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Default Sep 16, 2022 at 10:24 AM
  #41
I know you want me to gain weight but I've decided to put muscle on instead. Even though you told me not to do that either. Isn't putting on muscle a good thing though?

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Default Sep 17, 2022 at 09:16 AM
  #42
Don't fire me on Wednesday. I swear its med related or something.

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Default Sep 17, 2022 at 09:30 PM
  #43
E: I guess I’m glad I made it through his service okay. Thanks for all the coping skills you’ve taught me. I definitely wouldn’t be making progress without you. I feel really bad bc of my relationship with T is still important.
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Default Sep 18, 2022 at 08:46 AM
  #44
Dear T,
Wow, I'm really surprised you agreed to shake hands tomorrow! I'm glad I asked you. I'm a little concerned I'll get all teary-eyed from it, as it's been 2.5 years, but I doubt that would surprise or bother you. I do wonder, though, if it might feel very anticlimactic. Like, "Why was this such a big deal to me again?" But I guess I'll just see what happens.

I think I might just ask you about the gift instead of bringing it tomorrow. Maybe the same with a card? To see if you'd rather, say, I just email something. Or that you wouldn't want to read a card in front of me, as I suppose that's what I'd want. So then I'd know what to expect.

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Default Sep 18, 2022 at 11:33 AM
  #45
I had a dream about my transference T last night. I can not understand why I still think of her with this new much better non transference therapist around, but I guess the feelings never do go away.

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Default Sep 18, 2022 at 11:43 AM
  #46
Disbelief deepens
Shepherd abandoned the flock
More Pain Olympics

----------------------------------------------

I don't know much about churches, as I tend to stay away.
I do know that they talk a lot about being there for people in their time of need.
The 'national mood' doesn't mean that individuals' pain should be disregarded.
I don't have the wherewithal to take this one on, because I'm the one who's going to end up wounded.

It's irresponsible of them not to offer something else, or an alternative date.

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Default Sep 18, 2022 at 05:17 PM
  #47
I am SO exhausted. But, I made it back home. Intact. Still with a LOT of sadness and grief. For what, I fully do not know.
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Default Sep 19, 2022 at 12:43 PM
  #48
Dear T: I am annoyingly more upset about you moving back our sessions 15 minutes/having to end a little earlier. I feel like bc I am the last client, I get the shaft. Of course, I will never tell you this.
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Default Sep 19, 2022 at 02:43 PM
  #49
I got super scared last night and went into my moms room for 15 minutes and even then I was very unsettled. I know the therapists I've told this to are understanding because they understand when I do this It must mean I am pretty frigging terrified. I feel like you'll understand too hopefully.

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Default Sep 19, 2022 at 03:37 PM
  #50
I know I was okay not talking to you Saturday but I am really now looking forward to talking to you tomorrow. Though knowing me, I won't feel like talking to you tomorrow, but I will anyway. Thanks for being honest with me. Love you! Kit

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Default Sep 19, 2022 at 03:41 PM
  #51
Dear T,
Thanks for a good 5-year anniversary session today. And being gracious about the gift, even if it isn't quite your aesthetic. It seemed like you understood what it meant to me and reacted accordingly. The same with the anniversary in general, as you know that I'm a date person, even though you aren't. Hm, I guess it all comes down to you putting my needs and comfort first today. I'll get you a plant for the next one though!

And the handshake was nice. (Though I'm puzzled that you thought we'd sanitize after instead of before?) I'm hoping you might be willing to continue with those, but if you aren't, like maybe if it would just be an occasional thing (like I'd need to specifically request it), it's OK.

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Default Sep 19, 2022 at 04:40 PM
  #52
Dear T
I am so glad I didn't already email you with what I had been planning to say, especially as you've had to cancel tomorrow's session because you have covid.

Hopefully I will be in a better place mentally by the time we next talk. It would have been awful to have admitted what I was going to disclose and then find you weren't available this week after all.

Sent from my SM-A526B using Tapatalk

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Default Sep 19, 2022 at 04:44 PM
  #53
So sorry to hear that, East. I hope your T is able to offer a session as soon as practically possible.

