Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLV

I must say it feels like months since I last saw you, and yet it has only been 12 days. 12 days of not having to think about any of this stuff. 12 days of not having to fight my internal defences. Still does make me wonder if we should really be doing this. I have no idea what we spent the last couple of sessions working on. No idea at all, except you mentioned something about a scarf. I wonder if you'll remember the scarf. I hope I'll have time in the morning to read my therapy journal before I come, but then, maybe I'm better off not remembering? Maybe it's too hard to deal with, maybe that's why I don't remember. Time is such a strange thing, isn't it, how 12 days can feel like a lifetime sometimes, and yet other times can feel like it passes in the blink of an eye.

I am scared/fearful/nervous/apprehensive/unsure about coming tomorrow. It feels like I'm going to have to spend a few sessions just getting back into the swing of coming this time, and I'm not sure how you'll react to that. I'm not sure how I'll react to that.

I'm feeling sad this evening. It's so weird because yesterday I was feeling pretty good, and okay most of the day today too, but this evening I am sad it feels like for no reason I can pinpoint. Unless it's just residual from the writing I did the other day. It had felt good to get it out of myself and on paper - but you know what, now it feels like it's alive outside of me and that's no good either. I guess I'm going to have to show you what I wrote. I don't want to.

So much going on in my head.
I keep asking myself what I need, but I don't know.
I need 'this' to not be happening.

Dear T,
Thanks for acknowledging the SNL video and saying that it holds up. I'm just going to assume you weren't annoyed about it then. Or that you were too busy laughing to be annoyed!
Love,
LT

I got those 2 workbooks from Amazon we talked about. It cost me $51 total so I hope they help. They will arrive by our next session so I'll bring them in. I want to show you I am trying. Food wise today, things arent going great. But when do they ever anymore.

Hahahahahahahahaha!

Thanks, T, for being understanding. Kit

Dear T, I think about you all the time

You have no idea how much I want to scream right now.
That's probably a good thing, because I can't take this out on you.

E: nope. i do not want to deal with this anymore. i need it to be friday, right now.

SI -- please don't reply, I am safe - I just need to say this to the ether

Sometimes you are f***ing useless. Just putting that out there.

No, seriously, like what the hell was that all about. There's challenging and then there's pushing someone so far they end up jumping off the cliff. F***you. Especially given the fact that we had literally just need exploring the fact that I need that emotional closeness. I know you were just trying to understand, but you are trying to understand something that isn't even there yet. F*** you. F*** you. F*** you. I'm in so much pain right now and you put me here. Why couldn't you have just been kind and gentle. Why did you have to keep asking questions that I have literally no hope of answering. And then when I had totally checked out, at the end, with my eyes closed and just willing myself out of there, you keep going. I haven't felt like wanting to hurt myself for years but you drove me to that, today, with your incessant babbling and your f***ing stupid questions. You said you were glad I didn't, I'm sure only because it would have made a mess. And then it's time to leave. No talk of how to look after myself. No compassion. No holding. You didn't even ask me how I was doing. Sometimes you are as gentle and considerate as a f***ing hippo.

I'm sure you thought you were helping, telling me I was doing better than you and others could advise me to do. Basically telling me I was smarter than you were.
You weren't.
I had to muddle my way through. It's been hell. A hell that continues to this day. So far, the best advice I ever had was the one Claire gave me. "Fake it till you make it", she said. Only I'm not so sure I'm making it. The smiles are few, the joy and optimism barely existant. I muddle through. I don't live. I exist. The concepts are entirely different. And I help carry others on my shoulders. I'm killing myself doing that, but that's who I am. The wall. The hero. The one who stands tall.
The few moments of joy I have are from someone far away. From someone, for all I know, I don't really have a future with, who has her own stuff to deal with, whom at the same time I don't want to impose on.
Everything is far, far different from what I imagined when I was a boy.
I'm not happy. Not really. I look it, act it, talk it...but I'm not. It's something I put on so the people that love me don't figure out there's something terribly wrong.
But...it's easy to sit behind that desk, right? Couple sessions, boom, next customer.
Thanks for nothing. I'll handle it. I don't really have a choice.

Sent from my moto g pure using Tapatalk

Thank you for being flexible today.

I didn't want to do the session virtually, but what a conversation we ended up having!

Not looking forward much to tomorrow's session... not your fault, it's just, I know I have to talk about the stuff I've been writing for the past couple weeks. I had an aha moment today about complexes, too. It makes sense now... that the goal isn't necessarily to not have them, as much as it is to get to know them, so I can recognize them/see them coming before they have me. And, and, I can see there's likely a complex behind my eating when I shouldn't... I haven't figured out what its name is yet, but just knowing it's there, is the first step I suppose... now I can work on getting to know that one too. I have a hunch it's related to the "I'm not enough" thing. Ah yes, the infamous inferiority complex. Why is that still an issue for me?! For Pete's sake.

Oops. Now I'm looking forward to tomorrow. I see how this works...

T: I am glad I reached out yesterday, to find out you had a cancellation this morning. It was nice to laugh a little together, because the past few months have been grim. See you tomorrow!

Thank you for saying you love all 3 of us. Thank you for TWO hugs! I wanted to ask you to just hold us for 5 minutes, but I would never ask that.

SO ready.

Will we ever actually get to the place where I feel life is better because of our work? Right now it feels like it's falling apart more each time I come. I don't know how that is supposed to be helpful. I all but lost it at work last night, I just couldn't control the mess that was inside me. How am I supposed to function when I feel like this.