decent chance I'd have sent you a very brief email confirming that everything is OK. And I imagine it probably would still be OK if I did that--you'd likely either reply tonight or Friday (or maybe just tomorrow like normal). But I think this gives me a chance to trust in the relationship and in what you said. (Like the thing about how you've never regretted answering my initial email for a session.) It gives me an opportunity to try on secure attachment. I'm going to do my best to not reach out to you before our session Monday. I'm trying to look back at today's session and see the ways that we did connect and where you did provide a sense of reassurance. It's already working some (maybe this is a little-known side effect of the Covid booster?) I'm also going to think about how a 5-day break could be good for the relationship, with all of the contact in the past week or so. That the distance might be good. Maybe some things that feel very important and pressing now will fade away a bit. I mean, there's a chance this experiment fails miserably (or some really bad outside life thing happens), and I'm totally freaking out about the relationship, say, Friday night, in which case I give myself permission to type up an email, then give it a waiting period until at least early Saturday. Or save it until we meet Monday. But I'm going to try it. I figure if I look at it as something I'm going to try, then I'll be happy if I achieve it, vs. beating myself if I don't meet my goal. I hope you have a lovely Thanksgiving. Love, LT |
ScarletPimpernel
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