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Just42dayK
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Default Sep 12, 2022 at 12:57 PM
  #21
T,
Jerk!

Additionally as fall approaches a heaviness is finding it’s familiar place upon me. I’m tired.
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Default Sep 12, 2022 at 02:05 PM
  #22
You just said in your email 1800 calories is too low.... dude quite a large group of people would gain on that amount. I think 1800 for maintence for me is ok.

Is skinny shaming a thing? Even though you don't have a weight issue yourself so I'm not quite sure it would be called skinny shaming.

Is it rude to ask you how many calories you eat? I'd probably sound like a smartass. I have no idea what you eat. You talk about everything except what you like to eat.

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Last edited by Mountaindewed; Sep 12, 2022 at 04:33 PM..
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Default Sep 12, 2022 at 04:46 PM
  #23
Awww, E. Thank you SO much for your reply to my email. They always help me so much.
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Default Sep 13, 2022 at 07:10 AM
  #24
I can understand a visceral response to the cancellation of the service. I can't understand the profound physical response I seem to be having.

I hope your goodwill over my cursing extends to this.

Two more sleeps.

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Default Sep 13, 2022 at 11:52 AM
  #25
I think I feel anxious now because you said we could try to drop the scales for a while. Perhaps it feels like a step towards termination and I am reacting badly to that feeling, because this is a very unique relationship and I genuinley benefit from it and even enjoy talking to you. With whom can I be honest like I can with you? Of whom would I accept conditions like the scales if not of someone I have a contract with? Who could see past all that stuff to drop the scales within a year? Of course, perhaps, a different T. But I would assume when we terminate, I am done with therapy, at least for a significant amount of time. Honestly, I thought I'd be doing them until forever abruptly ends.

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Default Sep 13, 2022 at 12:38 PM
  #26
C, last week was a pretty great week as far as being able to control my worry. A couple of financial-related things are going on for me right now which you'll read about once you look at my answers on the app for this week's exercises and I handled them very well, I caught the worry before it became a tornado each time and was able to stop it/let it go. If I wasn't doing this program right now, I'd have likely been sucked into an F5 worry tornado already. It's funny to me how I recognize so much of this from therapy with L, but it's all really coming together in a workable way now whereas apparently before I hadn't yet been able to put it all together into a workable format or something. I may tell you that when we talk later today. I'm so thankful I found this program through my job! Heh, I also saw that you changed my appointment from 15 minutes to 30 minutes for today, I guess you're assuming we'll talk longer again like we did last week. 15 minutes really isn't much, honestly, when I think about the kinda lengthy answers I wrote in the app the other day. I'm glad you're able to give me 30 minutes. It's helpful because you share so much good stuff. I'm going to miss talking to you when this ends 2 weeks from today!
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Default Sep 13, 2022 at 01:54 PM
  #27
Wait until you see what I look like in a hoodie. Then you will for sure lose your ****. My mom commented on my weight today so I do not doubt that you would have too. I just don't want to fight about this each week. Some stuff I'm not even doing myself, its the meds and hormones I'm on. Unless something happens tonight and I have to switch to virtual I'm pretty sure the majority of what we'll be talking about tommorow will be food and weight related.

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Default Sep 13, 2022 at 03:30 PM
  #28
I really really really hope this gets easier.
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Default Sep 13, 2022 at 06:53 PM
  #29
Hey C. I'm glad you let me know that I can continue in this program after the 8 weeks (and continue with you as my coach) if I choose one of the other areas of focus. I need to check and see if it would still be 100% covered by my insurance - or if not how much it would cost. I just might be interested. This solution-focused, goal-oriented, in-the-moment stuff is good for me. I wouldn't have been ready for it 10 years ago, but it's sure the right time now.
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Default Sep 13, 2022 at 07:54 PM
  #30
E: I wish I could carry you around in my pocket with C all the time. What would I do without your support?
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Default Sep 14, 2022 at 07:40 AM
  #31
I hope today goes well. I didn't sleep too good last and I'm about 15 hours behind on my weekly shot so I'll have to get it in a few minutes. I feel pretty much ok right now. Yesterday my eating was awful though. Quality and quantity wise and I'm not sure its even worth bringing it up.

I had my mom take a few pictures of me and she says I kinda do look anorexic and its best not to bring up yesterday with you.

I am legit very nervous to see you. This reminds me of how I'd have to close my eyes and do some deep breathing and pep talking before logging onto my telesessions with my transference T because of the anxiety the sessions caused. I'm hoping what I'm having now is just anticipatory stuff that will go away once we meet.

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Default Sep 14, 2022 at 11:33 AM
  #32
One more sleep.

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Default Sep 14, 2022 at 11:59 AM
  #33
Dear T,
I hope you don't read into that one thing I said. I imagine you've completely forgotten about it. I thought about emailing to clarify, but that will probably just shine more of a light on it, rather than it just being one comment. I'll see what I'm feeling like later.

Maybe this is just one symptom of a general therapy hangover, where I feel I shared quite a bit between Monday and today. But I guess this is what I need to be talking about right now. In some ways, it's easier talking about stuff from my past than from the present...

Also, I'm glad you were understanding about my concern that you wouldn't be there because I didn't see your car in the usual spot. That you expected me to be looking for your car, once you told me which one it was. Made me feel less stalkerish!

Love,
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Default Sep 14, 2022 at 07:49 PM
  #34
Hey C. While part of me likes that you kept calling me sweetie yesterday, most of me was like NOOOOOO don't do that I'll get all maternal transferency on you and I don't want that! I mean if you knew my history with L, you would never have done that, but of course you don't.
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Default Sep 14, 2022 at 08:30 PM
  #35
hey L you know what would be super great?



yeah i don't either.
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Default Sep 15, 2022 at 08:03 AM
  #36
You called one of your clients "8th grade gymnastics girl." I wonder what you call me. "Eating disorder trans dude" maybe?

I do appreciate though the email reply you sent an hour ago. Even though the "have a good week and keep eating!" Part seemed a bit stupid.

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Last edited by Mountaindewed; Sep 15, 2022 at 11:00 AM..
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Default Sep 15, 2022 at 12:35 PM
  #37
Hey again L. So my son sent me a pic of him holding up his first (fishing) catch in his new state. He looks so happy, my first instinct was wanting to share it with you. I wonder when that instinct is going to go away? if ever.
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Default Sep 15, 2022 at 05:14 PM
  #38
Dear K,

I MISS YOU!!!!!!!
It's six weeks shy of a year since I last saw you. Over a year since our last actual therapy session together and yet I still can't get you out of my head, or my heart. You are still the last thing I think of every day when I go to bed. I just can't get my head around the fact that I'm never meant to see you again. After everything we did. After everything you were to me.

You know I'm not letting go, right? You know I'm not able to do that. I miss you and I love you and I think I always will. I'm waiting until November before I write to you. A kind of Christmas catch up letter.

I wonder if you'll ever be the one to reach out first? I don't think you will, sadly, not unless we can change the dynamic of what we have right now, but I'm not ready for that, yet.

I hope you are well, and happy. Love you lots, Me x
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Default Sep 15, 2022 at 11:03 PM
  #39
I'm not sure why, but after last session, I felt depleted and surreal. I cried at night thinking of the girl lying in her mother's arms, trying not to move lest she destroy this rarest of moments when her mother's needs aligned with her own. It's okay though. Sadness is better than anger by a long shot.

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Default Sep 16, 2022 at 01:30 AM
  #40
Thank you for validating my experience completely.

I needed that, and you picked up on it.

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