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LonesomeTonight
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Default Dec 01, 2022 at 03:47 PM
  #361
Dear T,
Maybe I can't do this with you anymore. I don't know.
Love,
LT
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Default Dec 01, 2022 at 05:39 PM
  #362
Possible trigger:

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Default Dec 01, 2022 at 06:04 PM
  #363
You're nice. But I'm not letting my guard down right now.

But I don't want to play with clay. And I'm not sure why you asked an almost 30 year old unless you didn't know my age? But I can't help how I look and I was wearing the best jacket I had today. So I thought I looked pretty mature. I just worry about what my coworkers will think when they find out my age. So your question made me kinda self conscious.

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Last edited by Mountaindewed; Dec 01, 2022 at 06:25 PM..
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Default Dec 01, 2022 at 06:38 PM
  #364
And now a book that I thought would help has given me further details.

You were so careful with your words, and your sensitivity is always a blessing.

Damn it, damn it, damn it.

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A man can see his way clear to the light
Just hold on tight, that's all you gotta do...'

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'You have all the grace you need for today, and today is all that matters.' - Steve Austin
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Default Dec 01, 2022 at 06:43 PM
  #365
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mountaindewed View Post
You're nice. But I'm not letting my guard down right now.

But I don't want to play with clay. And I'm not sure why you asked an almost 30 year old unless you didn't know my age? But I can't help how I look and I was wearing the best jacket I had today. So I thought I looked pretty mature. I just worry about what my coworkers will think when they find out my age. So your question made me kinda self conscious.
A lot of therapists do art and play therapy even with adults. It doesn't usually have anything to do with age or maturity.

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Default Dec 02, 2022 at 06:06 AM
  #366
Dear T,
I wish I could just cancel today, but I'm sure you'd charge me (don't want to lie and say I'm sick), and that would damage the relationship further. I know it's your policy, but I also came in for an extra session, so you wouldn't be losing any income from me this week. Plus, you said once that I'm so reliable, I probably earned a free "no-show" (which is different from a late cancellation). I'm sure you've forgotten about that, just like you forgot the other times I said I loved you, and you were fine with it, and I didn't start asking for more things after, like you're so afraid of now for some reason.

(I'll avoid the scary word),

LT
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Default Dec 02, 2022 at 10:50 AM
  #367
No one but you has the ability to make me so ragefully angry. I haven't got enough body space for this anger. This ending is not about you or what you want or what makes you sad or disappointed or what you are finding difficult. This isn't a good ending and I will not collude with you to pretend that it is. You are out of your mind. I do genuinely wonder if you have experienced some cognitive decline as a result of illness or old age. Even by your previous standards, your recent communication was ludicrous.
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Default Dec 02, 2022 at 02:31 PM
  #368
Four more sleeps.

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A man can see his way clear to the light
Just hold on tight, that's all you gotta do...'

Steve Earle - Fort Worth Blues

'You have all the grace you need for today, and today is all that matters.' - Steve Austin
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Default Dec 02, 2022 at 02:34 PM
  #369
Dear T,
OK, I'm glad I went. The discussion we had at the beginning helped, and then I think it also helped to talk about something else for a while (plus I needed to address some stuff with D). It helped for you to explain more. And to tell me that you're trying hard to not make the same mistakes ex-MC made, because you know it would hurt me. Knowing it's at least somewhat deliberate, how you're trying to figure out what to do to best serve me and determine whether we need to talk about it more feels much better than thinking it's just your freaking out and not knowing how to handle what I said.

Also, I appreciate the glass fish reference.


Love,
LT
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Default Dec 02, 2022 at 02:46 PM
  #370
When I was talking to you to my mom I said "whats her name." Because I've gone through so many therapists your name just slipped my mind.

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Default Dec 02, 2022 at 02:55 PM
  #371
It feels awkward to bring something like this in two sessions before the end of the year, but it's too big to sweep under the rug. I know what I know, and I can't pretend that I don't.

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'Somewhere up above the great divide
Where the sky is wide, and the clouds are few
A man can see his way clear to the light
Just hold on tight, that's all you gotta do...'

Steve Earle - Fort Worth Blues

'You have all the grace you need for today, and today is all that matters.' - Steve Austin
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Default Dec 03, 2022 at 10:39 AM
  #372
The last 48 hours have been rough, and yet somehow, there is still poetry.

Possible trigger:

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'Somewhere up above the great divide
Where the sky is wide, and the clouds are few
A man can see his way clear to the light
Just hold on tight, that's all you gotta do...'

