Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLV

I need you to take my pain seriously. I need you to understand. I'm not sorry for the email. It's the truth. But I am sorry if I hurt you. I love you so much, but is that enough?

I guess I have enough interesting stuff going on so I can throw an email together to send to you on Monday. Theres still not much going on relating to you or therapy. I think we discuss things enough in sessions so that emails aren't always necessary. At least last session we did. You really like emails for some reason though.

Dear T,
I sort of failed this morning, but I also think I recovered OK. And you said that's what's important, right?
Love,
LT

I am pretty depressed right now, and for once its not about my transference T. I have no idea what I am depressed about, but if its not about her then that is definte progress since she has been pretty much my only cause of depression in 1.5 years.

eh, maybe we were both wrong but in different ways.

Dear T,
Your support with this really means a lot. That thing you said about how the only way to failure is by giving up, it really resonates.

Plus I want to avoid your secret lava pit!
Love,
LT

I found a blood spot today and I thought "what in the name of-gynecolgists name- is going on?" Then I realized it was just from something I don't think is a big deal that is on my stomach that hits right at my waist level. Seeing the blood was freaky though and I had a lot of thoughts running through my head. Luckily I figured out what it was from pretty fast so I didn't panic too much. Although I'm still not too happy that its there.

Dear T: I love you but sometimes I don't know what to do with you. Kit

I seem to talk to you out loud whenever I'm driving somewhere by myself; today on my way to and from my mammogram appt was no exception. Today it was all the things I wish I could explain to you in person.

tfw i'm so useless at communicating even my therapist doesn't understand me

feels like pretty much the entirety of my therapy has been us having two very different conversations. i’m sorry for constantly having to clarify what i'm trying to say because it's not clear the first time. or the tenth time. i'm sorry for not understanding what you say. for asking you to explain things over and over again. it’s not because i don’t listen. it’s because i’m worried that i’ve misunderstood you, or that i’ve got it wrong, or that i’ll respond in a way that doesn't really fit the space in the conversation.

i imagine it's pretty frustrating for you. but please try to understand that it's even more frustrating for me. you only have to deal with it in the context of our therapy. for me, it's all the time everywhere in everything. it's like i'm always slightly out of time with the rhythm and speed of life.

You sounded so pleased with yourself today when you correctly 'guessed' why I had gone suddenly silent and withdrawn. Bless you! 'I'm finally starting to understand you' were the words I think you used. Have you been struggling to then? I wouldn't be surprised, I really don't give you a lot to go off sometimes!!!

Now based on how it looks today I feel like I was just brushing it off yesterday as nothing when it may be something. Funny how that works. Hopefully you won't be freaked out with me coming in with a possible, non contagious infection.

Oh, and PS, no idea whether it's related really but I feel much more able to leave this stuff there today, and wonder whether it's because I know I'm coming back for it on Thursday too? I can only just about afford to have these extra sessions so I'm really hoping they help.

So this is the second of three weeks we won't see each other. You know it's Yom Kippur today and I am fasting? I liked how you handled your mishap last time. You knew I wasn't coming in next session, and you had forgotten to tell me that you weren't in the one after that (and of course I'm not here the one after that....). You called out for me and sped down the stairway. A few steps away you stopped, took a breath, and calmly asked if you had informed me previously that you wouldn't be in the week after next. You were clearly kicking yourself, and more so when I told you (or reminded? not sure if I had told you before) that I wouldn't be in the week after that.
You kicked yourself, and yet you registered the mistake, and forgave yourself. Very healthy. I should try that perhaps. It was sweet when you tried to reschedule that third week, but of course I'm not available. You seemed disappointed when I couldn't, espacially after the session we had had. I think your reaction there, so human on so many levels, is why I miss you more these days.
And again I find myself lucky that I ignored the red flags in the beginning. You were shocked by my most maladaptive symptom, but since you've decided to give it a shot, you've been brilliant. I can't imagine a better T for me. Let's forget that one session at the start where you were less the T and more the man.
Chag Sameach, T
(p.s. to all, I'm not jewish, just weird )

That email felt really phoned in and you didn't sound very happy for some reason. You didn't use any !!!! Or talk excitedtly in all caps. I mean, you are the one asking for these email updates.

Also sorry about the weight loss. Its been a tough week emotionally and physically when it comes to food and eating. Plus I just don't feel good in general sometimes.

Well that was shaping up to be a really interesting end to a rather odd dream and then, of course, I wake up just as he puts his arm around my shoulder and leads me through the doorway... Maybe that's a metaphor in some way, I just haven't yet figured it out.

One more sleep.
I thought I was used to grief, but grieving Steve is a different thing entirely.

I'm wondering today if you had written me the letter I asked you for (if you only knew how hard it was to ask for it, you might still have said no, but I bet you'd at least have asked for time to think about it instead of just outright refusing) that having it, and being able to re-read it during times of stress like right now, I might not be wanting to talk to you so much. It really would have been helpful to have, I think. I know you suggested to write it myself, which I did, but re-reading that isn't helpful because it's not actually from you.

Stupid feelings.

p.s. yeah i know i got that one email from you that I was pretending to myself at the time sorta was a stand-in for the letter I wanted, but since it actually wasn't, I still wish you had said yes.

i really need to cut out this pretending crap.