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Default Nov 24, 2022 at 01:24 AM
  #341
ugh. just...ugh.

and now it's another week of waiting to talk. (yes, i know i can email, but when it feels like you weren't really listening during the session, is there any point?) (and yes, i know you said you were listening and didn't mean to talk over me, but it derailed the session and i didn't get anything i needed from it.)

therapy is so bl^^dy tiring.


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Default Nov 24, 2022 at 11:11 AM
  #342
To the new one: fight me, you idiot.
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Default Nov 24, 2022 at 05:11 PM
  #343
Happy Thanksgiving, L.
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Default Nov 25, 2022 at 07:05 PM
  #344
I wonder if that crazy dream about the savage pet monkey that wouldn't stop viciously attacking me, biting me, clawing at me, was a metaphor in some way for those things that I just don't know how to let go of. I don't know how to get them off me, and yet even when I do, after a monumental effort, all I do is lock them in a cage, keep them as tightly constrained as I can, so they can't do that to me again. But they keep multiplying, just like the monkey. Giving birth to these horrific, disgusting monkey babies, and I know I need to keep feeding them. I can't let them die. So what do I do? I keep it as hidden as possible, in my dream the cage was covered with a thick cloth, and I just tried to pretend that there was nothing there, even though I knew I would never be rid of my secret.
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Default Nov 26, 2022 at 07:01 PM
  #345
I've just realised that my latest email could be interpreted as me having lost my job.
I still have my job, so that's something.

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Default Nov 27, 2022 at 08:50 AM
  #346
I thought my first therapy session wasn't until the 5th. But its actually on Thursday. It should be interesting since its a late afternoon appointment and I'm my best and most alert in the morning. I don't know what to expect though since I stopped expecting awhile ago.

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Default Nov 27, 2022 at 05:53 PM
  #347
I think what I miss the most about therapy is feeling accepted.
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Default Nov 27, 2022 at 06:54 PM
  #348
I have made notes for Tuesday. Let's see whether I can have the conversation that I need.

It's been a while in the making.

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Default Nov 27, 2022 at 06:54 PM
  #349
Dear T,

OK, I made it without emailing (even if I were for some reason to email tonight or tomorrow morning, I feel we're past the holiday weekend). I suppose I sent the one about the invoice today, but that was a clerical thing, and I didn't want to take up session time on it. (I imagine you were relieved when you saw it was clerical, not clinical!)

I need to decide whether to bring up a couple things tomorrow (they're related, but different). I feel like a Monday is a good time to bring them up. But then, I don't know, maybe I'll need more time to feel connected? I think I just need to see what I feel like when I'm talking to you. Maybe I could sort of test the waters before diving in. But I also don't want to wait until the last 15 minutes of session, if possible. So, we'll see....

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Default Nov 28, 2022 at 12:39 PM
  #350
Nice to 'talk' with you in my dream this morning, L. Kinda bummed that the alarm went off before I saw what you were typing in the dream-text! I think after work I'll do a dream re-entry and see if I can suss out what it was. I haven't done a dream re-entry in a while, hope I remember how. Prolly like riding a bike eh.....
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Default Nov 28, 2022 at 02:30 PM
  #351
Dear T,
I'm glad those things I've shared haven't bothered you and that there's nothing on the scroll behind my head. I think it's good we briefly discussed the different ways we define "love," like how you said you don't say it to your friends. You didn't answer about the pets, but I assume the answer is "no" from how you reacted. Perhaps you were oddly relieved that I also tell my guinea pigs I love them? Like, "OK, she also says it to rodents, so..."

And that's really interesting you asked whether, if we hadn't had the rupture, I could have continued seeing ex-MC had he not said he loved me back. And you were surprised that my answer was "yes." Does that mean you thought it would become an issue between us? I really just want my love to be accepted. I don't need or expect it to be fully reciprocated in this scenario. (I mean, if you were my romantic partner, that's a bit different.)

Glad you weren't bothered by the recent lingering handshake. Though like you said, now you're probably going to be hyperaware of the time! But good to know if I do hang on too long in the future, you'd likely just say, "What's going on?" as opposed to "Get off of me!"

Also your comment on how I seem to expect you to be mean to me. I need to think on that more. Who do you maybe represent for me? Or are you representing a part of me, that doesn't think I deserve care and acceptance? That feels I should be rejected if I hold on a second too long or care about you more than I should? Hm....