Steve Earle - Fort Worth Blues

'You have all the grace you need for today, and today is all that matters.' - Steve Austin
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Default Dec 03, 2022 at 05:01 PM
  #373
I kind of am missing my last therapist today. She claims she'll be back though. I swear I have like 3 distinct memories of my transference T and the main one I have is the December 2020 IOP one. But I'll be seeing this new one on Monday then the week before Christmas and then a few days after. All in person. So I won't be left hanging. Although I wasn't left hanging last year either. Some things just stick with you.

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Default Dec 03, 2022 at 06:33 PM
  #374
Dear K,

I'm finding this very interesting indeed. It's basically been a month since you messaged me, and that was a one off, I think, because of the day. I am really grateful that you remembered, and that you reached out.

And I was doing really well afterwards, I was busy, enjoying life, getting on with other things, you almost faded into the background, which was amazing, actually. I just had this sense of knowing, which is hard to explain. I felt some sort of security, I think.

I have been wanting to write for a while though, and finally got round to doing it the other day, and since I sent it, things have been slightly different. I want to say slightly more unsettled, which is a real shame. It wonder if it will ever settle down? Or whether I am better off just leaving that distance between us.

I am starting to wonder whether trying to maintain some sort of weird relationship with you is actually in my best interests anymore. I wonder whether I should stop trying to maintain it and simply let it go. I wonder whether I could keep hold of that sense of security if I didn't satiate my desire to reach out to you.

Anyway, yeah, I'm all good, just finding this really interesting (and hoping you get my letter and reply, obviously!!)

Lots of love, me x
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Default Dec 04, 2022 at 11:24 AM
  #375
All I need to do is get through to Tuesday...all I need to do is get through to Tuesday...

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A man can see his way clear to the light
Just hold on tight, that's all you gotta do...'

Steve Earle - Fort Worth Blues

'You have all the grace you need for today, and today is all that matters.' - Steve Austin
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Default Dec 04, 2022 at 12:26 PM
  #376
yo feel free to ignore that email. i just thought you might be interested, so no need to respond.

Also, I'm getting closer to a decision on whether or not I want to ask you for a one time, one-year post-ending follow-up. Maybe I also sent that email yesterday just to break the ice again or something heh because I'm pretty sure I'm going to ask. I wonder what you'll say if I do. There's just a couple of things that I feel like I want to say to you in person now that I no longer care what you think of me and stuff.

Last edited by ArtieTheSequal; Dec 04, 2022 at 12:38 PM..
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Default Dec 04, 2022 at 03:27 PM
  #377
I have so much I want to say. More than I can. I didn't mean to insult your taste last time, btw. I mean I own a teddy bear for crying out loud, and I talk to him, too. I was just saying that it makes sense you'd buy the shoes, as you also bought the blanket, it really wasn't a snide remark. I should have apologized and explained right then, I noticed you flinch. Not sure why I didn't connect the dots right away.

You know I think it's funny that you still haven't officially committed to working with me, but you do put a lot of effort and work into this relationship, maybe even as much as I do. So for all intents and purposes you have committed, but you don't want to say it. I understand your resistance, and it's fine. I'm not pushing, not even asking, this is something you have to come to terms with (or not) in your own time. It's not my place to point this out or interfere in any way with your process. It's just something I notice, an inconsistency you struggle with.
It's been over one year now, and I could not hope for a better therapist. I know I would never find anyone specialized in working with me outside of forensics, so your willingness to learn inspite of all your doubts is something I am forever grateful for. It's been over a year now. A part of me would like to give you present for christmas, something small, something to make you smile, but I'm not sure either one of us is quite there yet, let alone both of us. I might write a card, or a letter... a card, I guess. I would need to think how to write it. It seems a card would not be enough to encompass all I want to say, but perhaps a card is the perfect amount. I'm sure you have better things to do over christmas than read the ramblings of a patient.

Thank you, anyway, for agreeing to help me.

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Default Dec 04, 2022 at 05:43 PM
  #378
I don't really want to see you tommorow. Nothing has happened since Thursday afternoon. I've just been zoned out in front of the TV trying to get used to a med increase. But I've handled things fine on my own. I just feel like it will be a useless session.

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Default Dec 05, 2022 at 06:09 AM
  #379
Dear T, I am scared of the break that we will inevitably be having over the Christmas break. I really hope that you are able to recognise how hard this is for me, especially after we have had a big rupture that is still unresolved.
I am worried that you just won’t know or be willing to see how much these breaks impact me
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Default Dec 05, 2022 at 06:11 AM
  #380
Quote:
Originally Posted by LostOnTheTrail View Post
All I need to do is get through to Tuesday...all I need to do is get through to Tuesday...

This is too relatable. I really hate this feeling. But it’s something to hold onto..
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