Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLV

Why didn't I tell you about my urinary retention situation that no one knows about? Or the over excercising I did on Monday that caused me to be in a crap ton of pain yesterday? Or the Advil hematrcrit issue? Those were 3 very important things I was going to mention. I just felt lost the whole time without my hat and I just froze the entire session. I did message my doctor about my allergy results when I got home and I appreciate you telling me to email you if I there was anything else I wanted to talk about.

C, well I freakin' lost it this morning. So much for managing my stress lately. It all went out the window this morning for a bit. I tried to make a payment to a handyman we're having do some work for us and there was something wrong with the bank website i couldn't make the zelle payment work so i called him, told him & asked if he'd take a check, he said no, so I asked if h could bring him cash and he yelled at me about it! I lost it and started bawling and as I tried to say I'm so sorry, we're trying to fix this by h bringing you cash. And he just kept on yelling at me as if I didn't just explain that h was bringing him cash because the bank website is not working right now. H said if we didn't need him to finish what he started, he would fire him on the spot for treating me like that. I'd been doing pretty well with managing the stress we're under lately but this - I lost it. Why do people have to be so mean?? The bank website not working correctly is not in my control, I didn't break it, I can't fix it, and I certainly thought offering to bring him a full cash payment would be the best way to deal with it because he didn't want a check, but no, he just kept yelling at me until h took the phone away. So much also for thinking I'm over being triggered by being yelled at. I felt horrible. After we hung up the phone from him (doing all of this while trying to work, of course) I was able to calm myself down pretty quickly, called the bank and they said there's a hold on our account but he couldn't tell me why ??? h went over there and straightened it all out but... yeesh. I think the triggering was because this handyman guy reminds me so much of my dad so it was like when he yelled at me I was little Artie again in my head, being yelled at and cowering from it and waiting for the physical punishment that always came with it. That sucked this morning, C. It felt so awful that I want to call in sick for the rest of the day and go hide under my covers in bed.

But I'm not going to. I'm not going to let this ****ing crap and that ****ing ***hole win!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dear K,

Just feeling all the love for you tonight and so wishing I could let it flow freely to you. I'm still not sure what I'm supposed to do with it all if I'm honest.

Me xx

I know you couldn't help going off sick with covid, it's just totally shite timing.


The voluntary work situation has deteriorated further - and I didn't think that was even possible! Tomorrow morning I am sending a complaint to the Directors, it is a somewhat nuclear option from which there is no coming back, but I feel I've been left with no other choice. My go-to safe place is no longer there, but instead has become an overwhelming source of stress and frustration. Things on the home front are also shite, and there's no escaping that.


I'm also concerned that something will happen with your H having Covid as well, that will prevent you from returning to work.


Every time I reach a point where I think things can't possibly get any worse, I find they absolutely can. It scares me how I feel, as though I could tip over the edge at any time. I haven’t felt this bad for a long while.


Sent from my SM-A526B using Tapatalk

I liked how your face lit up and you said "I would love to see pictures of that!" When I said I was a police officer for Halloween when I was 5. I wish I had pictures.

I got a weird spam message I denied. I googled the number and my transfernce T's first name came up. No joke. I was just confused so I hit results and its just for something unrealted to her. I got a good scare over it though. Its like she never will totally leave me.

I had a major post-session griefquake watching This Is Us.
It's hard enough to translate the stuff in my head at the moment...Heaven knows the depth of grief that's beyond the boundary of words.

Dear T,
OK, I'm doing less well with things tonight, but that's because of the response that I got from the manager of the contract. I now probably seem totally neurotic because I sent them an email saying one thing, then sent another saying something else. But I'd rather have to spend the money for a second computer (and PCs are much cheaper!) than lose out on the work entirely. I mean, I also did send some quick applications to two places, though I'm not technically qualified for the one, and the other, the pay sounds too good to be true.

But, yeah, I'm freaking out a little now. H made me feel a bit better. Like I asked if I could have a grace period to find other work if needed, in terms of spending, and he's fine with that.

On the plus side, the concert last night was amazing. I wish I could make you understand what it felt like, during one of the songs (well, really, a few of them). Maybe you have something that makes you feel that way, too. But it's also why I don't want to have to potentially give up concerts (well, beyond all the ones I already have tickets for) if work becomes an issue. They make me feel alive in a way that maybe nothing else does. Maybe that's what your sport does for you?

Love,
LT

Struggling after yesterday's session. This is real, and it really hurts.

Dear T: I am glad that our relationship is ok, and you don’t find me repulsive. I still feel distant, though. I don’t know if it’s me pulling away, or what. Maybe talking to E about this tonight will help.

I told my therapist about this site the last time we met. I didn't tell her the name of the site but I said I can be pretty vocal at times. She said "I can't imagine you like that!" I said to her I can not express myself verbally the way I can communicate online or in email.

Dear T. Missing you today. Not sure specifically why today. Maybe because we didn't plan a session this weekend. But I'm okay. Not in crises.

trigger for SH Thoughts


Not sure if the visions are hallucinations or not. They don't seem to have the same qualities but what do I know. Probably something to talk about one of these days. I'm still sad for Lil Bit and Emma. Sending you hugs. Loving you.

E: Our session was all over the place. More like, I was all over the place, emotionally. I don’t even know what I am feeling right now. I will try and take it easy this weekend.

I stumbled upon a few poems that I wrote during the worst of my depression back in 2009. Wowsa. I don't remember if I ever showed them to you.

oh yeah last night during the drum circle I had an interesting visual-only journey. I saw an arched doorway into an underground cave and there were boards across it. One of those powerful ones so that I had to sketch it in my notebook. It came with the feeling that my job right now is to remove the boards blocking the entrance to the cave and that once I have done so, I will find the answer I seem to still be seeking.

I've heard, and believed, that grief gets easier with time.
I accept that there's no 'understanding' with this, because...as you so rightly say, 'it would be dangerous if we understood.'

That doesn't make the confusion and pain of trying to navigate life without Steve any easier.

Hey C, I'm looking forward to talking with you again. I guess I wasn't quite ready to go it alone - I'd like another 8 weeks of reinforcement please Besides, I enjoy talking with you.

If it was ever an option even though I know it isn't, would I go back to my transference T if I had a choice? I honestly don't know the answer to that. I feel like I'd just be going back for all the wrong reasons. I truly feel supported by my current therapist and she is helping me in ways my transference T wasn't able to.

Rather than 'planning' next week's session, I think I'm at a stage where I'm just going to open my mouth and see what happens.

I'm a little bewildered by the Victims Commissioner resigning. Would it not make more sense to lobby for the bill to be considered sooner, rather than just throwing her hands up and saying 'I quit'?

Or is that just me....