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Default Nov 28, 2022 at 03:10 PM
  #352
I don't really know what to say to my pdoc. Things have improved since I got my haircut. Also I've been eating with my meds so they have actually been working. I am able to start working out again which boosts my self esteem.
Yet I still feel like an increase in something wouldn't hurt either. I just hope hes in a decent mood today. I'm just going to sit back and explain things but not be pushy or suggest anything since he doesn't like that. I'm hoping he'll do something on his own though.

He did raise one of my meds after I asked if he would. He said therapy is really what I need though. I said to him " yeah if therapists wouldn't keep dropping me."

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Last edited by Mountaindewed; Nov 28, 2022 at 04:23 PM..
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Default Nov 28, 2022 at 04:56 PM
  #353
So I reached a point last week where I'd 99.9% decided to take a break from counselling, maybe until the New Year. I convinced myself I was ok with that. Then stuff happened, H became very unwell and I found myself doubting that I'd be able to get through the next few weeks and Christmas without any support at all. So I changed my mind about the break. You said you'd be ok with whatever I decided either way; that if I felt H was demanding too much of my attention and I didn't feel able to focus on therapy but everything else in my life was going ok, that you'd support the idea of stopping until January.


Trouble is, even though H is being very demanding at the moment, the rest of my life isn't exactly going ok, plus I know what a five or six week break would do to me. Set me right back to having to build up the trust again with you. Having got to where we have over the past 12 months, I really can't go back there again, so another reason to keep going. Even if all we do is maintenance stuff for the next few weeks.


So we decided to keep it weekly for now rather than every two weeks, then the work in the house got pulled forward and I had to cancel this week's session anyway. At the moment I'm ok with it. Quite how I'll be feeling with another week to go before we can meet virtually again, I don't know. By the end of this week I'll be desperate to talk to you again, and then by next Tuesday, I'll be over that and thinking I probably could have managed a longer break after all. Strange how the mind works isn't it? When I can talk to you I don't feel I want to, and when I know I can't, I'm desperate for contact.

So many dichotomies. The constant push-pull.


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Default Nov 29, 2022 at 01:35 PM
  #354
Thank you for being exceptional today.
The space you held was the permission I needed.
Who knew understanding why could still be so important?

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Default Nov 29, 2022 at 02:23 PM
  #355
I get that I need therapy, but I do believe eating better and working out and getting into a better sleep habit will be more beneficial then therapy. And thats stuff I can do on my own. But my pdoc swears I need to be in therapy and that its the answer. I don't know what this one will be like on Thursday. I really thought the last one was the "answer"

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Default Nov 29, 2022 at 08:13 PM
  #356
Dear T,
Hm, now I'm wondering if you do think the reason I felt I/we had to end with ex-MC was because he didn't reciprocate the "I love you." Is that maybe what you thought I meant when I felt he had rejected me? Because that's not what I meant. I meant in the sense of taking things away from me, changing toward me. More like a child feeling rejected by her parent. I never expected him to say it back. But I did expect him to not completely change toward me as a result of it. Especially considering that he's psychodynamically trained and is very well aware of transference. Just wondering now if that's what you thought all these years...

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Default Nov 30, 2022 at 11:55 AM
  #357
My pdoc asked me if I was still seeing my transference therapist and it reminded me of this line from South Park

"Theres no such thing as stupid questions only stupid people."

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Default Nov 30, 2022 at 12:48 PM
  #358
Dear T,
Ugh.... I'm really not sure how to deal with this, though I should have known better than to think you were totally OK with what I shared. Sigh. But thanks for the reassurance as I was leaving. You seem to be putting the emphasis on this being a "you" thing rather than a "me" thing. I really hope the listserv people will tell you this is fairly common and OK. I do appreciate your letting me approve what you send them.

I guess we're at the center of the onion, aren't we?


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Default Nov 30, 2022 at 06:33 PM
  #359
Hey L. Well guess what? I think I have finally made it to that place I wanted to be when I left therapy almost a year ago. It's taken that long, but I am grateful to be 'here'.
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Default Dec 01, 2022 at 12:33 PM
  #360
I hate afternoon therapy sessions. I don't know how this will go. I've had a couple Lunchables and an apple and I'm not sure what else I'll eat before our session. I know my eating issues are a big deal and something my previous therapist has probably talked to you a ton about. But I just had a med increase on Monday and basically nothing really sounds good at this time besides apples and tilapia. I hope my appeareance doesn't bother you and you don't call me scrawny or too thin or something like other therapists have.

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