Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLV

Ha I guess my dream-maker must have taken note of what I was thinking yesterday when I wrote the above. This morning I was awake shortly before alarm buzzed, turned it off, then promptly fell back asleep for 2 more hours and dreamed what felt like a long, rambling, storyline... it was great... one of the dreams I've been yearning for!! I filled one whole side of an 8x10 notepad page writing it out. I'm going to type it up on my computer now because more details often come back to me when I type them up later in the same day. Oh how I have missed my long, wild, lots-going-on dreams!!

Dear T,

Trigger warning if someone is an emetophobe or doesn't like reading about gross bodily functions:


But I think that discussion helped you understand how deep-seated some of these thoughts and fears are. That they're just a part of me. My fear of disgusting/horrifying people.

Though it is amusing trying to think of what I could do to shock you/gross you out that would be something you hadn't seen before. (I won't actually do that though!) You're right that human bodies are pretty gross in general though....

Love,
LT

I guess its starting to sink in that you are leaving and I have to make a decision if I want to switch now or not. I really regretted switching with my transference T before I moved. But that was a whole other situation. Part of me thinks that this therapist does meet all my needs and she has room now. But will she have an opening in a month?

LT - i once had MOMtezuma's revenge (after eating at mom's) - my t LEFT THE BUILDING!!! So i was able to repair myself (and the bathroom!) in blessed solitude.

Lol to "MOMtezuma's revenge" (though sounds rough!) Nice that your T left the building (I mean, assuming that's what you'd have wanted!)

Dear T and E: Not sure how I can keep doing this. I have spiraled down so fast this week, and mainly today. E: You are amazing that you will do a short walk with me tomorrow morning. And that you stayed with me tonight until I was able to calm down some. Thank you will never be enough.

Dear K,

I miss you so very much.
It's all so hard to explain.
I'm not sure this is finished yet, but it's what I've got for now...

Losing your therapist.

It's been a year now, but the blink of an eye,
Since that fateful day where you said goodbye.

Why can't I see you, and take hold of your hand,
This is a loss I just can't understand.

I don't have a gravestone, or pictures of you,
And the memories I have, they just seem too few.

So much I miss, but no-one to share,
All of my longings just end in despair.

You taught me to walk, you taught me to be,
You were the good enough mother to me,

Something so special, something so right,
Something I held in my heart oh so tight.

Then all of a sudden, one day you were gone,
But you didn't pass, your life carried on

Beautiful poem Waterbear, thanks for sharing

I really want to email you, I want to hear from you, to know you’re with me still. But I feel like I need to leave it until I have more to say than just “are you still with me?”… Surely you get tired of hearing from me

I hate being back here. It's like I feared. The week was but a short relief. I want to go back to where I feel like I'm home.

Dear T. I'm sad today. I do not know why. And I am anxious. Waiting for Pdoc office to get me the paperwork for my workplace accommodation. The Practice Manager emailed me today and said she would work on it ASAP. But so far nothing. How long does it take to write a letter? Sigh. Kit

i'm sitting here thinking about so many things when i should be working. i can't focus today. I am coming to the conclusion that I no longer want your voice in my head. so why do i still love you?! maybe i'm finally just losing it. remember that analogy about my house and the cliff?!

I called my pdoc and asked if he'd raise my Prestiq. He said no. He said the the therapy situation and me getting Covid and going back to work are all situational issues that meds won't fix. Is he right in this? The Prestiq does really help me and I thought an increase would help. I do get that my anxiety isn't always mental health all the time and it can be situational or medical. A couple hours after I got off the phone with his nurse I got a massive stomach ache that did not feel like anxiety but just Covid leftovers. I get the situational vs actual mental health anxiety though.

I googled it. Doses over 50 mg dont have increased effectiveness, but they do have increased side effects.

Then he could have just said that instead of coming off as rude and like I was drug seeking.

Dear T
Our last few sessions have been very disjointed, then you were away for 10 days. I've not heard to the contrary, so assuming our session is on for tomorrow.

I hope you had a straightforward, relaxing holiday and no dramas that will take up a quarter of my hour to tell me, I've enough dramas of my own I need to talk about.

Am hoping you are chilled out and present with me tomorrow because I really need you to be on the ball again now. The past few sessions haven't been great and I'm starting to question what it is I'm actually paying for. It's getting hard enough to continue to justify the expense of regular therapy, but I don't mind so long as I feel like I'm getting value for money. That sounds really mercenary, but I can't afford to pay for therapy every week if I'm not getting what I need from it.

I've emailed you a heads up tonight of what you can expect the conversation to be about tomorrow. I am imagining you're already dreading it. Maybe you will suggest we take a break rather than carry on just on a kind of maintenance basis. I've already said I don't feel able to go there at the moment, so will you do the moral thing and say come back when you're able to do the work, or will you consider the loss of income and encourage me to keep coming?

We'll see.

Sent from my SM-A526B using Tapatalk

E: I need to keep telling myself that there are MANY reasons why you haven't emailed me back. Yep. I hate the waiting game.

Not. Okay.

All I want now is stability. Consequtive sessions without either of us being off. I know I can't demand that, but I do want to ask that you tell me 2 weeks in advance when you'll be off. I'll ask you for that in our upcoming session... Take care, Yours, Kate.

Dear K,

I love you so much, and whilst I know it will never be a fraction of the feelings I have for you, I do think you have similar feelings for me too, love or otherwise. Thank you for being the person that you were to me, and for not simply vanishing when you had to walk away from our work. Thank you for seeing how important continuing this contact was/is for me.

I showed J out most recent messages this morning and she said "you two really do have a friendship don't you". But I disagree. It isn't a friendship. It's just a connection, that I really don't think should be broken until nature has its way. It shouldn't be broken for rules that someone once wrote. It shouldn't be broken because of a 'should' or a 'shouldn't'.

I personally think it a MASSIVE testament to the work that we did that I can actually believe that you hold me in your heart, somewhere. That, in fact, was the work really, wasn't it. Learning to be vulnerable. Learning to love. Learning to be accepted. Learning that I am good enough.

One of my very early journal pages was a picture of a mother and baby elephant, with the quote, "a mother's role is to teach you that everything that you need from her, lives within yourself." Or something like that anyway!!

It's true, and you did an amazing job of teaching me that. I don't need you in that way anymore. I have got this. I am living and learning and growing and stumbling and falling and getting up and living my best life, without you by my side. I'm so grateful for you.

But you will never leave my heart, or my head it seems. Like I've said before, who knows what the future will hold. Maybe one day we will come back together again just like a parent and the adult child. In a more mutual relationship. I'd like that, I think.

Anyway, that's enough from me. Keep safe and stay happy.

Me xx