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Default Sep 20, 2022 at 12:21 PM
  #54
In your email you wanted me to send about something, you said that working out and building muscle was ok. So I hope our session tommorow goes ok. So far my sister hasn't headed to the hospital so it looks like we'll be in person. It will be shorts weather and the last time I wore shorts and a T shirt was the week you really chewed me out for the way I looked. Plus I did lose a pound or so from last week which may give me the illusion of looking like I've lost more with everything else I've been doing since we last met.

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Default Sep 20, 2022 at 01:26 PM
  #55
I was Iistening to the song Title And Registration by Death Cab For Cutie last night. Its kind of been the song I've been listening to a lot lately. The part that really stands out to me is the part that goes

But there's no blame for how our love did slowly fade
And now that it's gone, it's like it wasn't there at all
And here I rest where disappointment and regret collide
Lying awake at night

I don't know. It kinda reminds me of my transference T and how I couldn't be who I really was with her and it was just like this huge dissapointment at the end, but with my current therapist I can be who I really am and I don't have to hide stuff.

I don't know if I'm making sense at all. My transference T just said she couldn't help me because of my particular issues and I just felt like dissapointed and then regret that I got so involved with her to begin with.

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Default Sep 20, 2022 at 02:49 PM
  #56
Hey L. It's days like today I really, really miss being able to sit across from you and just let it all out about h. Worry, guilt, fear of the future, regret of the past cuz I stayed when I shoulda left a few years ago... it's all attacking me full-force right now and these tools from the CBT thing are no match. I don't know how to live with him when he's like this.
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Default Sep 20, 2022 at 04:51 PM
  #57
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mountaindewed View Post
I was Iistening to the song Title And Registration by Death Cab For Cutie last night. Its kind of been the song I've been listening to a lot lately. The part that really stands out to me is the part that goes

But there's no blame for how our love did slowly fade
And now that it's gone, it's like it wasn't there at all
And here I rest where disappointment and regret collide
Lying awake at night

I don't know. It kinda reminds me of my transference T and how I couldn't be who I really was with her and it was just like this huge dissapointment at the end, but with my current therapist I can be who I really am and I don't have to hide stuff.

I don't know if I'm making sense at all. My transference T just said she couldn't help me because of my particular issues and I just felt like dissapointed and then regret that I got so involved with her to begin with.

Just wanted to comment that I'm a Death Cab fan, too (and seeing them live again soon). That's an especially good song of theirs.
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Default Sep 20, 2022 at 05:18 PM
  #58
Quote:
Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight View Post
Just wanted to comment that I'm a Death Cab fan, too (and seeing them live again soon). That's an especially good song of theirs.
I had a shirt of theirs at one point but I've never seen them at a concert. Their song Brothers On A Hotel Bed, describes the end of 2020 so perfectly for me its almost creepy. The start of the song that goes "you may tire of me, as our December sun is setting, cause I'm not who I used to be." Is a perfect description of how I felt like my therapist was responding to me that December.

Then the part that goes: something he was not looking for Both a beginning and an end
But now he lives inside someone he does not recognize when he catches his reflection on accident

Reminds me of when my move was really starting to get going and I was still dealing with bad post op depression from my surgery and I felt like my personailty had changed and I felt like I didn't recgonize myself.

Then the last part that reminds me of that time in my life is
"Now we say good night, from our own seperate sides"

That just reminds me of those really bad telesessions.

But yeah that song really just seems to sum up December 2020 for me.

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Default Sep 20, 2022 at 09:12 PM
  #59
Dear T:

I know you are not upset at me, and I am relieved, but I am SO nervous for tomorrow's session. I don't want to hear more about how you need family time, even though I understand it. I really, really hope we don't have to go back to phone sessions. I may quit if that happens.
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Default Sep 21, 2022 at 05:09 AM
  #60
I feel as if I had taken twice the prescribed amount of escitalopram this morning. I don't think so, but I guess it's possible. Everything is in slow motion.
Thanks for yesterday. I wish I could afford to keep crying. I wrote in my diary that I think you are a social butterfly with a heart the size of a bear's.

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